Living | Lectures | People | Leisure

It's a fairly essential thing no matter where you are. But at University there are a lot of different things you can do for accommodation.

In my opinion, the best thing since spiced ham*. Sure, it's expensive but it's great. Imagine this: a couple of hundred 18-21 year olds living together, all with alcohol and sex on their minds. Much fun ensues. Of course the administration for the colleges doesn't advertise college life like that, but you sort of have a feeling that it was going to happen anyway. The joy of attempting to finish assignments with thirty interruptions per hour, or the nights where you somehow don't get to bed until 4 am. It's lots of fun. Picking on the first years is a perennial pastime. Practical jokes are always in vogue as well. There's one thing for certain, there's always something going on at college, whether you want it to or not.

Colleges usually have rivalry with the other colleges. If you do not hate the other colleges, you are seen as a traitor or 'soft'. It's not that you can't have friends from other colleges or whatever, its just you don't admit to it. You definitely don't even think about being modest about your college. It is the best no matter what. You could have a bunch of leprous cripples for your football team ("Pass the ball!!! No not your arm dammit!") but you always say, "At least they have heart" and other clouding phrases. Your rowing team isn't crap, it's inexperienced and did very well to compete with other experienced rowers. Referees and judges are always biased when we lose. Our Big Cheese (the Big Boss etc, called the Rector) is an expert at these sort of things.

But the best thing about colleges is the people. Everyone is different. You have a lot of freaks (who tend to congregate... Hmmmmmmm) but that's expected. And if you play your cards right, you're never in need. Forget your Chemistry book or even the lecture (or semester of lectures)? Just ask the guy next door who does Chemistry. Feel like getting into a political debate because you like to irritate political fanatics? Find one at mealtime or just "accidentally" wander into the selected target's room. Even romantic/sexual problems can easily be rectified. There's always a few guys who "have their links" who can hook you up. You can even steal someone's girlfriend at a party. It's that easy! And if you want to give this... I guess you call it "love"... thing a serious go, there are always tonnes of parties/functions in which you can get yourself or a selected target drunk and have a great night. The morning however...

But it's not all beer and bonking. There are serious things like study and assignments that you can successfully avoid. Ask/pay the local brainiac to do your assignment, or just get someone to photocopy theirs in exchange for a few beers or something. It's great stuff.

Colleges are all well and good if you're a rich, snobby bastard (quote from a non-college person who I didn't like anyway), but if you want a real experience, try living with a few other complete strangers who you have to entrust your entire life and future with. It's a brilliant idea, in theory. You rock up to a place, they give you an interview and say, "Gee aren't you cool... We have to have you stay with us!" You pay some money and life is easy from there on in.

Not.

The great people you have shacked up with could be anyone in real life. They may consume illicit drugs like a hypochondriac. They may have a likening to inch-thick cigars (or other derivatives... *nudge* *nudge*). They may play death metal music at four in the morning because they always do that when they come home drunk and need the music to set the mood while they bonk the brains out of some person they managed to get drunk enough at the bar. They may even be an ultra-fanatic. They may scream like a banshee on fire if you happened to use bug spray on the nest of cockroaches that live in the fridge, because not only is it environmentally degrading, but it's very bad karma and invasion on the cockroaches' right to life. There are bazillions of stereotypes that I could list off. Everyone you could share a house with is a freak in some way or another. If you are in that situation and you can honestly say, "I don't live with freaks" (and you're pretty sure they can say that about you) then you are one of the lucky few.

Not only is living with freaks bad enough but you have to live. No longer are you living with your family. You have to do your washing, ironing, cleaning, grocery shopping and cooking... Usually there is an arrangement that certain people are delegated a set job every day or something. But that is dangerous. Especially when it comes to food. When you've had mince, canned food or pizzas for the fourth night in a row, you tend to get a bit sick of it. No more roast or properly prepared meals. Quick and easy is the motto. If you demand otherwise you will understand that most people really suck at cooking. Not just they're not the best, they really suck. They think recipes are only guides and realise too late that four handfuls of curry powder is a bit silly to put in tomato soup.

The best thing about it is total independence, through dependence of your flatmates. There are rules set by the occupants (and landlord (eek!)), but you don't have your parents or some college adminstration breathing down your neck every time you decide that a "small gathering" at your place is in order. It's an Indiana Jones experience. It's not for the weak, but there is always tonnes of adventure and potentially dangerous situations.

Number one rule: You don't make it too well known. It's alright if it's your first year at Uni but if you're still with your parents when you're finishing off your doctorate thesis, something's wrong. Living with your parents has all the benefits of college life, with none of the responsibilities. Washing, cooking, cleaning... Usually all automatic with very little of your input. Parties aren't as frequent as they are at college, but it's great once in a while to demolish the garage in the name of a good time. It's fairly easy (if your parents don't suddenly metamorphose and begin demanding work, results and rent). There are bad things, like your parents being your parents and living near you, and siblings. But they can be ignored if you have a good garage or guest room (converted into your "den"). It's like college but with people to do your housework and some responsibilities.

