Confessions at 3am

By Oprelia

Rating: PG

Code: J&P, Owen, P/T implied

Category: VOYAGER

Genre: General

Beta: H. Louise

Part: 1/3

Website: http://www.oocities.org/warpieal/

Spoilers: Caretaker, Prime Factors, Threshold, Thirty Days, Message In A Bottle, Hunters, Pathfinder, Spirit Folk, Lifeline

Archive: JuPiter Station, ASC*, TPDorm and FanFiction.Net. Anywhere else, please ask me first.

Feedback: Please give me feedback at oprelia@hotmail.com. I appreciate all comments.

Summary: Conversations, confessions and reminiscence of the past at 3am between Tom & Kathryn and Owen. Response to JuPiter Station Narrative Challenge #373. Tom talks to Kathryn after the events of Threshold.

Challenge: #373 on JuPiter Station from BLMHJM. Write a story that begins at 3 in the morning. (You have to state that it's 3 in the morning somehow; dialogue, whatever.)

Disclaimer: STAR TREK: VOYAGER and all its characters contained within this story are owned exclusively by Paramount Pictures Corporation. The songs 'Easier To Run', 'Somewhere I Belong' and 'Numb' are the property of Linkin Park and Warner Bros. Records Inc. No copyright infringements are intended.

Author's Note: Songfic. Inspired by the Linkin Park's songs, 'Somewhere I Belong', 'Easier To Run' and 'Numb' on their album 'Meteora'. Lyrics are reproduced without permission but I do not claim profit from the reproduction.

Confessions at 3am is a companion piece to my other story "Redemptions of the Heart". This prequel can be read independently as a standalone story. All canon events do occur, I have just played around with Tom's history and the events that occur between canon.

Tom's relationship with the Admiralty is borrowed with permission from The Undead Begonia's 'Assumptions' story which can be found at JuPiter Station. I highly recommend that story.

Thank you H. Louise for taking the time to beta my story. Your help and suggestions have been very much appreciated.

Confessions at 3am

Chapter One

Easier To Run

*****

It was three in the morning, and the ship was silent. A skeleton crew comprising the Gamma Shift, were the only crewmembers at work. Their jobs were to monitor all the ship's systems while the Alpha and Beta shifts slept. The holodecks were empty, the gym was dark, even the mess hall - a place that was usually a hub of activity was empty.

On Deck Four Section 3-C, the room was dark but not entirely silent. Small sounds of restlessness could be heard from the bedroom as the occupant lay on his bed. He was supposed to be asleep since he was on the Alpha Shift in the morning but no matter how hard he tried, he just could not relax. His mind kept recalling the major events surrounding his troubled life. More importantly, he kept thinking about the haze that surrounded a small but significant portion of his adult life.

He finally gave up trying to sleep and he retrieved his robe and exited his quarters. It seemed like he would not be getting any rest tonight. The fact that he had plenty of rest whilst in Sickbay should be the main cause of his sleeplessness he thought as he made his way towards the forward observation lounge. He did not want to risk the chance of meeting someone in the mess hall. The replicators in the lounge would suffice.

He quietly strode through the empty corridors. They were devoid of activity at this late hour. His soft footfalls making the only sound on the carpet. He was glad that the corridors were empty. He did not want to attract the curious stares that would be inevitable since he was walking barefoot through the ship dressed only in blue pyjamas and a blue robe. His hair was messy from tossing and turning in his attempt at sleeping. He silently entered the lounge and called for a privacy lock before he realised the dark room was already occupied.

He was about to apologise when he identified the other person in the room. He should not have been surprised that the other person occupying the lounge could not sleep because he was directly responsible for her insomnia.

"I'm sorry, Captain. I did not realise there was someone in here. I'll just be leaving now," he said as he made his way to the door.

"No Tom, stay. I gather from your appearance that you can't sleep either?" she asked as she gestured for Tom to sit down. She ordered the lights at a quarter illumination so they could talk.

