Well, what can monkeys do? On a surface level you would say: eat bananas, scratch themselves, climb and dirty the carpet. If you have actually looked deeper into it, you would come up with the following list of things your monkey could be useful for:

• They make excellent banana smoothies (fish out the bugs though).
• They can make a Hollywood movie deal and you can live off their riches.
• They can be taught to type Shakespeare so at parties you could entertain people.
• You could pretend you're from Friends.
• There'd always be someone to play George of the Jungle with you.
• Your movie library could be expanded with such titles as: Planet of the Apes, George of the Jungle, King Kong, Congo, The Lion King, Dunston Checks In, Jungle 2 Jungle and the complete Magilla Gorilla cartoon series.
• You could pretend you are that guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark with the cool little monkey.
• You could dress him up in your work clothes and send him off to work while you sit at home and rest (you might even get a promotion!)
• He'd be good for a good backslapping.
• You could carry your friend around everywhere and he'd always want to play.
• What better way to end off a week with a good ol' swing from the trees and some howling, followed by a relaxing bug-eat.
• You'd be able to see what you've always wanted to see: a drunken monkey, staggering around with a bottle in his hand.
• You could pretend you're in the starting sequence for the TV series "Monkey".

"Monkeys may be useful, but humans can do a lot more!" you may be thinking. But no. Humans are evil. We may be evolved from monkeys, but boy did we go wrong! Here's a list of what is wrong with humans:

• We are stupid (Weird Things Humans Do)
• We are sex mad (Humanity's Obsession With Itself)
• We like to advertise.
• We don't eat our fruit.
• Talk-show hosts.
• We make fun of any human who:
  • Is from the opposite sex
  • Is tall
  • Is short
  • Is dumb
  • Is smart
  • Is from another race or country
  • Has blonde hair
  • Is of a different sexual preference
  • Has a different job from us
  • Has a different culture from us
  • Has a different religion from us
  • Speaks differently
  • Walks differently
  • Thinks differently
  • Is stronger
  • Is weaker
  • Is more popular
  • Is less popular
  • Are a few disks short of the full installation
• Humans think wrist watches are pretty cool (Thanks Mr Douglas Adams)
• Some of us depend on the Net to live.
• Humans giggle at the word "gay"
• TV wrestling
• Monkeys don't have a fixation with flames.
• Humans don't get National Geographic documentaries done on them (I'd like to meet a monkey Jane Goodall)
• Monkeys don't get followed everywhere they go by a bunch of monkeys with hyperactive cameras flashing away at them.
• Humans tend to complicate things that are meant to be simple (Monkeys can communicate solely by their eyes (true!) and a few ook, ooks)
• How many disputes over a banana tree have you seen kill 43 million monkeys?
• Nuclear weapons.
• Humans tend to state the obvious.
• Monkeys don't dress humans up in monkey gear to do pictures for toilet doors or bar walls.
• Monkeys don't get paid 20 million bananas just because they can jump really high and throw a ball.
• Our fads: Punk rock, Generation-X, Cyberpunk to the masses, Troll Dolls, Teeny bopper bands, dinosaurs, natural disasters, "The Rachel", Tamagotchis...
• How many monkeys do you see get into fights at soccer matches?
• How many monkeys spend 40 million dollars on a tree to sleep in?
• Taxes.
• Monkeys don't "fake" it.
• Some monkeys smell better than some humans.
• Where's your Congo version of Las Vegas?
• Ever see a monkey in a skullcap and drive around in a Popemobile?
• Monkeys don't nail good monkeys to crosses.
• Monkeys don't put up with reruns.

So, this Christmas or for your next birthday, get yourself a monkey. They're much more reliable than humans, won't bother when you "borrow" some money or their car and (for guys) attract chicks (if it's a clean little monkey).