Confessions at 3am

By Oprelia

Rating: PG

Code: J&P, Owen, P/T implied

Category: VOYAGER

Genre: General

Beta: H. Louise

Part: 2/3

Website: http://www.oocities.org/warpieal/

Spoilers: Caretaker, Prime Factors, Threshold, Thirty Days, Message In A Bottle, Hunters, Pathfinder, Spirit Folk, Lifeline

Archive: JuPiter Station, ASC*, TPDorm and FanFiction.Net. Anywhere else, please ask me first.

Feedback: Please give me feedback at oprelia@hotmail.com. I appreciate all comments.

Summary: Conversations, confessions and reminiscence of the past at 3am between Tom & Kathryn and Owen. Response to JuPiter Station Narrative Challenge #373. Kathryn talks to Tom after the events of Thirty Days.

Challenge: #373 on JuPiter Station from BLMHJM. Write a story that begins at 3 in the morning. (You have to state that it's 3 in the morning somehow; dialogue, whatever.)

Disclaimer: STAR TREK: VOYAGER and all its characters contained within this story are owned exclusively by Paramount Pictures Corporation. The songs 'Easier To Run', 'Somewhere I Belong' and 'Numb' are the property of Linkin Park and Warner Bros. Records Inc. No copyright infringements are intended.

Author's Note: Songfic. Inspired by the Linkin Park's songs, 'Somewhere I Belong', 'Easier To Run' and 'Numb' on their album 'Meteora'. Lyrics are reproduced without permission but I do not claim profit from the reproduction.

Confessions at 3am is a companion piece to my other story "Redemptions of the Heart". This prequel can be read independently as a standalone story. All canon events do occur, I have just played around with Tom's history and the events that occur between canon.

Tom's relationship with the Admiralty is borrowed with permission from The Undead Begonia's 'Assumptions' story which can be found on JuPiter Station. I highly recommend that story.

Thank you H. Louise for taking the time to beta my story. Your help and suggestions have been very much appreciated.

Confessions at 3am

Chapter Two

Somewhere I Belong

*****

It was three in the morning and the ship was quiet. Most of the crew were sleeping, blissfully unaware of the torment she felt as her mind played out a scene that occurred over a month ago. Her soft footsteps reached the entrance to Holodeck Two and she glanced at the control panel to see which holodeck program was active. She hesitated for a moment and then mentally chastised herself for her cowardice. She glanced around the silent corridor to see whether anyone saw her hesitation but fortunately the corridors of deck six were devoid of any activity. She stood up straight and took a deep breath before she stepped towards the twin doors of the holodeck and let the auto-sensors detect her presence so that the doors could open.

She stepped into the holographic recreation and let the doors close behind her. The doors disappeared as the program re-established the environment where the door had been. The active program was the work of the only other crewman in the holodeck. The heels of her shoes echoed as she walked on the wet cobblestones. A slight fog hung over the city casting a misty shroud that blocked the moonlight so she had to rely on the illumination of the burning oil street lamps to guide her towards her destination. The sounds of her heels and the foggy night sky combined to create an eerie atmosphere that made her feel all alone and it magnified the apprehension she felt in her heart on the forthcoming confrontation.

She finally arrived at her destination and she stopped outside the thick wooden doors. Every other time she had been in this program she had heard music and laughter but now there was only silence. If not for the light that appeared from the windows she would have assumed that the establishment was closed for the evening. The silence of the city was actually deafening to her and she hesitated again, loath to disturb the person that was surely inside. She shook her head and walked towards the doors. This conversation must take place.

She slowly opened the wooden doors and peered inside. The room was smoky and dim, a reflection of the city outside. The lights barely illuminating the haze of cigarette smoke that hung like a cloud in the room. The lone pool table was unused and neglected. The only sounds in the room were the crackling of the wood in the fireplace and the clinking of the glasses as the owner cleaned them with a cloth. She slowly entered the room to see the only occupants in the establishment. Standing behind the bar was the owner of the establishment. She was quietly wiping the glasses on the counter as she watched over the lone man that was wallowing in self-pity.

Kathryn swallowed hard as she found the person she was looking for. She could see the pain that he felt radiating towards her from his body language. He sat alone at the bar; his head resting on one hand as his other hand nursed a synthehol. She did this to him, she said to herself and she knew that it was true. She also knew that the little self-confidence he had gained whilst he was aboard her vessel had been cruelly snatched away by her thoughtless and hurtful words. She could still remember the pain she saw in his eyes when she told him that she could have destroyed his shuttle if necessary.