"That's right, Captain. With all the sleep the Doc ordered, how can I sleep?" he asked as he sat down on the opposite side of the room, next to the windows.

"Tom, you can call me Kathryn. I believe that our relationship has now progressed beyond Captain - subordinate," she said while ignoring Tom's question. She began to smile when Tom blushed at her words. It wasn't often she could embarrass Tom.

"About that, Captain. I want to apologise again for my actions. I didn't mean to kidnap you, nor did I plan to impregnate you either," he said as he gazed out of the large windows.

He had always gazed out to the stars when he needed to think, whether he was on the surface of a planet or in space. He loved the stars and how they shone. He loved flying out among them and that was partly the reason why he loved flying so much, to be one with the stars.

"Tom, you don't have to apologise again. You weren't yourself. Besides, how do you know that I didn't seduce you?" she asked. She stood up and walked towards Tom so she could make him understand. "Tom, it's all right. I don't blame you for what happened," she asserted as she sat next to him.

"Captain..."

"Kathryn," she interrupted softly.

"Kathryn, why can't you sleep?" he asked.

"I'm just thinking about our children, how they are alone on that planet. They will always be my first born," she said wistfully. "But I'm not the sure whether I am ready for motherhood yet," she confessed.

She had always wanted children, and she said that to him in sickbay but she now realised that she could have said it with a little bit more tact. She realised that she must have hurt him by her words while she was sitting in the darkness and solitude of the observation lounge.

"I'm sorry for putting you through all this," he again apologised. That was all he could say since he was still embarrassed by the whole situation.

"Tom, you are doing it again. Stop apologising," she said with mock exasperation.

"I'm sorry... And that is for continuously apologising, not of the incident," he hastily added when he saw that she was going to rebuke him.

"Why can't you sleep?" she asked as she accepted his apology and explanation.

"I was just thinking about all the decisions I have made in my miserable life and whether they have been good or bad ones," was his enigmatic reply.

"Like what?" she prodded gently. He was clearly referring to his past and experience showed that he disliked recalling his failures.

"The decisions governing my life during the whole incident during Caldik Prime and the aftermath is the main issue that is keeping me up right now," was the whispered answer. "But not only that, I have been thinking about my life spent at Sandrine's after I was forced to resign my commission from Starfleet. Most of my memories of that time are hazy since I spent a lot of that time drunk and depressed."

She was not expecting that answer. It was common knowledge around the ship that Tom would not speak about that incident to anyone, not including Harry. She had expected him to refer to his prison sentence and how she had retrieved him for her mission.

"Would you like to talk to me about it?" she asked. She was expecting him to decline so she was totally unprepared for his answer.

"Actually Kathryn, I think I would like that," he replied.

She was surprised that he had was willing to speak to her about the worst period of his life. She had not thought that their relationship had progressed towards the point that he would be confiding to her about the secrets of his troubled past.

Tom was also surprised by his answer. However his nightmares, nights of sleeplessness and his guilt had brought him on the verge of breaking point. His soul was screaming to him that he needed to speak to someone before he totally broke down. His head told his heart that it was time to bring forth the issues that were troubling him so that he could heal the gaping wounds of his heart and soul. Putting on a brave face he stood up to gather his composure. He finally controlled his wayward thoughts and moved towards the replicator.

"Would you like some coffee?" He asked her with an impish smile, knowing what her answer would be.

"Absolutely!" she said. She could never turn down an offer of coffee. He chuckled as he ordered two coffees and placed them on the table. He then sat down and held the warm cup of coffee. He gathered his thoughts and began.

