Work, studio commitments, this page, my fiberarts and, of course, my wonderful family! Now mix into this equation the fact that I am probably the sickest I have been in 4 months (exhaustion, joint pain, extremity weakness and diffused body pain). The result is that I am becoming more and more depressed. I can't figure out what to do to stop! Everything that I have been looking forward to is happening, why now do I have to have a relapse of symptoms.
Keith has warned that I may need to give up the sculpture but I can't bear the thought. I know something has to give - but if I can just make it through these next few days and the move!!!!... Anyone who has ever suffered from CFIDS and FMS knows how dicouraging it is, especially at times like this.
So many of the medical providers are convinced that depression is the reason for the individual being ill. I'm here to tell you that depression is the result of the person being sick. If any of you have checked out some of the links on my "Chronic Pain" page, you may be aware that a frighting proportion of these disorders actually are fatal--simply due to the fact that an amazing number of those who suffer with them commit suicide. It is times like this, when all is going at its best and my whole future is spread before me like a beautify tapestry, that I can understand the futility that leads the suffering soul to such an fatal act. And I can also understand why the family and friends of the victim usually are so confused -- "why she was so happy....everything was going well..she was right at the point of a breakthrough in her life. We just don't understand?"
If you know someone like this---I beg you, please understand and help before its too late.
Now please don't misinterpret what I am trying to say here! I am not advocating suicide nor am I considering it. I am one of the fortunate ones whose Creator has blessed with family and friends who understand and support me through this. But there are so many out there who don't have that support. It is for them that I pray for more understanding and eventual public support. Unless you have been very sick and faced with a medical community and society (through ignorance, not maliciousness)which dismisses you as a "faker" or "neurotic", well you just can't imagine the emotional toll it takes. Keith has gone with me to doctor appointment after doctor appointment and heard the results of tests read outloud: "Normal", "Within Normal Range" and "Unremarkable". He knows what I go through - lives it with me, but instead of buying into the "its all in your head" song that so many providers sing, he fights right along side me to find, if not a cure, a happy medium. A point of balance so our lives can be as normal as possible. Unfortunately, there are times when this is not very successful and lately he is getting to the point where he wants me to stop all the activities and accept the limitations; I just can't. Not yet, at least. They are what keeps me going.
But you and I know that this will all pass eventually and that all I really need is to again have several "well" days in a row to be able to once again have "perspective" back in my life. It will happen.
Journi
Copyright @ 1997 by Journi