One by one she had ripped away his faith, pride and dignity, just as she had torn the pip from his collar. She had been hurt by his actions, had felt betrayed, but she could not even begin to fathom the type of pain he would be feeling from her own apparent betrayal of him. She had sounded just like his father when she reprimanded him. He was still hurting after all the time that had passed. She could see the pain reflected in his blue eyes every time he saw her as he stepped onto the bridge. She had come here in an attempt to heal the pain and the rift that had formed between them. She had come to ask for his forgiveness.

She slowly walked into the room, reacquainting herself with a programme she had not been in for a long time. She remembered the pool games, the banter, the flirting that had occurred in this very room long ago. All that was a distant memory now as she gazed at the creator of this magnificent program. Her footsteps were audible in the room but he was not reacting to her presence. Sandrine looked at her and gave her a look that plainly said 'he is very hurt'. She knew this already and she needed to remove the pain he felt. She stopped beside him at the bar but he did not look up.

"Tom," she called out softly.

He did not answer her. He continued to stare at the bubbles that rose in his glass of synthehol. He was deliberately ignoring her and she could not blame him. She had intentionally hurt him as he had hurt her. She had been extremely angry and her immediate reaction was to lash out at him. To hurt him just like he had hurt her but she had done the worst thing possible as his commanding officer, she had let her emotions cloud her judgement. She had given him a punishment that was both harsh and unprecedented.

Now that she had stepped back and rationally thought about it, she realised the severity of his punishment. Although Starfleet would probably support her decision, she couldn't help but question whether the punishment was appropriate. She thought about the other times that her crew had disobeyed her orders. Even Tuvok, her oldest and most trusted friend had broken the Prime Directive when he traded portions of the Federation cultural database for the Sikarian spatial trajector. He had deliberately disobeyed a direct order but he did not receive a punishment. He did not even receive an official reprimand. Tom though, he had borne the brunt of her anger and displeasure.

She admired his principles, his decision to take action for a situation that he deemed abhorrent. He had found something he truly believed in and acted upon it. His actions mirrored her own, a fact that both Chakotay and Tuvok kept reminding her about. There was an old Earth saying that said "imitation is the finest form of flattery" and he had followed in her footsteps. It was time to mend the damage caused by her actions. She had to heal the wounds she had torn into him by her cruel words and inappropriate behaviour.

"Tom. Look at me. Please," she pleaded with him.

Tom slowly lifted his head and he looked at her through bloodshot eyes. She was able to look at him properly for the first time since she had severely reprimanded him. She wondered whether he was getting enough sleep because he looked exhausted. He had dark shadows under his eyes and his hair was dishevelled. He must have run his hands through his short hair many times in the course of the evening.

"Go 'way," he mumbled before he turned his attention back towards his glass.

He must have found the bubbles fascinating as he directed his full attention to the glass in his hand.

"Computer, delete Sandrine," she ordered to the computer and the holographic bar-owner shimmered before she disappeared. She sat down on a stool next to him and gazed at his profile.

"Tom," she repeated. Still no response. She decided to speak anyway and hope that he would listen.

"Tom, I came here to apologise. I'm sorry about my words and deeds..."

He finally turned his attention back towards her and tried to interrupt her.

"Captain..." he started to say.

"No Tom, let me finish," she said. She wanted to finish what she needed to say. She waited for his nod of ascent before she continued. "I was hurting from your actions because I thought that you had betrayed me. I was angry with you and so I was cruel and petty. I did not mean for the incident to end that way. Please understand that I was wrong and I am deeply sorry for all the pain I have caused you."

"I didn't mean to hurt you. It was just something that I felt that I had to do. You knew that I loved the ocean, that I loved reading Jules Verne and I didn't want the ocean destroyed. They weren't going to listen, Captain and the reactors would have destroyed the unique planet. I just had to stop them," he said.

"I understand, Tom. I admired your principles, I still do. The passion that you have is what drives you and you did what you felt necessary. You broke the rules but I used you as a warning to everyone else onboard this ship that Starfleet rules needed to be adhered to. It was totally unnecessary and I was wrong. Chakotay, Tuvok, B'Elanna, even I have broken those rules before but I used you as a scapegoat and for that I apologise. I have placed in my logs today that I was in error when I reprimanded you. I can't retract the sentence but the logs will show how wrong I was."

