I feel so inadequate!
*****
I have started roaming the net for other Journal pages. I knew there
were a lot of us out there, but I had not idea that there were
so many. And the *quality!* is unbelievable in some of them.
Not only interesting content but very impressive graphics and
HTML code.
*****
Now I have to admit. What follows is a pattern of thinking I always
end up engaging in. I get a project
done, like it, and then find many other similar, or like projects out there that are done
much better (my internal critic says). What is the immediate conclusion?
Mine are terrible in comparision! So frustrating! I usually give up, but I am going
to press on this time instead of turning tail, running or
changing a bunch of things. I have worked hard to "decorate"
this site so it is a reflection of "me". Yes, parchment and flowers.
No! I am not a "girly-girl". Or maybe I am? And, so what! if I was? I guess what
I am trying to convince myself of right now is that I have my own
style and although not glossy and professional, like some I have seen, it is mine
and just as important! I say this to convince myself of course!
And of course, that does not diminish the importance of all the wonderful
sites I have been reviewing this morning. There is so much talent! I just
feel a bit humbled to add mine to the pool.
*****
It is nice to be getting more and more comfortable with the routine of writing
and uploading now.
Wow, and it was only 2 days ago that I was upset about how difficult
this was to master. Do I vacilate here? Just a bit, my dear, just a bit!
*****
I went to lunch today with this most wonderful person who works at the
same company as I. A talented and wise woman, I was amazed to
learn that she was 67 years old! The older I get (45) the more
convinced I become that one is not even close to being an adult until
they have entered middle-age! And what a dirty little trick life
plays upon us by taking life away just when a lot of us are finally
"arriving". Oh, boy. Yes, here I go. That death issue thing.
But it just seems so unfair. And if you have a problem with the idea
of "fairness" what about the irrationality of it? To groom and prepare
a lifeform to its pinnacle just to destroy it? *****
So here I am, having waffled a bit in my religion, and begun questioning like a
child everything I had believed, having a problem with
the concept (concept, hmmm, ah, reality?) of death. (For more of this
wondering see my spirituality page) I mean,
what's the point? Is it possible that there is really nothing beyond the
grave? I used to believe in an afterlife; I don't know anymore.
The recycling of souls seems to work for a philosophy, but even
that seems to have problems. Where do you go when
you die? Something drives this body and mind. It has to go
somewhere, doesn't it? Questions that need answers and I fear
there are none out there. Still, I must search and continue to
grow I guess. *****
I do believe in the Devine, call him/her God or whatever! I do believe
in the synchronicity of the universe. Too many things have happened
in my life to be labeled as coincidence! And the urge to create,
as explained by author Julia Cameron, must come from somewhere, why not from
the Master Creator? So many thoughts. So little time. *****
I am glad, however, I have such wonderful and wise women friends to
journey with me through all these questions. The wisdom of a woman
of years should never be taken lightly.
Journi