"While I don't think that I am ready to talk about the incident at Caldik Prime just yet, I would like to talk to you about the dark period of my life that occurred after I was banished by my father from the Paris Mansion. I had just resigned my commission at Starfleet and I had arrived home. The mansion was quiet, which occurred to me as strange since there was usually some level of activity. The mansion was empty of all my relatives and the servants, I guess my father told everyone to leave so he could speak to me alone. You can't begin to fathom the level of emotional pain I was feeling after I left Starfleet. I had killed my three best friends and I finally told the truth because I could not live a lie and I was feeling terrible. Being a part of Starfleet was the only thing my father and I agreed upon and that was now lost to me. All I had left was my family but that wasn't enough. The Admiral decided that no son of his would bring dishonour to the Paris name and that I was no longer his son. I was ordered to leave and never set foot in the house again.

"I was devastated, Kathryn. I was forbidden to contact any of my relatives, the people I knew who cared for me. I had lost in the space of a week my friends, my commission and my family. All I had left was Sandrine, a kind lady who liked to talk to me when I spent my campus-leave at her bar. She had said that I could always come back and stay with her if anything ever happened. So I went to Marseilles and her bar to escape the feeling of worthlessness. She said that I wasn't worthless, or a failure and she let me say at her home above the bar. I thought that it was easier to run away from the pain, to start over again but it was hard. I kept thinking about all that I had lost and no matter how hard I tried to forget, the feeling of helplessness always came back," he said in a rush. He just kept on talking and Kathryn listened as he released all of his pent-up emotions.

"I had wanted to help her at the bar but the pain and misery kept pulling me down. I had wanted to feel numb so that the pain would not touch me so I resorted to the time-honoured tradition that saw me drinking myself into a stupor. But even that didn't help drive away the pain. The accident kept playing around in my head like a movie that would not stop. My nightmares always showed the faces of the horror on my dead friends as they died in the shuttle. Not matter how hard I tried to forget, a scent, a sound or even a word would remind me of the past. But worst of all, I kept remembering the look of disappointment on my father's face as he told me to leave," he said before he broke down in tears.

His tightly held emotions, already erratic due to the euphoria surrounding the successful breach of the Warp Ten threshold, finally broke. His guilt due to his kidnapping of the Captain, including the stealing of the prototype shuttlecraft did not help either. His control over his emotions had been tentative after he left sickbay, exhausted after the arguments he had held with the EHM. His insomnia did not help either. His nightmares about the deaths of his three friends and the guilt from his culpability all conspired against his control and he was horrified when he realised that he was crying but he could not stem the flood of his tears.

Kathryn brought Tom's head gently down to her shoulder so that he could hold onto her as he released the anguish he had kept bottled up inside of him for many years. She knew that he wished he didn't have these memories but life wasn't like that. He wept for ten minutes before he reality seeped though his hurt. Her robe was now saturated with his tears but she didn't care. He finally pulled back and wiped his tears as Kathryn looked on in concern. She shared his anguish as she thought how lonely he must have felt.

She knew that Tom was a very social person and he enjoyed contact with other people. She also knew that he had always wanted his father's approval. She tried to understand the devastation Tom felt when his father severed his ties with his only son but she couldn't. She had a very good relationship with her father so she had no context in which to compare with Tom's situation. Nevertheless, Tom was still hurting from this devastating event and it was up to her to help him overcome his pain.

"I'm sorry," Tom apologised.

"That's alright, Tom. You needed to release them," she replied softly.

An awkward silence fell upon the room. Tom was embarrassed for revealing his darkest moments while Kathryn was trying to come up with a way to help him. She finally came up with a good analogy and she broke the silence.

"Tom, think about Newton's Third Law of Motion. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. The same can be applied to the decisions we make. You made a decision and there were consequences. Whether the decision was good or bad, large or small, those decisions still affect our lives in some way. You have made many decisions and you will make many more until you die, but you will always have to decide, whether to drink coffee or tea, wear black or blue or to turn left instead of right. You made a decision, you have had enough reflection and now you must move on.

