It should be Friday!
I slept my entire lunch today, and I am still tired. I hate being tired. I just hate it. I want to have incredible, boundless energy. And I cheated on my diet again. Two egg, bacon and cheese tacos. And they weren't even that good! And of course, having transgressed, I felt there was nothing preventing me from having a candy bar too. I guess today is all about excesses. Excessive exhaustion, eating and too many things to do, all of which can't be accomplished here at the office.
I shouldn't be too hard on myself--I was successful last night in doing everything I had planned, with the exception of the cookie baking. But this morning, I got everything out and ready to go for tonight, including taking the butter out to soften while at work today, so I should get a pretty good start tonight. Once again, when I blow this place at the 5:00 o'clock bell, I am off to more holiday bustling!
Keith and I watched "Voyager" (a Star Trek spin off) last night on the T.V. (one of the few show we actually still watch) and I was bitterly disappointed by the theme and ending of the show. One of the characters had suffered a catastrophic injury resulting in his death and, after 18 hours, was resuscitated and brought back to life. The rest of the show centered on this poor fellow trying to resolve his believe in an afterlife and the glaring abscence of having experience one during his extended time of "death". Suddenly all the stories and doctrine he had incorporated into his life appeared to be nothing more than lies to cover up a deep seated fear of death. He had lived an entire lifetime of misbelief! And not only was his entire belief system negated, he had to struggle with what the new meaning of a life would be, in the light of the reality of no afterlife. What was the point of living? It was really a pretty powerful little show! Unfortunately, it ended with no real conclusion. You see, this poor character had such a violent time believing his entire life had been a lie that he wanted to die again, and was prepared to see that he did. Now I admit, the writers of this show had painted themselves into a bit of a corner from the very get-go! After all, once this subject was "out of the bag", so to speak, where does one go with it?
And it was just this lack of resolution, or closure that made the storyline so upsetting to me. I knew that there would be no solution to these questions, and having asked and pondered and wondered about these very issues so many times myself, I really wanted some. I felt the very least the show could do, especially one that is supposed to be entertaining, was to produce a ghostly specter of a long passed relative who would confirm there really was a heaven and that everyone and thing after death was just waiting for the right time to manifest to us. Something was needed to answer the question opened by the storyline--something that proved that one's most personal and private beliefs of the afterlife are real, not fantasy! I just wasn't ready, last night, for another one of those "let us ponder reality" shows. I wanted answers. At the very least, I wanted to be entertained. At the very worst, I wanted no answer at all and certainly not to be left with, "well, your life has been a lie----so you had better get on with your death!"
This kind of ending implys that the circle of life is broken. The suffering can never be justified. What is the point? Birth, life, struggle, growth, maturation, love, family and finally oppressing age and illness and disease --then death. Not a picture I can dwell upon too much, even here in this page of mental rumination! All this makes the question "is that all there is?" too real and ugly to comprehend. Do we really live this life and fight this fight just to age and die? Where is the point? the logic?
It seems to me, that everything appears to cycle in our world. Why should we, too, not cycle? It seems to fall within the natural order - to be born, to live, to die, to evolve onward to another dimension. What is there in our universe that does not cease to exist in some form or another at the termination of it's "known" life cycle? Since there is no proof to the alternative, at least, aside from that which comes from a book, movie or screenwriter's active imagination, I chose to believe that we are as eternal as the light energy that streaks through the atmosphere And it is this belief system that keeps me going. Keeps me getting up every morning. And keeps me at task.
I am ready to go home; ready to pack it up and call it a day. And there is still another hour left to go on the time-clock! And to top things off, I have been one day ahead of myself all week. This should be Friday! I should be getting ready for the weekend in another hour, not preparing for another day at the office!
But, one more day we have, so I will have to make the best of it. Keith (and I) are supposed to go out for his office party tomorrow night, to a nightclub. And I do not plan on attending! I simply no longer find enjoyment from noisy, crowded places, filled with loud music and even louder people. I guess I am just getting old. And not drinking anymore makes being around those who do, tedious. (Oh, and NO, I don't think those that drink are sinning or anything like that.) Keith, on the other hand, loves do dance and kick up his heals, so--I plan on dropping him off with a pre-arranged time to pick him back up again. I will then head to the maul (no, I did not misspell it) and finish off the Christmas shopping. I much prefer this to the alternative of forced conversation with people I barely know. But that, as they say, is subject for another entry and discussion---so it's onward and upward to another day---the last day of the week: Friday!
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