about
Domestic Violence
This page is intended to provide local information in the Greater Greensboro area to those who have been or are being victims of domestic violence, and is dedicated to the Law Enforcement Officers who came to their rescue.
What is the Cycle of Violence?
What is the Progression of Violence?
How do I stay safe before I leave?
How do I protect myself once he is out of Jail?
What is Post Separation Violence?
Links - Links to other Domestic Violence web sites.
It is the pattern of behavior that seeks to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation. It often includes the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when batterers believe they are entitled to control their partners. They believe that violence is acceptable and will produce the desired results.
Not all battering is physical. Battering includes emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, threats to and about children, using “male privilege”, intimidation, isolation, and other behaviors used to induce fear and establish power.
Battering escalates. It may begin with name-calling or punching thorough a wall or kicking a pet. Next steps may be pushing, slapping, pinching; then punching, kicking, biting, tripping, throwing, or restraining. It often includes sexual assault. It may lead to choking, the breaking of bones, and other life threatening incidents.
(Source: Largo Police Dept, Largo FL)
Rural and urban women of all religious, ethnic, racial, economic, educational backgrounds; of varying ages, and lifestyles. We are discovering more and more physically disabled and elderly people are abused. There is NO “typically battered personality”. The risk factor is often being born female or becoming physically handicapped.
Over 50% of all women will experience physical violence in an intimate relationship, and for 24 to 34% of those women the battering will be regular and on-going.
Although there is no profile of the woman who will be battered, there is a well-documented syndrome of what happens once the battering starts. Battered women experience shame, embarrassment, isolation, repression of feelings, and may be prevented by control and fear from planning or acting on their own behalf. Women may not leave battering immediately because they realistically fear that the batterer will become more violent if they attempt to leave; there are few supports to their leaving; they know the difficulties of single parenting in reduced financial circumstances; there is a mix of good times-love-hope along with manipulation-intimidation-fear. They may not know about or have access to safety and support.
(Source: Largo Police Dept, Largo FL)
Physical Abuse:
Punching - shoving - restraining to keep one from leaving - slapping - biting - kicking - choking - hitting - throwing objects - locking one out of the house - abandoning one in dangerous places - refusing to help when partner is sick, injured, or pregnant - subjecting another to reckless driving - forced one off the road or kept partner from driving - raping - threatening to hurt one with a weapon
Sexual Abuse:
Told anti-women jokes - treated women as sex objects - filled with jealous anger; assuming partner would have sex with any available person - insisting that partner dress in a more sexual way than they wanted - minimized the importance of partner’s feelings about sex - criticizes sexual performance - insists on unwanted and uncomfortable touching - withholds sex and affection - uses sexual names like “whore” or “frigid” - forces partner to strip even though they did not want to - shows sexual interest towards others in public - engages in affairs after agreeing to a monogamous relationship - forces sex - forces partner to have sex with others - forces partner to watch others having sex - forces particular unwanted sexual acts - forces sex after beatings - forces sex when partner is sick or it is in danger of partner’s health - forces sex for the purpose of hurting partner with objects or weapons - commits sadistic sexual acts
Emotional Abuse:
Ignores partner’s feelings - ridicules or insults women as a group - ridicules or insults partner’s most valued beliefs; such as religion, race, heritage, or class - withholds approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment - continually criticizes, calls names, shouts, insults, or drives away partner’s family or friends - humiliates partner in private or public places - refuses to socialize with partner - keeps partner from working - controls the money - makes all the decisions - refuses to work or share money - takes car keys away - takes money away - regularly threatens to leave or tells partner to leave - threatens to hurt partner and partner’s family - punishes or deprives children when angry at partner - threatens to kidnap the children if partner leaves - abuses or threatens to abuse pets - tells partner of affairs - accuses partner of having affairs - manipulates with lies and contradictions
Social Isolation:
Doesn’t allow contact with family - doesn’t allow friendships - if there are friends; calls them names, questions/accuses, harasses till partner ends these friendships - suggests/demands a physical move away from a geographic location that is familiar or safe to the family - “mutual” friends are abusers/victims and/or alcoholic/drug dependent - keeps partner prisoner in own home - makes family live on abuser’s time; everyone is where abuser wants them, when the abuser wants them there - refuses to socialize with the partner - denies access to the car
Financial Dependency:
Keeps partner pregnant - keeps partner/family in debt - keeps partner from working - if partner employed; causes trouble at work site; tries to get partner fired - if allowed to work; keeps partner underemployed or at a job that is disliked - controls money/resources; everything is in abuser’s name - refuses to work or share money - accustoms partner to a lifestyle that cannot be sustained without abuser
(Source: Largo Police Dept, Largo FL)
Many women are interested in ways that they can predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who will be physically abusive. Usually battering occurs between a man and a woman, but lesbians can be battered also. Below is a list of behaviors that are characteristic of people that beat their girlfriends or wives. The last four signs listed are battering, but many women do not realize that this is the beginning of physical abuse. If the person displays several of the other behaviors (say three or more) there is a strong potential for physical violence - the more signs a person displays, the greater the likelihood that the person is a batterer. In some cases, a batterer may have only a couple of behavioral signs that the woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. will try to explain his/her behavior as signs of his/her love and concern) and a woman may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control the woman.
