Weird Things People Do

This document details all the stupid, but apparently perfectly normal things we say and do. Most of Western society is prone to these, so for the sake of your own intelligence, make this your own, DON'T DO list.
 
  1. A person is run over by a tank, set on fire and then stabbed repeatedly. Then someone asks "Are you alright?"
  2. Similar to 1. but more common in drama movies; Person A is in a corner, crying. Person B walks up and asks "Are you alright?" AND THEN Person B says, "Yeah, I'm right."
  3. Knocking on a door and asking "Is anybody home?"
  4. At a party or disco, a person keeps on taking "secret" looks at a person all night. As if it's so secret they don't notice.
  5. This one is especially common in children. A huge mess surrounds Person A. Person B walks into the room, without saying a word and just as he/she glimpses the mess, Person A says, "I didn't do it!" (see also OJ Simpson)
  6. A SWAT team, armed to the teeth with heavy weaponry, hiding behind tanks, yell to a criminal, "We don't want to shoot you!"
  7. On the net or Pay TV, a person is caught watching porno. They reply, "I didn't know it was here! Honestly! I was just surfing!"
  8. "Haven't you lost weight!" which really means
    • "You're looking slightly fatter than before but I need something from you, so I'm just being really nice for my own sake"
    • "You lucky bastard, I'm going to break your car lights `cause I've tried to lose weight for years and have failed"
    • or "Damnit! Everyone have a look at ME! I've lost 125g since you last saw me! Notice my hard work!"
  9. "Nice doggy" means "I'm going to have four simultaneous heart attacks, not to mention the mess I am going to do to my underwear, if that dog even breathes in my general direction because it looks more dangerous than Saddam Hussein on LSD!"
  10. A teacher, asked an incredibly difficult question, answers, "It's obvious!" and goes on a huge train of discussion that means bugger-all to the question and tries to hide the fact that HE DOESN'T KNOW.
  11. An idiot falls down a staircase, breaking many bones, and says "I meant to do that!" And no-one asks, "Why?"
  12. "I left my assignment at home! Really!"
  13. Some idiot finds something that sounds like speech backwards in some old Led Zeppelin or Nirvana song and claims that it's a Satanic message. This only proves the fact that:
    • The person has no life.
    • The person only wants some publicity for the days spent unemployed trying to find some way of getting in the paper for something legal.
    • Listening to too many songs backwards does promote Satanic rituals as most people would rather "go to hell than hear another hidden message in a song report".
  14. The phrase: "Little children". There is only one type of children, little, unless you count demented middle-aged men who try to recapture their youth by banging their heads into walls, attempting to "headbang".
  15. As with 14., as people get older, they try to look younger. This is a weird paradox, especially with women. Young girls wear makeup to look older, old women wear it to look younger, and the age they are all trying to aim for (about 18-23 years old) usually wish they weren't around at all.
  16. Caught shoplifting, a person remarks, "How did that get there?" (this will be supplemented by a report on the evil doings of shop managers)
  17. At a funeral, a person is dragged along because they had some incredibly distant relationship with the deceased and the person decides to put on the solemn look because they're not paid enough to cry.
  18. Mosh pits for a fun night out.
  19. Teenage sitcom or soapie characters, given the "weekend by themselves and NO parties" routine, do have a party and only get caught by some tiny detail (a bottle underneath a pillow or a broken lamp). Don't these characters have neighbours or police officers in their area? (Don't get me started on soapies)
  20. Men looking at cleavage believe they have a cloaking device installed that activates once they get horny.
  21. From a fair distance away, a guy states, "Oh that's September edition of Playboy. The one with (some celeb) in it on pages 14 to 17." Then once accused on being dirty, they reply, "I don't read that garbage! I've never touched one in my life!"
  22. "Cholesterol free! Wow that means no fat or sugar! I'll take twenty!"
  23. People who protest against others wasting their time in front of TV, only promote their campaigns on TV.
  24. A group of people at a party are all laughing at some joke. The loudest laugher then pulls one of the others over to the side and asks what the joke was.
  25. Meeting a celebrity, the only thing most people can utter is, "It's you!"
  26. In movies, if someone suffers incredible pain, one of the audience is compelled to say, "Ouch!" and wince in pain, as if they were somehow transferred the damage.
  27. In a movie, or sometimes in RL, a person is bleeding to death and a friend is yelling, "Don't die! Don't die!" As if the injured person would say, "No way buddy! Sayonara!"
  28. Movie baddies feel compelled to tell the hero their whole plan and its flaws, whilst holding the hero over some escapable deathtrap.
  29. People who can quote every single line from Shakespeare can't act for nuts.
  30. (Unoriginal, I know, but it must be included) Locks on the doors of 24-hour a day, 365 days a year, shop.
  31. Movie heroes seem only capable of sustaining flesh wounds. However, the baddies can be knocked out with a punch, sliced into a million pieces and shot with flawless accuracy in every vital organ, happen to die in the most awkward or disgusting ways.
  32. (Continuing with the last one and movies) Heroes can hold unlimited bullets in their cartridges, which can hit an enemy between the eyes at 100m. Baddies, however, seem intent on shooting at the heroes' feet, apparently trying to disable them and then kill them, or they are trying to be smart-asses and trying to ricochet the bullets back up into the heroes' back. Rocket launchers are always loaded, vehicles always ready-to-go and bad hair days nonexistent.
  33. RL terrorists never demand a "bajillion" dollars, let alone a "zillion".
  34. RL terrorists, although it's pretty cold-blooded, never shoot a few hostages, just to show the government they're serious.
  35. Instead of "Geronimo!" or "AAAAAAH!", when jumping out of a plane, why not yell "SHIIIIIIIIITTT!"
  36. Proven fact that news reporters have no sense of humour: They can say, "A hundred people died at a festival today when the drinking water was mistakenly replaced with hydrochloric acid," and not laugh or grin sadistically!
  37. Women's gossip magazines always are covered with "SCANDAL", "SEXY", "HOT" or "RAUNCHY" for an article about a fat guy who got a second chance due to heart surgery.
  38. Kids assume that teachers are totally incapable of thinking logically (a debatable topic), and give reasons for not doing homework like 'My dog ate it", "I did it, but it's on the moon" or "The US government needed it for an experiment on humans, whilst co-operating with an alien life form" when it's the aliens themselves who do the experiments : )
  39. "I was going to say that!" when their faces were twisted into a face full of confusion seconds before.
  40. Horny men ask, "What's a nice girl doing in a place like this?" and don't get the answer, "Duh!"
  41. People actually believe that pickup lines like "Hi. Is that a mirror in your pocket, cos I can see myself in your pants?" and "Wanna screw?" actually work.
  42. People find it irresistable to either ask the class genius or yokel what they got on an exam.
  43. Some people believe, once a traffic light turns red, their car windows become totally opaque so that they are free to pick their nose, sing inanely to the radio or adjust underwear

 

Written By: Brett "I demand one zillion dollars!" Witty
Researched By: 86% of people who believe in advertisement statistics.

Copyright © Brett Witty, 2002.