If you're a hardened feminist, open up your email program now and begin writing furiously away. Though it is not my intention to put down women, I intend to put things into perspective and on the level. So write me angry letters, saying how much of a chauvinistic pig you believe I am. Make stuff up. It's too time-consuming to read through all this. Flame me and read through this stream-of-consciousness later. I dare you.

But for those with enough patience and open-mindedness, read on. Then send your death threats if you so have to.

(One last thing, this is not for the ultra-conservative. Understand that it is important to describe genitals and so forth to explain sex differences. Live with the truth.)

On Feminism | The Sex Difference | Myths

Ask any man what he thinks about feminists and you'll get replies with very little variance. Key words in their sentences would be: "weirdos", "excessive", "ball-crunchers" and "fracken fricken frack". The opinion is definitely not favorable towards them. And why should they be? Burning bras and using long words to describe what "every man on earth" is. Many men don't want to listen to their tirades. But let's put it in perspective and just have a look what they should be on about:

Everyone knows that females have, in the past and on some occasions, in the present, been given the raw deal. Sure, back in the early human years, men were built like Tarzan on steroids and used their clubs to discuss ideological disagreements. Women were the nurturers because simply, they were brilliant at it. Clubs and big rocks don't make dinner (they help a lot, but you can never conjure up a nice roast with them), nor do they stop a baby crying in a good way. That's how it was. Nice and simple because we couldn't handle anything else.

But now it's a bit different. We've grown, blown each other to bits on many, many occasions and generally gotten smarter (or getting better at pretending to be). As a result, the gender roles are very fuzzy. Men look at women and smack their foreheads. "Gee! All I had to do was put the milk in the microwave and not the baby! That's easy!" they may say. So guys figured out how to handle the frightful little buggers some call children. But then, women sat back, had a breather and looked at Man's Work. They glanced over and said, "Gee! All this time I've been suckered into looking after kids when I could be living the easy life and do economics or something. But there seems to be a catch... We have to declare war on someone every so often... Oh well..." So women gatecrashed the party and joined the workforce.

All well and good. Except men found out that having a beer with his buddies was much more pleasurable than cleaning up after little monsters. And since beer required money and money required working, they didn't like the idea of the women hogging all the money that could be going towards beer. So they made it difficult for women to get anywhere near beer money.

Which is not fair if you look it from a third person's perspective (a little hard). So the gender wars flared up. Now wars are funny things (not ha-ha funny obviously). You'll look at the start of most of them and there'll be some conflict. Someone has thought it would be a good idea to irritate a whole bunch of people (of group A). So obviously, group A isn't terribly pleased. So they say, "You smell and I wish cancer upon you." So the naughty words and insults fly. Which is sort of justified. But then you'll get some extremist who wants to elevate it to the next level. They begin saying, "You know that group B people have intimate relations of the bovine kind?" Then another A says, "Surely not all!"
Extremist replies, "Yep... All of them! And they ran over my vegetable patch so I reckon it's pretty justified that we nuke them!"

That is how wars go.

The gender wars went along the same lines (but minus the cow stuff). There was justified annoyance from the females. But then the hard-core feminists said, "Hey, let's milk this for all it's worth!" So every man was a chauvinist pig if they didn't bow down to the might that was womanhood. Women had to be everywhere. If there was a man to fill the position, a woman had to kick him out of it, regardless of the abilities. Which the innocent guys (the guys who agreed that fairness should be employed) didn't like at all. Equality doesn't mean being unfair back. Two wrongs do not make a right. But it is in war. Some evil dictator killing people left, right and center? Blow him and his country to bits is the solution! So feminists decided it was high time for women to rule the world. Which is okay for those who believe in the 2 x wrong = 1 right equation. But they can't just say, "Hey, you dominated over us for many years, shove over!" They know Men will say, "Talk to the hand baby, cos the face ain't listening!" So the feminists had to employ propaganda. Sure, women are, in many cases, just as capable as men in performing a task. But to claim that women are far superior to men is a pretty big call.

It's silly really. If they were so vastly superior, why hadn't they already seized control from the hands of the much less capable males? And don't give me the rubbish of: "Oh men had all the power and they used this so women couldn't do anything!" If you are so convinced of women's deity-like power, then such obstacles are trivial. It was because men had the power, but were of equal ability that the unfairness existed and persisted for quite some time. Feminists are like the boyfriend who hears about the girl's previous boyfriend.