Jealousy:
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love, it is a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. He/she will question the woman about whom she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of time she spends with family, friends, or children. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call her frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He/she may refuse to let her work for fear she will meet someone else, or even do strange behaviors such as checking her car mileage or asking friends to watch her.
Controlling behavior:
At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because he/she is concerned for the woman’s safety, her need to use her time well, or her need to make good decisions. He/she will be angry if the woman is “late” coming back from the store or an appointment. He/she will question her closely about where she went, and with whom she talked. As this behavior gets worse, he/she may not let the woman make personal decisions about the house, her clothing, going to church: he/she may keep all the money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or room.
Quick Involvement:
Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. He/she comes on like a whirlwind, claiming “You are the only person I could ever talk to.” “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” He/she will pressure the woman to commit to the relationship in such a way that later a woman may feel very guilty or that she is “letting him down” if she wants to slow down involvement or break off the relationship.
Unrealistic Expectations:
Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs; he/she expects the woman to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, friend. He/she will say things like “if you love me, I am all you need - you are all I need.” She is supposed to take care of everything for him/her emotionally and in the home.
Isolation:
The abusive person tries to cut the person off from all resources. If she has male friends, she is a “whore.” If she has female friends, she is a “lesbian.” If she is close to the family, she is “tied to the apron strings.” He/she accuses people who are the woman’s supports of “causing trouble.” He/she may want to live In the country without a phone. He/she may not let her use a car (or have one that is reliable). He/she may try to keep the woman from working or going to school.
Blames others for problems:
If he/she is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing him/her wrong, out to get him/her. He/she may make mistakes and then blame the woman for upsetting him/her and keeping him/her from concentrating on the work. He/she will tell the woman she is at fault for almost everything that goes wrong.
Blames others for feelings:
He/she will tell the woman “You make me mad.” “You’re hurting me by not doing what I want you to do.” “I can’t help being angry.” He/she really makes the decision about what he/she thinks or feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the woman. Harder to catch are claims that “You make me happy.” “You control how I feel.”
Hypersensitivity:
An abuser is easily insulted, he/she claims their feelings are “hurt” when really he/she is very angry or he/she takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. He/she will “rant and rave’ about the injustice of things that have happened -- things that are really just part of living like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told some behavior is annoying, being asked to help with chores.
Cruelty to animals or children:
This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. He/she may expect children to be capable of doing things beyond their ability (whips a two year old for wetting a diaper) or he/she may tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry (60% of men who beat the women they are with also beat their children). He/she may not want children to eat at the table or expect to keep them in their room all evening while he/she is home.
“Playful” use of force in sex:
This kind of person may like to throw the woman down and hold her down during sex. He/she may want to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is helpless. He/she is letting her know that the idea of raps is exciting. He/she may show little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate her into compliance. He/she may start having sex with the woman while she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill or tired.
Verbal abuse:
In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be observed when the abuser degrades the woman, cursing her, running down any of her accomplishments. The abuser will tell the woman that she is stupid and unable to function without him/her. This may involve waking the woman up to verbally abuse her or not letting her go to sleep.
Rigid sex roles:
The abuser expects a woman to serve him; he/she may say the woman must stay at home, that she must obey in all things -- even things that are criminal in nature. The abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde:
Many women are confused by their abuser’s “sudden” changes in mood. They may think the abuser has some special mental problem because one minute he/she is nice, and the next he/she is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity.
