\ tin-can \ aubrilata \ 707 \ judo \ bonds \

12:36 PM 03/01/06 i tried to take a photo of the stars tonight...but i knew that it was something that i couldn't, and whatever memorabilia i wanted of these stars would have to be stuck as just a tattoo'd memory. i now lay here on this shared bed, on occasion looking up, far behind my head, and see the stars i've been aimlessly trying to get a picture of. it was this same window that i woke up looking at, and this same view i saw that made me get up, oblivious of what the time was. all i knew was that i had to get up, go outside, and find a better view. i found myself on the verandah at the front of the ship, after wandering down isles and isles of closed doors, and people snoring on their crowded bunk beds. one side of the ship didn't give enough stars and the other side gave only just a smidget of the dotted sky. and although that particular deck was off-limits after a certain time, i still made my way there. i got to the door and surprisingly, it was unlocked. so i walked out onto the deck. it was like i had entered a warp, the moment the door closed behind me, i had felt like i had walked into space, a totally different world from the one we were all familiar with. it was like, watching a space movie, or more like closing your eyes and finding yourself drowning in darkness, and within that darkness, billions of stars up above, creating a land of 'connect-the-dots'. it lieterally took my breath away. i could feel my heart try to beat itself out of my chest, and out onto the sea of stars. i could hear the water run against the ship, i looked and i was still engulfed in darkness. it was enveloping me, hugging me tight but gently. i could've stayed there all night and just drowned in them... i could've written this while i was in that moment, but a moment is a moment. something that had to be left untouched and undisturbed. so much that i had gotten myself to leave it and think twice before taking a picture of what was there. i wandered around the ship, with no particular place to go, and no particular thing to see. every place i went to lead me back to that deck. so i did go back, i grabbed the digicam, went back, and tried to take a photo. but whatever shot or setting i meade, i couldn't. darkness came out and that was all. so i stood there, gazing, my legs felt weak... i wanted to stay there longer but i knew i couldn't. so i took in whatever i could into my memory. i'm a lover of stars. as a teenager, i would lie on my blacony no matter how dirty it was and just stare at the couldy sky full of stars. and at one point i asked God to show me a shooting star and he did. but what i saw an hour ago was far beyond comparison to my teenage star-gazing days. stars, composed of different sizes, different spaes, different twinkles. there weren't just a few start lying on different parts of the sky, but like a market of stars creating its own land, like a country of stars. you could play mr. squiggle with those stars and forme any drawing of any object you could think of. that's how many stars there were; or is, rather. shortly after, i made my way to the chapel. yes, somehow it made me religious and so i prayed. i thanked him and prayed for everyone including myself. i made my way back to my cabin, and into bed. here i am, still in full view of the stars. they're keeping me company until i fall asleep...and when i close my eyes and wander off into dreamland, i knew they'll still be there... -3:51am written as text on my phone. 01:33 AM 15/10/2005 sounds: look what you've done - the jets i'm good to go for enrollment. after a whole semester of being and OSY, i'm finally going back to my college. for so long i was avoiding entering our college building. sometimes i felt like an intruder, i had no I.D. to present, i was always wearing slippers, and it always felt as though i was going to have a hard time convincing the guard to let me in. but i had to force myself into the building (where the guards didn't even give a rat's ass about me going in)...and i finally fixed it all up. i expected to be excited about it for the remainder of the day. but when everyone gathered for a group hug, and to see everyone else happy for me...the gladness disappeared. and i don't know why. i even had to fake my smile and my happiness just so it would seem real, but it never sunk in. so i texted the next 5 most important people in my life, they replied with, "good job!" or, "do better this time" or, "i'm happy for you" but the feeling still didn't sink in. maybe something is up and i have no idea about it. is there still something wrong with me that i don't know about? it always seems to be the case that i thought i was letting out enough, that i wasn't bottling anything up inside, and then BAM, it suddenly hits me; there's something wrong with me. why is it that when people see me, i don't look alright. it's either i look troubled, or haggered, or just floating. when at times, my thoughts are placed so intact together, yet on the outside, it shows the exact opposite. the news about enrollment is great news. i want nothing more than to get this course over and done with...for my sake, for my