"You didn't have to do that," he exclaimed. He had never envisaged her doing that for him.

"Yes I did, Tom. I want Starfleet to know how wrong I was to hand down that punishment. You should not have received such a harsh sentence when past precedence showed a lack of punishment," she revealed.

"But..." he tried to say.

"There are no buts to it, Tom. I realise that our friendship will not heal overnight but I want you to know that I'm deeply sorry for causing this rift we have," she interrupted.

"How can we have a friendship if we don't have trust. My actions have made you lose faith in me..." he started to say. She quickly interrupted because she knew what he was about to say.

"No, Tom. I have not lost my trust in you. My faith in you is just as strong today as it is when I gave you your commission. Flying is about passion, and you are driven by your passion. I still trust you but you must understand that passion alone can't get you very far. Without rules and regulations, this ship would turn into anarchy and then we will never get home. The rules are here to maintain order and discipline so that we can function in harmony together," she said. She had to make her point very clear so that there would not be a repeat of this debacle.

"So what exactly are you saying, Captain?" Tom asked with a frown.

"Your actions, while admirable, were not thought out properly towards its conclusion. That planet did not belong to us, Tom and we had no right in enforcing our beliefs onto them. You should know this, considering the fact that you grew up around Starfleet. Had I not stopped you, the Moneans could have captured you. You nearly started a war with them and if they had captured you, the punishment might have been worse. You are still young and a bit impulsive. That is the result of your passion. You must think these things clearly if you are ever going to proceed ahead in your Starfleet career. You are a very intelligent person and you are capable of making rational decisions. You have told me about your childhood tutor and how the Vulcan had taught you techniques for decision- making. Use the techniques he has taught you to help you make your choices. Only by thinking rationally will you make the best decisions, Tom," she explained.

"I guess you're right. It's just that I couldn't sit by and watch them destroy the planet," he conceded. "But I guess that I was wrong when I tried to take matter into my own hands. I'm not a Captain like you."

"If you are referring to the times I have acted impulsively then you are correct. Both Chakotay and Tuvok have brought that to my attention and I'll try to curb my impulses, if you can do the same," she said with a smile.

"I'll try," he said as he returned a ghost of a smile. He was still hurting but at least the pain wasn't as strong as before.

"Can I ask for your forgiveness?" Kathryn asked.

"Yes, Captain. I forgive you. Can you forgive me for putting you through all this? I didn't realise that my actions would have caused such an incident, proof that I wasn't thinking rationally," he said.

"Yes Tom. I forgive you. We'll both have to work on our impulsive tendencies," she said in return. Tom suddenly yawned. "Tom, how much sleep have you had this past week?"

"Not much," he confessed. He couldn't sleep when his mind kept playing the scene of his demotion over and over again.

"I suggest you go and get some sleep then. Go to the doctor and ask for a sedative if you need to. You look terrible," she said, concern evident in her expression.

"I think I'll be alright. I think that I will be able to get some sleep tonight since we had this talk," he said. He didn't want the doctor nagging him about his sleeping habits again.

"Okay Tom, but you must promise me that you will see the doctor if you still can't get to sleep," she requested.

"Yes, Captain."

"You can still call me Kathryn," she gently admonished.

"I thought that I had lost the right to call you that," he said just as softly.

"No Tom, you haven't," she tried to reassure him.

"Okay then... Kathryn. I better get some sleep," he said as another yawn emerged from his mouth. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Tom," she said in reply as she watched him proceed towards the exit.

She sat there silently for a few minutes, watching the flames in the fireplace before she stood up.

"Computer, End Program," she ordered and the holographic representation shimmered and disappeared to be replaced by the holo-grid.

* * * * *

Three Days Later

It was one in the morning when she entered the holodeck. The city was deserted like the last time she entered this program. She walked briskly towards Sandrine's, knowing that Tom was inside. She opened the wooden doors of the establishment and she had a sense of déjà vu. Sitting alone by the bar was her senior pilot, nursing a synthehol. She slowly walked towards the bar and Tom turned towards her.

"Kathryn, what are you doing here?" Tom asked.

"I must admit that I was checking up on you," she replied, secretly glad that he had remembered to call her by her name and not her rank.

"Why?" he asked with a frown

"I wanted to make sure that you are sleeping better."

"I am sleeping better, thank you."

