You Might Want to Miss This One!
8:05 p.m.
Brother. I really can feel sorry for myself! I can't believe I wrote the 13th's entry; I am actually embarrased. I thought about deleting it, but shoot, what's the point of putting "me" on the web if I censor it?
I changed the format of the site again. (As is you didn't notice) I don't know why, but when I saw the graphics, they suddenly seemed perfect. At least for now! I seem to change my mind as often as I get sick, lately.
I can't believe that Christmas is almost upon us. I am supposed to be knitting the last of the socks, and instead, here I sit. I tend, the more overwhelmed I get, to procrastinate more and more. And it doesn't help that I am still a bit depressed. I can hear Keith chuckling in the living room (rerun of "Airplane" on the tube) and I almost resent the fact he can still find humor in *anything*.
I know that getting sick is probably what has set me off. That and knowing that we need to move again. I just got settled. Geez. I just get so tired.
I have been upset, even with my sister (by birth). Having nursed her husband through a year of cancer, and finally burying him, I have *never* tried to burden her. But now, as the time marches on and she begins to heal, I resent her proposed plans for the future. She is considering moving--relocating completely. But not back here. She has been entertaining ideas of Colorado. I want her to entertain the idea of Texas! She is completely alone now, her oldest also grown and gone. Nothing keeps her from moving here to be closer and give me a hand. Nothing. Except that she won't do it and I know better than to ask her.
Her wounds have never healed. Of course, I am not sure mine have either. I just seem to cope better with the responsibility of careing for a parent that was, ahem, was not much of a parent to begin with. For her, the resentment is too great. For me, well, I don't think the wound is open, or anything like that. It is more like I have a "weakness". I do OK, until I get sick, or Pop pushes a button. And then everythin all tends to cascade down upon me.
I am in the middle of that avalanche now. I know I must pull myself up by the boot straps, but somehow, I just can't. Depression is really an incidious companion. But there doesn't seem to be much I can do but "ride it out", so to speak. Eventually, I will be "OK" again. And better able to carry the responsibilities life has dealt me!
One of the reason I loved the graphics I selected for the journal and these entries--they remind me of what I am--or what I will be when someone eventually discovers the dusty discs that reflected a portion of my life. I look at myself in the present with the eyes of someone in the future. It is a coping mechanism, I guess.
Thanks to my missing work these last few days, it doesn't look like I will be able to take Christmas week off the way I had planned. Even so, it will be nice having the 3 days off! I told Keith we need to sleep at the house on Christmas Eve so I can be there and just get up and do Christmas breakfast.
We got another "pre-approved" Visa card in the mail today. We did what we usually do--we cut it up. I don't get these banks. Credit is extended and extended--it seems like everyone owes more to the banks and to interest than they do to themselves! We compromise the way things should be so we can try and make them the way we want them to be. I remember when it was the exception, not the rule, for the woman to work outside of the home. Now, it has come to the point that not only are most households two-income families, but the news reported the other day that more and more men are taking on 2nd jobs. 3 income households! And that is what they are, too. Households. How can we call them "families" anymore when everyone is out trying to survive?
Oh, and did I mention that our oldest son blew the engine out of his car? It appears all the lectures Keith and I delivered about checking the oil and water went on deaf ears. I guess we should be grateful. We got our truck's transmission taken care of for under $1000.00, and the engine on my son's care will be under $2000.00. Not much under, though.
Oh, and then there's the matter of Keith's teeth. Dentist came in with an $8000.00, estimate. Seems most of Keith's teeth are falling out due to bone loss. Our insurance pays $1000.00 a year.
Maybe we shouldn't have been so hasty in cutting up that new credit card after all.
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