THE ARCHIVES (Previous Chapters: Start here)An open letter to the Federal Reserve Board of Directors: There was an old man and a boy who were traveling to town with a donkey. The boy rode on the donkey, and the old man walked. They passed some people on the road, and they thought it was a shame that the boy was riding the donkey and the old man had to walk. The man and boy decided the critics were right, and they traded places. Later they passed some more folk who thought it a real shame that the old man made the little boy walk. The two then decided that they would both walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought it was stupid for them to be walking when they had a donkey to ride. The old man and the boy followed the critics advice and they both climbed on the donkey and rode. A little ways further they passed some animal lovers who thought it was a crying shame to put such a load on the old donkey. The old man and boy decided then that they would just carry the donkey. It was a struggle, but it satisfied the people. As they crossed a bridge, they became exhausted, and lost their grip on the donkey. It fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story is: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass. Signed, Concerned in the USA
"The Road to Retirement City" A 1998-99 Stock Market Analogy, by T.Whitman The Road to Retirement City (Chapter 9) Last we left them, MK and TW are gaining speed in the Gold Truck. The telephone poles are starting to look like a picket fence going past. "Holy Cow TW! How fast are we going anyway?" MK asks "I thought I saw 300 on the POG speedometer. I knew this old truck would start moving. It thrives on the inflation winds," TW replies. "I wonder what the rest of the crew are doing?" MK ponders "You think they're all still walking? Man are they missing out." "Yep, they are sure gonna be left behind. They're better off than those poor slobs going the wrong way in their equity cars though." TW states. "Wait a minute! What was that intersection we just passed? I think that might have been the Depressionfield/Recessionville intersection. Which road are we on?" "We were going too fast for me to see, man" MK answers. "Oh well, we'll be safe in here either way, I guess." TW says. The radio is playing Steely Dan's "Black Friday" when an announcer breaks into the song for another announcement. "We have just been handed this Road condition update from Greenspan Wrecker Service. Numerous wrecks due to the inflation winds are being reported. RTN, KO, CPQ, and MO cars were all involved in fiery crashes. Paper-material vehicles should pull over immediately until the winds subside. If you don't heed this warning, we will have to warn you yet again." Abby J. and Joey B. are listening to the broadcast also. They look at one another and smile. "They're not gonna shut this highway down. They're jus bluffin," Joey says. "HA! Gimme another IPO beer." "I d-d-dunno J-Joey. Those ‘D-D-Dow Transports' clouds are lookin k-k-k-kinda ugly." Abby answers. "No way do they shut this highway down! Put the hammer down and keep movin,"Joey yells. They press on into the ‘inflation winds'. The P/E-30 sportster (by S&P Motors) begins to stall out. "What the d'hell is the problem!" Joey screams. "What's that light on the dashboard say?" An idiot light on the dash is glowing red. It reads- "DON'T FIGHT THE FED- YOU IDIOT". Abby looks over to Joey as the car sputters slowly along. "G-G- Get out the manual and s-s-see what that means." Joey fumbles through the glove box and pulls out the official S&P motors manual. He flips through the index. Amazingly speedy for someone in his drunken condition. "It says here: When the "DON'T FIGHT THE FED" indicator lights, see the dealer service department immediately to have your portfolio engine re-balanced. Do not attempt any long trips on Bull Market Highway in this condition." Joey reads. "This iz TOTAL B.S.!" Joey slurs. "Let's jus pull over fer a few minutes and let it cool down." They pull into an OPEC service station and get out of the vehicle. Joey looks around, and not seeing an attendant, he begins stomping on the alert hose. DING DING DING. A slender man with a dark complexion comes out of the garage. The label on his greasy blue shirt says ‘MO'. "Having some trouble?" He asks the drunken duo. "The D-D-Don't fight the f-f-fed indicator light is flashing. Can you huh-h-help us?" Abby pleads to the mechanic. Mo points to a line of cars and trucks parked along the side of the lot. "See all those cars over there? They've all got the same problem. These ‘inflation' windstorms are a real Bear." Mo answers. "You can leave it here, but it's gonna be a week before I can look at it." "What, that's no good at all. We gotta make it to Retirement