I'm Sorry!
I have been guilty about one thing or another since I was born. It started, I think, with "religion". Anyone Catholic out there, especially "old" Catholics (pre-Vatican II), know exactly what I mean by that statement. In the Church one is taught, from the earliest of ages, to be sorry for their actions. After all, actions are really just the animation of sin. And the most incidious of my shame comes, not just from actions (or, of course the pitifull lack thereof) but my very thoughts.
Now if one combines this "unique" religious training with critical, (but loving?) parents, one ends up with a creation that senses heavy, internal, self-imposed responsibility for bad weather when it occures.
Now I don't mean to imply that I learned nothing from my Faith but shame; I also learned to Love and Cherish. And my parents (must have) imparted more to me than an overactive sense of responsibility. But when one takes both teachings hand in hand--one ends up with a person who says "I'm sorry" a lot.
I'm sorry if your day turns out poorly. I'm sorry if the sun fails to shine. I'm sorry if your car won't run and I'm sorry if you don't win the lottery. I'm sorry when the Spurs or the Cowboys or Lucky Lady in the Fifth race don't win, and I'm sorry you chose to bet on the event's outcome in the first place.
I'm sorry if it rains when you want to go on a picnic, or if it is too cold, hot or dry for your garden to grow. I'm sorry if your tomatoes get bugs or if they fail to produce fruit to your expectation. I'm sorry if you don't get your Social Security check on time or if you have to use it to pay bills you incurred!
I'm sorry if I woke you with the phone or I failed to realize you were in the shower when I called. I'm sorry if you don't feel well and I'm sorry if you feel well, but must go to work. I'm sorry if you are having a bad day and I'm sorry if your good day passed too quickly.
I'm sorry you have aged and I'm sorry if you are lonely. I'm sorry if your body fails to serve you well...I'm sorry your life turned out in a way you would not have preferred.
I'm sorry if you are bitter and I am sorry if you are filled with jealously and envy. I'm sorry if you are resentful and I'm sorry if you can't have your way. I'm sorry when your friends don't call and I'm sorry when your family doesn't treat you the way you think they should. I'm sorry I grew up to be happy and I am sorry you ended up sad.
I'm sorry you are losing your control over others; I'm sorry you can no longer manipulate others the way you once could. I'm sorry you must live with the consequences of your own actions and I'm sorry for your very actions in the first place.
The picture of this lost and sorry daughter was finally perfected this past year--and now sits upon the mantel of a father, who expects her life in return for the one which he wasted away.
In looking back over the forces that shaped my sorry conscious, I now smile with sweet gratitude for the Faith which strengthens my soul and sooths my tired patience when I can sometimes no longer perform to that "other's" expectation.
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