I first noticed this phenomena as I sat awake one night holding a rather in-depth discussion with a friend. Well, we weren’t exactly talking. We were studying a screen saver (you know the flying through space one) and rating the extent to which we believed we were flying through space. Suddenly I realized we were indeed flying through space, as we were on a planet that was. However, when I attempted to relate this to my friend, I got not further than, "Space... flying... we are... umm, what’s that..." This is just one example of the effects of a Total Vocabulary Loss Horizon (TVLH).

TVLH’s Defined

TVLH’s should be thought of much the same as an EMF’s, an acronym, radiating from a source and mutating small children. The reason they are called Horizons, to which they have a familial resemblance, rather than Fields, which they actually are, should be apparent. Things called Horizons sound more impressive and are more likely to get federal research funding. TVLH’s are interesting in that nearly anything can and does produce one, though the effects are always the same (the subject forgets a portion
of his/her vocabulary store). Every man, woman and child will no doubt encounter a TVLH in their lifetime and, though a precious few seem to be immune, will fall under the Horizon’s effects. The educational system has been aware of this danger for some time and has taken every step to combat these invidious fields. Specifically it has forced school children to learn 500 different ways to say "stubborn." While this does little to counter-act the effects, it does delay them. So the next time you forget "stubborn"
be glad the educational system had the foresight to teach you "intractable" and "contumacious."

Types

TVLH’s are copious and varied. There are blue TVLH’s as well as Mauve and that nice tint of lavender that the Crayola People call "Periwinkle." (Just a side note here for a bit: I hate that color, it angers me. It always has, even as a child [when I was a child, not the color]. I suspect "Periwinkle" is an experiment in color hypnotism or mind control designed as a first generation emotion rouser. Not that anyone has ever been able to make any thing stick to the Crayola People. The Crayola People just hand you a Rosebud Red and say, "It is impossible to make crayons that control minds, don’t you think?") But enough of this. The following is a list of the stronger TVLH emitters and their effective range.

Beds: These devices, once thought harmless and innocent, are now seen as the source of the strongest TVLH. This is why if you sleep too long, you feel light-headed and upset. Your subconscious is angry about having to scramble to find all those hard-learned vocabulary words. Anyone, having slept in a bed, does not acquire their full function until up to 5 hours after leaving aforementioned Horizon. Also noted, these TVLH’s have a gravitational pull such that they are extremely hard to leave.

Alcohol, Liquor, Liqueur, Spirits, Moonshine, Granny’s Tonic, Hooch: This must be imbibed to take effect. If you don’t know how it takes effect, you should, as it is important to understand science. Go experiment.

Clocks: Clocks produce a TVLH around 2 in the morning. Either them or time. I don’t know. See I discovered this one on my own and I’m lazy.

Important People: With the discovery of TVLH’s, a breakthrough came about in the way scientists understand social rank. Popularity itself is a TVLH. When meeting an important person, many people are at a loss for words. Current research even points to the fact that people may succeed based on their personal TVLH. Thus fame and prestige would sometime be an inborn trait.

Stupidity: Most stupidity projects a Horizon on the bearer of said stupidity. However special types of stupidity create another outward focused field that closely mimics that of the important people. Thus management was created.

Exceptionally Beautiful Women: These are perhaps the furthest reaching of Horizons thus far; the field many effect anyone within viewing distance. Men are generally the most susceptible to this field and most men, nearing the nucleus of the field, will lose most to all knowledge of any vocabulary in any language. Women seem to be somewhat shielded from the field, however, only synonyms to "slut" are protected.

How They Work

Imagine TVLH’s are like magnetic fields that attract knowledge, specifically words, like magnets attract metal, or mandrakes attract tarantulas. Think of those bits of knowledge, those "words" as little trash bins. Now imagine that field around one of the aforementioned emitters (I suggest the last one). Now imagine. Now place yourself into the picture, walking by, haphazardly unaware of the TVLH. As you pass over the Horizon the trash bins in your head are knocked over by the magnetic field
(because you were stupid enough to imagine metal trash cans) and your subconscious can’t find certain words because they are with all the others on the floor. Your only hope for communication is that somewhere there is a trash can unaffected by the TVLH with a synonym in it or that you can leave the TVLH. Once words are in your head they cannot be lost, only converted to bad
ideas, like energy and matter. This is why the effects are temporary: your subconscious is a very neat little thing that will straighten up all the trash cans. The only lasting complication is that with all those words flying around, you are apt to get some reactions and thus bad ideas.

Detecting TVLH’s

Here is how to detect TVLH’s:
1. Find a crowded spot.
2. Go around chanting synonyms to "stubborn."
3. When someone says, "What does that mean?" or you are stuck for synonyms look around you for any of the possible TVLH emitters.
4. Go back to step 2 unless you found an emitter.
5. Send a envelope full of unmarked twenty dollar bills with nonsequential serial numbers to P.O. Box 5367, Nashville, TN 37215.

Trouble Shooting the Detecting Method

- I don’t know any synonyms to stubborn: Use a different word or thesaurus.

- No one said anything: You are probably, not chanting loudly enough. Try again.

- I can’t find an Exceptionally Beautiful Woman: You and me both, buddy... you and me both.
 

Conclusion

In retrospect I really don’t think this thesis means a thing, except that I have too much time on my hands. Perhaps I could sell it at discount rates. So if you want any of my life, call me; we’ll work something out. In conclusion, I think it is safe to say that TVLH’s are relatively safe, if slightly embarrassing (unless they aren’t, in which case it would be dangerous to call them safe, if slightly embarrassing). However it is nice to understand things. Sometimes I think about science and I say to myself, "I’m glad I know science."