City NOW!" Joey yells. "Sorry," Mo replies. "You'd be better off walking from here anyway. Recessionville is coming up ahead, and these paper backed cars aren't much good there anyway. " Abby stumbles back and forth. You can almost hear the drunken gears churning. She opens her mouth to whisper, and pulls Joey over. "Grease his palm Joey," Abby whispers in his ear. Joey pulls a pint of high P/E whiskey out of his jacket and has a slug. He pulls a wad of bills out of his pocket and peels off a 50. He slips it to Mo and says, "Do you think you could work us in a little quicker than next week?" Mo takes the dead president, stares at the floor, and scratches his chin. He replies, "I'm already booked up, but I have an Austrian specialist that I can call in to look at it if you want." Joey and Abbey look at one another. "M-Maybe we can hitch a ride with s-s-somebody, Joey. I'm s-s- sure one of the y-young investors from the ball will be by here before t-t-too long. We m-may not have room for all the luh- liquor, but we can p-probably fit in one of them s-s- semiconductor SUV's." "OK, but we might as well have that other mechanic come in and look at it in the meantime, huh?" Joey spits back. "Is this Austrian mechanic any good? Joey says to Mo. "Aren't the Austrians kinda backward in their technical thinking?" "Austrian technicians are very expensive, and they can be harsh- but they have proven to be correct in the long run. It's your choice. It'll only cost you a hundred for the diagnosis, and you aren't going anywhere like it is now." Mo replies. "O.K." Joey replies. Give him a call. We'll be over there in the car drinking in the mean time." A Gold Truck whizzes past the station. It just so happens that two of our travelers are on board, and they are getting a little antsy at the speed of the vehicle. "You think this old truck can handle this kinda speed for long, TW?" MK asks. "I don't really know MK. But if it starts to reverse, I'm bailing out. We've come too far too fast to give it all up." TW replies. "What about getting a ‘covered call' voucher?" MK says. "That way we can cash in on some of this speed." "That can be risky MK," TW answers. "You get to ride a little further down the road for sure, but you can't bail out until it expires- you have to stay in the truck no matter which direction it's going, and if you get to your limit too fast, they kick you out of the vehicle." "I'm going to try it," MK states. He asks the driver for a ‘covered call' voucher. "O.K. But you're on your own if this thing reverses after this quick trip, I'm bailing." TW nervously glances at the speedometer. It peaks at 329, and starts to slow. When it falls through 315, TW looks over at MK and says "Good luck, I'm outta here." He exits the truck, and it begins to accelerate in the wrong direction. MK waves as the ‘gold' truck rounds the curve. Back at the OPEC station, the Austrian mechanic, Heinz, is under the hood of the P/E-30 sportster. Joey stumbles out of the toilet, and wanders up to the front of the car. "Ya findin any thing, man?" Joey inquires. "This vehicle is ill-prepared for Recessionville, I'm afraid." The mechanic says. He points under the hood. The top of the engine is pulled off. CURRENT A/D "You're engine internals are in terrible condition. In fact, you're A/D line is in the midst of a waterfall breakdown. You're very lucky to have made it this far." "That's a crock," Joey says. "We wuz doin fine till those stupid ‘inflation' winds started blowin." "Actually, this engine has been in decline for a while now. You've only had about 50 out of 500 cells pulling the load for the last 18 miles." "So wh-what." Abby chimes in, we've b-b-been getting along alright so far." "Do whatever you want, but 50 cells can only pull the load for so long. I would remove that engine and put in a commodities based one if I were you." Heinz recommends. "Take a look at this 1973 engine in here." He walks in to the back room of the garage with the drunken duo trailing. He shows them the 1973 engine- "This engine totally broke down when it got to the same condition yours is in." "Yea but that was an OLD engine. Ours is shiny and NEW. Just fix it and we'll be on our way." Joey snaps back. "Can't do it," Heinz answers. "It would be irresponsible of me. Drive it at your own risk." Just then, a pedestrian yells at the drunks as he jogs past. "HOHOHO. Major Tough Love in store for you paper jokers." Will Abby and Joey take back off in their shaky car? Will MK crash in the Gold Truck? Will the other pedestrians ever make it anywhere. Stay tuned to your favorite financial news outlet for clues. To be continued..... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ©1999 M.T. Whitman
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