"You will always make mistakes, Tom. No matter how large or small the mistake, it is in our nature as humans to make them. But it is also human nature to learn from them. You are a very talented individual. You are naturally gifted in piloting and you are so good that you are justified in your confidence in making extremely difficult manoeuvres that normal people would not even attempt. You can do that because you know you can, and you have the skills to back your knowledge. But you also have to remember that you still have limitations, and that will inevitably lead you to fail when you reach your limit," she tried to explain.

"So that means that when I do fail, it would have larger consequences! Why should I continue to fly if my errors will kill people!?" His exclamation startled her and made her construct her next words carefully. She realised that Tom would take her words to heart and she had to ensure that she said the words that conveyed her true meaning.

"Yes and no, Tom. I did not mean that you should doubt yourself. I only meant that you should discover your limits, and be constantly aware of them. Your skills in piloting are much greater compared to everyone else on this ship. That is one of the reasons why I gave you the position of Flight Control Officer. You were right in Auckland when you said that you were 'the best pilot I could ever have'. You have lived up to the claim you made that fateful day and that is why we have survived so long in this hostile quadrant.

"I can say without hesitation that your skills in piloting and your willingness to help others has allowed us to travel this far on our journey and without you at the help, we would have surely died. Imagine the state Voyager would be in if Chakotay were the helmsman! With his piloting record thus far, we might not have left Vidiian space," she said with humour. She was attempting to lighten Tom's mood and it succeeded to a certain degree. "But you should know that you do have limits and only you can find out what they are. I have entrusted to you the lives of all the crew every time you sit at the helm and not once have I doubted my trust and faith in you. Tom, you are a unique and extremely talented individual and we are very lucky to have you with us," she declared.

"Every pilot on this ship is skilful at piloting," he said self-deprecatingly. Piloting was the only thing he knew for certain that he was good but even he had made a terrible error that had cost the lives of his three friends.

"Yes, Tom they are talented. But they don't have the style and the finesse like you do."

"You really mean that?"

His plaintive reply nearly broke her heart. She didn't realise the extent of his self-doubt so she tried to reassure her pilot.

"Yes, Tom. I really mean what I said. My advice to you as a friend is to learn from your mistakes and move on, always be aware of them but don't become obsessed with your errors," she advised.

"I just wish that all the pain would go away. I would give anything to let all my memories of the pain be washed away," he confessed.

"But you know that it doesn't work that way, Tom," she said quietly. "That you have released some of your pain is a starting point. You have kept your memories locked away for many years now and it ate like a canker at your soul. The pressure to keep it in has obviously become too much of a burden but now that you have released some of the pressure, you can now begin to heal. Only time can now heal the wounds of your soul, and you have made a very important step today by telling me your thoughts and feelings. You will get over it Tom, I'm certain of it," she said with confidence.

"Thank you Kathryn. Do you know what I just realised?" He was full of determination now and she could see it plainly in his blue eyes.

"And what is that?" she asked with curiosity. She liked to see him like this, all brimming with confidence. He had already started the long road to recovery. He still had some issues to resolve concerning his father, but the feeling of helplessness should not trouble him as much.

"Talking to you I have realised that I made some bad choices. But if I didn't make those decisions, then I wouldn't be here on this fine ship," he said emphatically.

"I'm glad you feel that way because Voyager is just not the same without you. You are an integral member of this crew and we value your contribution to the life aboard this ship," she said.

"Thanks for listening to me, Kathryn. I hope we can continue having these heart-to-heart sessions," he confessed.

"I would like that too," she replied with a smile.

"I think it is time for me to head back," he said as he rose from his seat.

"Yes Tom. Go and get some sleep. I'll see you bright and early tomorrow," she said as she also stood up.

"Yes ma'am."

* * * * *

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken
From deep inside of me
A secret I've kept locked away
No one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played

If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward so
There would never be a past

If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
Is so much simpler than change

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

It's easier to run
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made
It's easier to go
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave

Easier To Run - By Linkin Park

*****

    Next: Somewhere I Belong

A/N: This is a repost of the story with some minor changes that would explain why Tom broke down in tears.

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