Just kidding. They say it is good to start with a joke. So I did. It was funny. ("HA HA"'s repeat for several hundred lines, indicating that although a superior race, their part of the galaxy has not developed its comedianship beyond plagiarism).

But seriously folks, I have spent the last three years on this remote planet in order to investigate the inhabitants. The dolphins declined any part in the investigations and so I had to go for the next best thing. Humans.

These creatures have only two arms, two legs and one head (in most cases). They have a simplistic 10 fingers and 10 toes, have no knengles at all, and have an extremely poorly coordinated fashion sense. Only 5 people in one million wore the galatic prerequisite silver jumpsuits. The rest of them wear whatever they prefer, sometimes nothing at all. You should find it most amusing that they have not developed a species-coordinated uniform. The rest of the Earth's inhabitants already have. In fact, leopards have decided a stylish, summer-coloured spotted design would be their design. Although nothing like silver jumpsuits, they've at least got the right idea.

Earth's commanding human representatives are numerous. They have not invented an Evil Overlordship, and seem to, curiously, attempting to stamp out oppression.

The transmission is interrupted by a public announcement.

EVIL OVERLORD NOT-NICE-AT-ALL-IOUS THE IV COMMANDS ALL MINIONS TO APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE NO FREE WILL, RELIGION, OPINIONS OR RICE CURRIES. THE ANCESTRY OF EVIL OVERLORDS HAVE FOUGHT HARD FOR YOUR OPPRESSION. YOU HAVE 3.2 SECONDS TO APPRECIATE YOUR STUPID RELATIVES THAT WERE FED TO THE BLORGSKATTERBURNIAN MINION-EATERER IN ORDER FOR YOUR ABSOLUTION OF RIGHTS. <PAUSE> ENOUGH TIME! BACK TO WORK!
(In very fast speaking) This public announcement brought to you by those who don't care about what you think. This break in slavery is considered holiday time and you will be charged at the prerequisite quadruple-time and a half.

Zod's dissertion continues.

Not only do they attempt to stamp out corruption and oppression, but in spite of having a ridiculous TWO genders, they attempt to bring equality of the genders too! Humankind will realize the errors of their ways once they recognize that coffee is for intergalactic travel and visit a nearby intergalactic social event. Their failings will duly be brought into the light numerous times and laughed at.

On the up side, humans have evolved reasonably sophisticated communication technologies. In fact, during my stay, a new development has become public. It involves millions of computational machines, humans and long wires (not exactly original after their tin-can telephony). This networking of computational machines has facilitated the transfer of important information and buzzwords. Humans call this ambitious project, "pornography".

Related to this information network, is the human's concept of reproduction. Unable to spontaneously spawn offspring, they participate in an act called "gender" (The translation isn't quite perfect) It appears to be a complicated ritual involving social events, injection of fluids (ethanol-based and biological), Tom Jones (religious leader of this "gender" initiative?) and hideous noises. These rituals strangely are not usually public events, although they can be.

Humans often complain about everything, probably due to the fact of no oppression. They often try to cheer themselves up by utilizing the "pornography" network, or watch grown men have "gender" with dead animals. Recent multimedia trends show that "gender" with dead animals, bodily fluids and the curious growths on the abdomen on the non-males, have positive effects on humans. They counsel humans through "movies" which involves sugar-laden drinks and salt-soaked electrical packing parts. "Movies" are an easily accessible counselling service which are almost a social occasion. Efficiency of these methods is high as they can fit many humans in one session simultaneously. Other common trends in "movie"-style counselling involves public exhibitions of symmetric humans (called beautiful for some strange reason) having gender with other symmetric humans, often of different non-maleness. Significant advances in treatment are rewarded through a peculiar public display, known as the "Oscars". This display of lack of fashion sense (and in some cases, clothing at all), appears to be an international event. Humans do the darndest things.

Zod's dissertion is interrupted again.

Coming up next on the Things We Tell You To Learn Channel is five minutes of the galaxy's favourite comedy, "Zvlargbusk's Funniest Planetary Annihiliations". Watch the peaceful plant-tending people of Plupparpus be hunted down with pointy sticks and nuclear bombs! And next week, laugh as the inexperienced pirate-race, the Bluebeards, mix up what they have to burn, rape, pillage and destroy! Fun for the whole family! And now, a message from your oppressors...
WORTHLESS HUMANS! WE HAVE INTERCEPTED YOUR INTERCEPTION OF OUR MESSAGE! AND WE HAVE GREEN-COLOURED DEATH RAYS! WE OWN J00! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA...
All implicit or implied notions of overrunning your civilization are coincidental and aiming death rays, green or not, is not an instance of Attempted Annihiliation, Section G of the Universal Code of Law.

Zod's dissertion come to an end...

It is my recommendation that no galatic civilization attempts to destroy the humans for at least another twenty years. The poor sods haven't even come up with a red-class death ray, let alone a blue or a green. Give them a fighting chance. Continue to scare the stupid ones with light shows so our eventual attack will be even more successful, and rewarding. Transmission ends.