parents' sake, for everyones' sake. but i wish that if excitement were to wash over me, it would be nice if it lasted longer than 30 seconds. i just want to feel that 'happiness' feeling again. where has it all gone? 01:11 AM 30/08/2005 sounds: wild world - beth something i guess i'm not that old yet, i can still look back and remember certain memories that are never vivid but always comes out as a clear picture. the only thing i can't remember were names. it's funny how certain episodes in life i can remember, but some of the pieces of the puzzle still remain missing. just like with me playing the piano. i can only play one full song, and with grace and power, just like what i had done during those recitals, but i can never remember all those other songs, despite the long hours of practicing, everyday, every weekend, every free period was spent inside the music room. if i picked up a violin today, i probably wouldn't even remember how to play that orchestra piece we played in brisbane, even though they made us memorize it off from the back of our hands. just like with the guitar, when i pick it up, all i find myself playing are incubus songs, songs that i learnt in 2002. there was a time in my life when living here when i was kid became a total blank in my life. it wasn't till i revisited some places that memories started filling up in my head again, and i could remember names, dates and what happened. i vividly remember my attitude towards life as well, especially if i compare it to now. for so long i had the mind of an adult, and now it seems like i'm at this stage now of being an adult...it's done a reverse turn and i feel like i'm acting like a kid. or at least my decisions, the way i think, those kind of things. although, as much as i hate my life being on a stand-still at this moment, i wish the whole world would stand-still with me. even for just a moment. so i can soak in everything that's happened in the past, like drinking an energy and finding that jolt in my body to snap me back to reality. everything's moving too fast for me right now. i want to keep remembering the past, i want to keep living in the past. but i know i can't. someone please click on that pause button for me. 1:31 PM 8/28/2005 sounds: ang huling el bimbo - eraserheads i woke up at noon and the whole house was empty. i had stained my shorts and underwear with my monthlies and i was having the worse pain in my stomach ever. so i cleaned myself up, soaked my clothes in warm water, headed over to the lounge, turned on the tv and found that the cable was out. so i ate in silence; corned beef and rice. the maid's day off, my parents, i really don't know where they go every sunday, and every one else having their day off. i sort of just sat outside today, after realizing i was the only one at home, and thought about what to do. i took my dog off his leash (which he's been in all morning and night) and was grabbing my hand so i could pat him. at least i'm only now half alone. i don't know how long i can last in this house. but then i have to, i have to rest, i have to get better. i really gotta discipline myself. 5:06 PM 8/27/2005 sounds: freak - silverchair sometimes i can't tell the difference between feeling lonely, and actually being alone. sometimes in a crowded room, in a sea of strangers, everyone shares a certain heartbeat; but mine always seems to hold its own tune, its own beat. and then sometimes, in a moment of solitude, in an invisibly padded room, i seek for a familiar face to feel comfort of someone being there. hello...? hello?? i cry out to nothing, and hear nothing but the echo of my own voice. but i've gotten used to this kind of solitude, hearing my own voice in the can...but it gets up to a point where you have to ask when will someone pick up the other end? the difference between feeling lonely and being alone? nothing. just as long as it's what you're feeling. 01:15:am 16/08/05 how do you want me to feel? if it's guilt, you got me there. how do you want me to react? like this? the same way you react to things? here you go. what do you want me to do? run back to you? beg for your forgiveness? what? tell me? if you want me to feel guilty, fine. do you want me to tattoo the words, i hurt you onto myself? done. i'm the bad guy, always have been, always will be. cause you remind me of how bad i am. i should go to hell. just tell it to my face. go on, talk about me behind my back. go ahead. i don't blame you, i hurt you. i'm not proud. do you think i'm proud? ugh. whatever. 09:20:PM 15/08/05 sounds: no rain - blind melon i sorta just floated around this world today... woke up early. slept in the fx. floated some more. now i'm sleepy again. i miss judo...i miss the company, i miss everyone. thinking about how things used to be is very nostalgic, but i'm just glad to know i'm ok. looking back two months ago, i was desperate to be ok and now here i am. i have too many people to thank that i don't really know where to start. i hope i wasn't too selfish with trying to be happy...karma hits me so bad sometimes. i still have to go home but i'm really sleepy. to those who know me personally, my new friendster account is aubs.rodriguez@gmail.com.