Past battering:
This person may say he/she has hit women in the past, but they made him/her do it. The woman may hear from relatives or ex-spouses/girlfriends that the person is abusive. A batterer will beat any woman they are with if the woman is with him/her long enough for the violence to begin. Situational circumstances do not make a person have an abusive personality.
Threats of violence:
This could include any threat of physical force meant to control the woman: “I will slap your mouth off.” “I’ll kill you.” “I’ll break your neck.” Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will try to excuse threats by saying “Everybody talks like that.”
Breaking or striking objects:
This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the woman into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with his/her fist, throw objects around or near the woman. Again, this is very remarkable behavior -- not only is this a sign if extreme immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks they have the “right” to punish or frighten their wife/girlfriend.
Any force during an argument:
This may involve a batterer holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving a room, any pushing or shoving. They may hold the woman against the wall and say “You are going to listen to me!”
(Source: Family and Children’s Services, Greensboro NC)
WHAT IS THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE?
Battered individuals are not constantly being abused, nor is their abuse inflicted at totally random times. It is clear that battered individuals experience a definite battery cycle. This cycle appears to have three distinct phases which vary in both time and intensity.
Phase 1: Tension - Building Phase
During this time, verbal and minor battery incidents occur. Victims usually attempt to calm the batterer by accepting responsibility for their problems. She hopes that by taking responsibility, she can gain some control over the situation by changing her behavior.
Phase 2: Acute-Battering Incident
This phase is characterized by uncontrollable discharge of tension. Rarely is it the woman’s behavior that triggers Phase 2; it is usually the internal or external state of the man, triggered by a minor incident. SHE GETS THE BEATING NO MATTER WHAT HER RESPONSE IS!
Phase 3: Calm-Loving Phase
This phase is welcome by both parties and is characterized by extremely loving and kind behavior. He knows he has gone too far, he begs her forgiveness and promises he will never do it again. He truly believes he will never hurt her again; he believes he can control his anger from now on. This is when women are most likely to flee, but this is also when he works or her guilt to keep her in the relationship. It is during this phase that her “victimization” is completed. Most women say that before they know it, the calm, loving behavior gives way to verbal abuse and minor battering incidents. Phase 1 (tension-building) reoccurs and a new cycle of violence begins. (Source: Largo Police Dept, Largo FL)
WHAT IS THE PROGRESSION OF VIOLENCE?
Pre-battering violence: verbal abuse, hitting objects, throwing objects, breaking objects, and making threats. When abusers hit or break objects or make threats, almost 100% resort to battering.
Beginning levels: pushing, grabbing, restraining.
Moderate levels: slapping, pinching, kicking, pulling out clumps of hair.
Severe levels: choking, beating with objects (sticks, ball bats, bed slats, etc...), use of weapons, and rape.
One in three women in a battering relationship are raped. There are two kinds of rape in domestic violence -- one, with weapons; and two, she submits out of fear that if she were to say “NO” he would get angry and beat her.
(source: Metro Nashville Police Dept, Nashville TN )
Reasons why individuals batter:
(source: Largo Police Dept, Largo FL)
For further information on this topic please contact:
Family and Children’s Services
120 W Smith Street
Greensboro, N.C. 27401
Phone: 910-279-8955
24 hour Crisis line: 910-274-7316
The question asked most often of women who are in an abusive relationship is “Why do you stay?”
There are a number of reasons why women stay:
(source: Largo Police Dept, Largo FL)
HOW DO I STAY SAFE BEFORE I LEAVE?
DURING AN EXPLOSIVE INCIDENT
Argue only in a safe place:
If an argument seems unavoidable, try to have it in a room or area that has access to an exit, and not in the bathroom, kitchen, or anywhere near weapons.
Practice your exit: Practice how to get out of your home safely. Identify which doors, windows, elevator, or stairwell would be best.
Prepare a bag: Have a packed bag ready and keep it in an undisclosed but accessable plave in order to leave quickly.
Alert a neighbor: Identify a neighbor you can tell about the violence and ask that he/she call law enforcement if he/she hears a disturbance coming from your home.
Share a code word: Devise a code word or signal to use with your children, family, friends, and neighbors when you need law enforcement.
Plan your lodging: Decide and plan where you will go if you have to leave home (even if you don’t think you will need to).
