For those who haven't yet experienced the sheer emotional
rollercoaster of the game Bingo, here's what I observed last time I was
forced to help out...
- Don't forget to pack a machete. You'll need it if it's a smoking
permitted one. If you want lung cancer, just breathe in the
"atmosphere".
- A new phenomena, similar to the road variety, bingo rage is rife.
Old ladies have been knifed by other old ladies if she (by sheer
coincidence) wins a few times in a row.
- Dare not talk lest ye want to be on the receiving end of the pent-up
anger of many old folk.
- You could bring in a bunch of maniacal nuclear terrorists or set
fire to the building, but the only way to get the people out is call the
last game (and the rate that they leave then proves that the speed of
light isn't the maximum speed in the universe)
- Finding out whether the numbers being called are prime or not is
infinitely more fun than actually playing the game.
- Bugger homeless people or teenagers, the mess that the old folk
leave behind is proof that they are the vilest, dirtiest creatures known
to man.
- (This may be just for the way our bingo is set up but...) There are
about 15 different ways to ask for the books to play all games (Being:
18, $18, the full set, 6-6-6, 6 of each, 18 of the best, one set, 1-1-1,
the lot, full game, all the games, all of them, 3 books, 1 of each...)
- The chance of entertaining yourself by finding a girl to talk to is
exactly zero.
- Senses of humour are left at home (and sometimes replaced with an
overindulgence of evil bitch pills)
- You have to thank God for all the chain smokers. If the thick smoke
wasn't there, you'd smell lots of smelly old people. Ewwwww.
- If a ticket is $1, the old folk must have contests of the most
creative ways of paying it. It might be a pile of 5 cent pieces or a
$100 note. Make sure you can convert pieces-of-eight, gold bars, gold
teeth and shells into coinage.
- The food there is sure to kill you if you eat it without some
antidote. For example, a cup of chips will kill you from cholestrol if
you don't have a can of Coketm and a Snickerstm.
Any attempts to consume a dim sim with this will result in death.
- There is a whole range of stationery you can buy to play bingo. It
may just seem like crossing out the numbers, so a simple crayon will
suffice, but special glues, pens, folders, chairs, glasses, drinking
cups... If you want to make a tonne of money, be the monopoly on bingo
stationery.
- Obviously the oldies have telepathy, because you get abused for not
knowing what "mfffmffhfmff" means, or that their miniscule hand spasms
means "fourteen tickets and can you please get me a cup of coffee,
white, 2.5 sugars and maybe a packet of M&Ms if it isn't too much to
ask".
- If you are to be set on fire, or splashed with acid, make sure you
are quiet until the next break or you'll be ignored or abused.
- You can appreciate what it truly means, "to hear a pin drop", when a
game is going on. I could hear my own cells replicating.
- Never, ever, ever, ever do work for bingo people unless you are paid
big time (I didn't even get paid, and I didn't even volunteer, yet my
Dad did, and under some weird logic, that means I go, not my Dad)
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