"Am I better?"
"Oh you're about the same."
"No, am I better?"
"You are better in a few areas that I like, but not that vastly different."
"But am I better?"

They ignore the plain fact that equality is possible because males and females are of equal ability overall. They don't want to accept that they can compete with males. They want to win. Which is sorta megalomaniacal if you ask me.

On Feminism | The Sex Difference | Myths

You have to be a complete idiot to not realize that male doesn't equal female. Not to say that equality is not possible, it's just if I got a standard male and a standard female, side by side, you can tell there is a difference. He has bits she doesn't. She has bits he doesn't. Which is why they need each other. It so happens that if you get his bits and her bits, combine them with large portion of consent, good stuff happens (unless you're talking about the parents of Macauley Culkin. Exception to the rule).

Now it so happens that I'm currently finishing a real-world assignment regarding gender identity, which involves differentiating between the sexes. For this section I purposefully avoid any freaks of nature. If you are one such "unique" person, don't be offended. It's just I don't really care to write stuff like, "Men, women, hermaphrodites, neuters and everything in between". In this ideal world, there are only men and women. Now back on track, there are definite biological differences between men and women. Later in life it's really easy to tell. Guys have dangly bits downstairs whereas women don't (which reminds me, first thing to check on a date is the presence of lower dangly bits. Ignoring this can lead to much cardiovascular pain later on). High proportions of women have jiggly bits up higher, but that's subject to age and genetics. But basically, to tell whether it's a mummy or a daddy puppy, you have to lift the tail.

Mentally you could not find two complete opposites. Venus, Mars... All that rubbish. Traditionally men like to do stuff. Whether it is making things, playing sports or beating things up, men love to be physical. Possibly an artifact from the Neanderthal stage, whatever, I don't care. But it's true. The best way for guys to mix with other guys is playing a game of football or just plain old wrestling. Great fun. Sure, someone could take that elbow in the face too seriously and make your knee bend an entirely novel way, but those are the risks you take. What are you? A girl?

Women obviously are (or have been). Women can be physical too. But if given the choice of wrestling or doing something like talking, they would not choose the former. It's obvious really. Girls don't end up in a big wrestling match in teenage slumber parties. Guys would love to think they would (while they sit on the sidelines and drool), but they don't. There might be pillow fights or whatever. So what? Women aren't anywhere near as physically inclined as men. And don't give me any rubbish that it's about hormones. I'm educated. In psychology we have been shown strong evidence to suggest that hormones (especially testosterone) have little to no effect on male aggression and libido. It does in women. So ner.

(Quick note: before I continue with the sex differences, note that I am male, so my knowledge of the devious inner workings of females is limited. I am mainly hypothesizing, based on my limited expertise. If I'm wrong, I truly don't care.)

But surely there is more to men and women than that! Bloody oath. Take for example experiences. Men have not an iota of an idea what women go through and women couldn't even make an educated guess at what men experience. It's that simple. Men could take a guess at what delivering a child would feel like (intense pain would probably be a good stab at it). But to push this little bugger "about the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a 50 cent piece" (or whatever they continually tell us) is something you couldn't really imagine. Men wouldn't know what it's like to have a period (ick). To have some cyclic periodicity to your moods and physical well-being. Which is all well and good. Women love to tell men that. But women also have not the foggiest. Ask them to explain male bonding. They say, "football, fishing or hunting". But it's not that. That's like saying "the Lord of the Rings was just about some ring or something". Yeah, if you wanna be simplistic about it. But it is so complicated, so intense, you just got to experience it to understand. On the biological side of things, women have no idea of what an erection is like. Not only that, but they have no idea how weird it is for "it" to have a mind of its own. I spoke about the English language being able to describe pretty much anything. I take that back. All these examples and the myriads of others are just indescribable, given limited time and patience.