Call a crisis line if you need help.
Trust your instincts: Use your own instincts and judgement. If the situation is very dangerous, consider giving the abuser what he wants to calm him down. You have the right to protect yourself until you are out of danger.
PREPARING TO LEAVE
Set up your own account: Open a savings account in your own name to start to establish or increase your independence (have statements mailed to a trusted friend). Think of other ways in which you can increase your independence.
Store some necessities: Leave money, and extra set of keys, copies of important documents (including photos of injuries, medical bills, and other evidence) and extra clothes with someone you trust so you can leave quickly.
Seek friends’ help: Determine who would ba able to let you stay with them or lend you some money.
Be ready to call: Keep the shelter phone number close at hand amd keep some change or a calling card on youat all times for emergency phone calls.
Memorize your plan: Review your safety plan as often as possible in order to plan the safest way to leave your batterer.
Checklist: Things you need to take when you leave:
- Identification
- Driver’s license
- Birth certificates (yours and your children’s)
- Money
- Rental agreement, lease, house deed
- Bank books
- Checkbooks
- Insurance papers
- House and car keys
- Medications
- Address book
- Pictures (including photos of any injuries)
- Medical records for all family members
- Social Security card
- Welfare identification
- School records
- Work permits
- Green card
- Passport
- Divorce papers
- Jewelry
- Children’s small toys
- Small saleable objects
- Other: _____________________________________
(source: Family and Children’s Services, Greensboro NC)
Whether or not you are in immediate danger, call 911. Officers will respond as quickly as possible.
It would be helpful if you were prepared to give the following information to the Officers when they arrive:
If you are in need of emergency counseling contact:
Family and Children’s Services
120 W. Smith Street
Greensboro, N.C. 27401
Phone: 910-279-8955
24 hour Crisis line: 910-274-7316
24 hour Rape line: 910-273-7273
If you need temporary shelter, contact:
Clara House
They can be reached through:
Family and Children’s Services
120 W. Smith Street
Greensboro, N.C. 27401
Office: 910-279-8955
24 hour Crisis line: 910-274-7316
If you do not know what to do, or where to go, contact:
The Women’s Resource Center
623 Summit Avenue
Greensboro, N.C. 27405
Phone: 910-275-6090 Fax: 910-275-7069
e-mail: wrc@spyder.net
Web Page: http://www.spyder.net/wrc
In a word, YES. He will be arrested, and will be in jail at least over night. Now, I know what you are thinking... you do not want him to go to jail. I am quite certain that you truly believe in your heart that it was your fault... he did not mean to... it was not that bad... he will not do it again... he is sorry for what he did... I have heard them all. Trust me - right now, jail is where he needs to be. They will not hurt him, and if they do not arrest him, he is going to hurt you. That fact is inevitable.
As a human being, you have the following rights:
All battered persons...
That otherwise wonderful person, who just rendered you bruised and/or bloody, has violated your above mentioned rights.
Yes, he will go to jail. No, it is not up to you. And most important, unless he does, it is NOT GOING TO STOP! If you do not make him accountable for what he has done, he is going to do it again and again, and next time it will be much worse. Eventually he will kill you.
HOW DO I PROTECT MYSELF ONCE HE IS OUT OF JAIL?
Use the following checklist as a guideline. As soon as possible, contact Family and Children’s Services for additional information and assistance, and for crisis counseling.
If you have possession of the marital residence and have obtained a 50-B Domestic Violence Protection Order, contact the following and make sure all are in your name. Let them know what has happened and ask for services to be put in your name if they are not already. Once they have been contacted, they will not allow your spouse to have them disconnected. Give them a password such as your grandmother’s maiden name (something your spouse or his family would not know) and request that no information be given out or accepted on your account without it. This will prevent him from gaining access to your account information, or from re-routing items such as your newspaper or TV Guide to his new address.
____Power Company
____Phone Service (local and long distance)
____Long distance calling card
____Cable
____Newspaper
____TV Guide
____Car insurance
____Gas Company
____Oil Company
____Water Dept.
____Health club
If you have credit cards in your name or in joint names you need to contact the creditors by phone, tell them what has happened, and advise them that your spouse is no longer authorized to use your credit card. For joint accounts, instruct them to issue you a new card in your name alone, then immediately write each creditor to confirm your phone conversation in writing. Be sure to keep a copy of your letter. As above, give them a password so that your spouse cannot gain access to your account information, or make changes that will prevent you from using the card.