"So what is keeping you up tonight?" she asked since he was obviously troubled by something.

"I'm not sure that you would want to hear it," he prevaricated.

"I'm always here to listen to your troubles, Tom. You can trust me," she said but she immediately wanted to retract that statement. Trust was a fragile concept right now after she gave him a harsh reprimand.

"Okay then, you asked for it. Do you want something to drink?" he asked.

"No thanks."

"Fine. I don't really know where to start," he confessed.

"Why don't you just start by telling me how you feel," she advised softly.

"How I feel... I feel a bit lost and confused, Kathryn. This whole Monean incident is still causing me some problems," he said.

"What kind of problems, Tom?" she asked. She hoped that the crew wasn't giving him a hard time.

"Not physical problems," he reassured her, knowing what she was thinking. The relief that showed on her face proved his correct intuition. "It's just that the crew have been praising me for my actions when I was clearly disobeying your orders."

"Go on," she gently urged.

"The crew have been congratulating me for taking action for my beliefs. B'Elanna had told everyone how much I loved the ocean and how it affected my decision concerning Riga's request. They have told me that they had also disliked the way the Moneans were destroying the beautiful water planet and that they were proud of me for trying to stop them.

"I've tried telling them that I was wrong in disobeying your orders but they don't hear my words because they are too busy congratulating me. There is no justification for the way everyone has been acting and I've even given up trying to correct them now. I must stress the fact that this is not what I had imagined when I was helping Riga. I wasn't doing it for the praise. There is no glory in disobeying orders and no matter how many times I tell them, they still believe that I'm a hero," Tom revealed.

"I know that you didn't seek fame or glory in your actions, Tom. Have you tried explaining why you did it?" she asked with a frown. She had a feeling that this was not really the full problem.

"Not really, but what's the point? They won't listen to me," he said.

"I'm not sure how to answer that, Tom. There seems to be another problem, though. Why did you feel compelled to help Riga destroy the refineries?" she asked.

"When I was young I had dreamt about the ocean. I told you before but I had it all planned out. My father however had forbidden me from living that dream. My feelings of pain and resentment for having my childhood dream denied came back with a vengeance when I realised that the Moneans were destroying the ocean planet. They were destroying something that I loved by their recklessness and their bureaucracy was too stubborn to understand the damage they were causing to the ocean. I was telling myself that I had to do this to let go of the pain that I've had since I was forbidden to dream about a career in the navy.

"I told myself that I had to do it to heal the wounds my father inflicted onto me through his demands of a Starfleet career. I told myself that I would find my true self by pursuing this cause and I have, Kathryn. I have realised that I am able to find a cause, that my passions don't just exist in flying and holo-programming. I must think carefully before I act because my actions can affect people. I have also realised that the dreams I have had of the ocean are no longer as strong as my dreams of flying. I am a pilot now and this is where I belong, at the helm of a starship," Tom declared.

"I'm glad that you have realised this. Not only are you a pilot, Tom, but you are also a very good medic and we are glad that you are here with us. You belong here and you have definitely grown. I'm happy for you, Tom, and we are lucky to have you. We would not have made it this far without your brilliant flying and you are truly the 'best pilot I could ever have'," she said as she gathered him into a hug.

"Thanks Kathryn. Talking out my problems to you has cleared my confusion. I guess that I'll just have to wait until this dies down before setting the record straight with the crew. I'll have to wait until they are ready to listen to my words," Tom said.

"If that's what you feel's best. I'm sure that you will handle it the best way possible."

Tom just smiled at her before he glanced around the room.

"I think I better head off to sleep," Tom finally said as he broke the comfortable silence.

"Sure Tom, tomorrow's another day and we must be bright and early," she replied as she stood up.

"Computer, End Program."

* * * * *

When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
But all the vacancy the words reveal
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck
Hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own

I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
[Erase all the pain 'til It's gone]
I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everywhere
Only to find that it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain
Hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
The fault is my own

I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
[Erase all the pain 'til It's gone]
I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away
I'll find myself today

I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
[Erase all the pain 'til It's gone]
I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I want to heal
I want to feel like I'm
Somewhere I belong
I want to heal
I want to feel like I'm
Somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

Somewhere I Belong - By Linkin Park

*****

    Next: Numb

A/N: Chapter One has been slightly revised. Don't forget to read the lyrics to the songs that inspired these stories. You will find that they are quite good.

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