One of the more baffling experiences is love and relationships. If you could be some mysterious, gender-less ghost-like observer, it would look so weird. Women stand back and weave their complex plans and emotions. They think men wake up in the morning and ask their penis, "Should I ask a girl out today?" Men have no idea what goes on in the hidden sub-plane of the female mind. Men know that they want sex, and females are good ways to go about getting it. But it looks like women don't particularly want sex. How weird. Men grow all these anxieties about whether a girl actually likes him or not cos they haven't the foggiest of what to make of the "subtle hints". Females know that men haven't got a clue about their motivations. They tag them along, consciously or not. They wear the plunging necklines and the short skirts and wonder why men ogle them. Men's eyes wander and they stress out when they think a women has caught them. Men try to control their sex drive and try their best to pretend they aren't thinking about sex. They are, but at least they try. And women love to remind men that men have their short-comings on controlling their libido. Women aren't entirely innocent either, if you ask them to be honest. They may sit there, stroking pencils while drooling over drummers. They aren't as transparent as men, but if you watch their subtle body language, you know they aren't innocent as they lead men to believe. It's amazing stuff. I could go on and on about the little nuances of relationships and how bizarre it all really is. But I have a lot more to talk about, such as:

On Feminism | The Sex Difference | Myths

There are quite a few things that males get wrong about females and vice versa. Here's a short list of each:

Debunked Myths about Males

1. More often than not, men actually utilize their brain to think, not their sixth little piggy. Actually, it's incredibly hard to think with it.
2. (Thanks to Howard Stern for some of the info for this one) There aren't like two types of men: Real men and "little men". There are actually two types of dongers. You can have the long ones that merely stand to attention and then you have shorter ones that do an Incredible Hulk transformation (a few lightning bolts and then it explodes into a huge powerhouse). There is nothing logically wrong with either. The long ones can lead women into believing that they are magically gifted. On the Incredible Hulk side of things, what's a long, limp one gonna do? Nothing. The only important thing is how good the soldier is in the heat of action.
3. Not all men fall under the category of chauvinist or SNAG. It is possible to just be male. Not that that is a specific category. You have smart men, stupid men, caring men, mean men, funny ones, social dropkicks... There are more types of guys than it's worth listing.
4. The "men think about sex forty bazillion times a day" or some other stupid statistic. If they did, there would be no erection. It'd normally be like that, requiring no special classification.
5. Unless they are really, really concentrating, they can't help but have a quick "glimpse". Apparently it's an instinct developed from the Neanderthal era. Big breasts apparently equaled great mothers. Survival of the jiggliest.
6. As I said before, as evidenced by psychological research, testosterone has no real indication on male aggression or libido. Live with it.
7. Males worry about stuff and have other emotions. You don't have to cry to have emotions.

Debunked Myths about Females

1. Females do not cry at the slightest provocation. If they did, they would eventually go blind.
2. Females do not enjoy men staring at them 24/7. Sure, some don't mind to flirt occasionally, but to know that regardless of where you go and what you do, there is a man watching you, is a little uncomfortable.
3. Women think about sex, but they hide and control it better. They know all to well that they have the final say in whether sex occurs or not (ignore the case of men with no moral conscience whatsoever).
4. Women aren't around so that men can relieve some pent-up sexual steam. They do give birth to kids, go to work, make scientific discoveries, help fight in wars...
5. The feminist streak that most women seem to have inbuilt is exactly the same as the chauvinistic streak men have. It's social conditioning to point out the inadequacies of the opposite sex. Anyway, it makes things fun when you intentionally take it to extreme ("Oh sorry babe, I only go out with girls with massive breasts. You just don't measure up.") Great way to stir up women. Strangely enough men always take it seriously.
6. Puberty is extremely weird for them as well. And it's different for different girls. Some wake up and find that their body is mutating into some weird thing. Things ballooning and doing things they never did before. Which can be scary. Others love it. A famous example is Leelee Sobieski (a young actress who was in Eyes Wide Shut, Deep Impact and some Joan of Arc TV movie). She explained that the growth of her breasts was something wonderful and magical. Apparently she would wake up each morning and welcome their impending arrival. Or so the news article went. But still, some women love their new metamorphosis. Others hate it. Which a lot of guys never stop to think about.
7. They do go to the toilet, have real blood and squishy organs and do other not-so-delicious human things. Don't think just because they are beautiful that they don't produce excrement and have periods and such. They are still human (ignore special cases of plastic Barbie girls. Remember: say no to rhinoplasty!)

Well I believe that I've spoken enough on the differences of the sexes. Purists may argue that I didn't write an article solely on women. So what? I chose to write about women by contrasting them with men. Bite me if you wanna complain. Which reminds me, if you want to complain about what I've written here, take the advice of the Frenchman in Holy Grail, "Go and boil your bottom!!!" (I just wanted to get a Monty Python reference in :) )