Living | Lectures | People | Leisure

You can't escape the fact that university is about going to lectures and hopefully learning stuff. But it's nothing like school. Everything is optional. Don't feel like getting out of bed? Don't then. No-one's making you go. You just pay your fees and hand in assessment and everything's hunky-dory. But lectures are half the fun of Uni. You turn up and there are hundreds of people who you don't know, which is pretty fun. The first thing you realise is that once you enrol in a certain faculty, you have basically enrolled in an alliance. Anyone not from your faculty is very different from you and most possibly a weirdo. Arts students as a whole are seen by the Science, Engineering and miscellaneous faculties as fanatics and freaks. Arts students are "all" supposed to be strongly politically aligned, train themselves to think outside of the box of rational thinking and usually have weird hairstyles. Then the Arts students say that the Science students are a bunch of clueless people know how to do algebra and do hideously immoral things, "just to see what happens". Engineers are sub-scientists (in the scientists' views) and scientists are sub-engineers (in the engineers' views). Economists are generally ignored and Law students... Let's not talk about them. If you happen to be doing many different things (like a Dual Arts/Science degree), then you just sit back and say how silly it all is (or make fun of engineers. Everyone pokes fun at engineers).

It even happens within faculties. Take for example, Science. Here's a table to explain it:

These are the sort of things you either learn by experience or have it drilled into you by the older students.

But lectures are great stuff. You never realised how many different ways there are to take notes until you have been to a few lectures. Normal "write down important stuff", hurried scribbles, stick man pictures, audio equipment, sitting there and just absorbing it, video tapes, the Internet... It's amazing.

Living | Lectures | People | Leisure

You have never seen so many freaks in your life. Universities are freak havens. Whether the Biology department are breeding them, the ones from Psychology tests are escaping and multiplying or whatever, there sure are a lot of them. You have nerds, Goths, right-wingers, left-wingers, Buddhists, latent psychopaths, stalkers, Trekkies, hippies, drug users, weirdos and engineers. Freaks all of them. Sure, it is not like normal people are outnumbered, but there seem to be a lot more of them than there were at high school.

Speaking of weird, lecturers are pretty cool. Some are funny, some are odd and others are deadly boring but happen to make funny/amusing stuff happen. Always get to know your lecturers. They are your best friends. If they aren't your friends, then you're in big trouble because they're the ones holding the big, evil red pens of marking. These mighty magical weapons of destruction can take one "You're an idiot lecturer and you smell funny!" and use it to transform an A to a big fat F. Wow! So respect them. They are well-versed in both sides of The Force.

Living | Lectures | People | Leisure

Leisure is abundant at University. There is a lot of uncreative, boring and stupid people who resort to illicit drugs, inordinate amounts of alcohol or having bizarre relationships with people and animals. Fie! to them I say! There are tonnes of fun stuff to do at Uni. Here's a short list:

• Lecture jogging. Take your lecture timetable. Add to it your friend's. And then another friend. Now turn up to all the lectures. It takes much skill and is fairly entertaining, especially if you heckle lecturers (make sure it’s a lecturer for a class that you don't take).
• If you have an Indiana Jones streak run through you, try this: Plan a particularly outrageous stunt that is sure to anger some group muchly. Like by wearing a "I like to drown puppies" T-Shirt to an animal rights club meeting. Then "accidentally" say things like, "Yeah, well it shouldn't have been on the road anyway..." Once a lynch mob has formed, then the fun begins. Make sure you pack a bullwhip to keep them at bay if they get too close, and also for if you need to make a daring getaway.
• Do weird stuff in lectures. Come to a lecture in pyjamas. Hum "I Dream of Jeannie" constantly. Try to apply any of the Things To Do When You're Bored. It's great fun and the most they can do is kick you out of lectures.
• Join ultra-radical or ultra-weird clubs. Join anything with an -ist on the end (feminist, socialist, communist, fascist, chemist...) Make it known too. That'll sure annoy people.
• Go muck around with the engineers or practical physicists. They're always inventing something weird or useless. Have discussions with computer scientists. They always have something interesting "they found on the Web".
• Get lost in the libraries. It's great fun, especially if you end up in some weird section of the library, like demonology, Indian philosophy, the dark depths of pure mathematics, or toxicology sections. You can usually find a bizarre book that will "broaden your mind-view" or whatever. Weird stuff is good.

This is just the barest report on the wonders of University. I thoroughly recommend going if you can, even just for a laugh.