____Debit card
____Visa
____Mastercard
____Discover
____American Express
____Gas card
____Gas card
____Store___________________________
____Store___________________________
____Store___________________________
____Store___________________________
____Video store______________________
If you have checking and savings accounts, CD’s, etc. in joint names you need to immediately withdraw between 50% and 100% of the funds in these accounts. While you legally may withdraw all of the money, you may want to withdraw only half of the funds if he has treated you well financially. If you do not make these withdrawals, he is likely to withdraw all of the money and you may never receive any of it.
____Checking
____Savings
____CD
____Other____________________________
____Other____________________________
If your spouse or his friends have keys to your house, you need to change the locks immediately - within the hour if possible. Even if you have possession of his keys, it is possible he may have a spare set you do not know about. If he has keys to your car you need to have those locks re-keyed as well. Retain an attorney right away. Chances are your spouse will have one. If you do not and he does, when you go to court it will be like a lamb to the slaughter. Do not take that risk.
Document everything! Describe the incident in detail, including the date, time, and details of the initial violent incident, then document everything your spouse does or says from that day forward. Document if your spouse attempts to disconnect or cancel anything, or use your credit cards. If he does, he may be in violation of the 50-B order. Document every conversation with him with dates and details of everything said - especially if there are threats. If possible, do not talk to him at all. if he calls you, and you have the necessary equipment, record the call and save the tape. You may never need it, or it may prove to be vital later on. Carry your documentation with you everywhere you go. Include what you have written, your 50-B, and any warrants, summons, or motions you have taken out against him, as well as anything he has taken out against you. If he takes false charges out against you for revenge and you are arrested, this will go a long way towards keeping you out of jail.
If he comes to your door, DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR! No matter how sorry he says he is, do not open your door. He is in violation of the 50-B order. Call 911 and let the Police talk to him. Do not talk to him yourself. Any response from you will be construed by him and by the police as encouragement. If you work in a public building such as a mall or office building, you need to notify security of the 50-B order. Give them a copy of the order and a recent photograph of your spouse so they will be able to protect you while you are at work.
Take a copy of the 50-B order and a recent photograph of your spouse to your child’s school. Tell the office personnel what has happened and leave instructions as to who may pick up your child. Give them a password so that no one can pick up your child unless they have the password. Give the password only to persons who will be picking your child up from school. If you have a will, you need to consult an attorney right away about removing your spouse from your will as a beneficiary, and as the executor. Be sure to nominate a relative as your child’s legal guardian if you feel that your spouse may abuse your child.
WHAT IS POST SEPARATION VIOLENCE?
Many, perhaps most people, believe that battered women will be safe once they separate from the batterer. They also believe that women are free to leave abusers at any time. However, leaving does not usually put an end to the violence. Batterers may, in fact, escalate their violence to coerce a battered woman into reconciliation or to retaliate for the battered woman’s perceived rejection or abandonment of the batterer. Men, who believe they are entitled to a relationship with battered women or that they “own” their female partner, view women’s departure as an ultimate betrayal which justifies retaliation.
Because leaving may be dangerous -- dangerous from the point that the batterer learns that the relationship may end through several years of separation -- does not mean that the battered woman should stay. Cohabiting with the batterer is highly dangerous both as violence usually increased in frequency and severity over time and as a betterer may engage in preemptive strikes, fearing abandonment ar anticipating separation even before the battered woman reaches such a decision. Although leaving may pose additional hazards, at least in the short run, ultimately a battered woman can best achieve safety and freedom apart from the batterer.
Leaving will require strategic planning and legal intervention at avert separation violence and to safeguard victims and their children. Law Enforcement advocates, and battered women must work in partnership to assure that the separation process is safeguarded against batterer violence. (source: Metro Nashville Police Dept, Nashville TN)
Here are several links to sites that have other information you might find interesting in helping you deal with an abusive partner.
Domestic Violence Resources on the Net
Domestic Violence Related Links
HandiLinks To Crimes - Domestic Violence
DJA: Domestic Violence Resources
Domestic Violence Home Page - American Bar Association
The Family Violence Prevention Fund
Domestic Violence-PAC 43.025 - A course of study you can take over the Net!!
Please send any questions or comments to me
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