Men and Women Exhibit Alarming Differences by Brad Seabourn I don't know if you have noticed lately, but men and women are different (my wife interjects at this point that this is an excellent example of the MAJOR difference between men and women -- men are ALWAYS on the subject of sex, EVEN when sex is not actually the subject). It seems appropriate to discuss this minor detail since the PRIME DIRECTIVE for interpersonal relationships while in college is: "A Saturday night in Aggieville coupled with enormous quantities of beer seems to have a direct and significant bearing on what ultimately qualifies in the early morning hours as a man or a woman." A casual stroll through Aggieville last weekend provided numerous examples in support of this directive ("Whoa, Dave! What IS that creature Bill is taking home with him?" "I don't know Steve ... sorta looks like a large, quasi-hairless rodent to me.") Since this is Thursday, I think we can safely assume most of you have clear enough thought processes by now to finally be able to determine the difference between large, quasi-hairless rodents and members of the opposite sex (for a select group of women this is actually quite easy: you have men on the one hand, and the large, quasi-hairless rodent is Sen. Bob Packwood). However, aside from the obvious physical differences (large, quasi-hairless rodents aside), such as the fact women always seem to have a headache when they go to bed, or when they wake up, or when they are taking a shower, or when they are doing their aerobic exercises in those tight, nylon, exercise shorts, or when they are lying on the kitchen table suggestively dicing erotic-shaped vegetables for the evening meal ... aside from THESE facts, it is the cerebral differences I would like to undress -- I mean, "address." Men and women, quite simply, think differently. Take the taboo topic of birth control. Man: "Did you use the multi-purpose Cool Whip/birth control foam?" Woman: "No. I thought you were going to use the dual purpose water balloon/birth control device?" Man: "But I thought you KNEW I quit using that because it doesn't have the FEEL of a real water balloon?" Woman: "So, what you are saying is: we just had sex and you didn't use ANYTHING?" Man: "Well, yes, sort of. But I thought you ..." Woman: "Sort of? SORT OF!" Man and Woman (in unison and in complete, uncontrolled fear of pregnancy): "AHHHHHHHH!" In addition to frequent, unexplained headaches and a skewed sense of sexual responsibility, women possess what is commonly referred to as "female intuition." As incontrovertible, scientific proof of the existence of this extra sense which, by the way, exists in every female form of life on the planet, I submit one of the Seabourn family's dogs as Exhibit A. Sidney, our large, female, eating/pooping machine, is, under normal conditions of temperature, pressure, and huge quantities of Milk Bone dog biscuits, your average, active, female Labrador. However, on certain totally unpredictable occasions, she will perceive with her intuitive, female, dog sensors an invisible "intruder" (who is probably using a canine version of a Klingon Cloaking Device) and immediately throw herself into maximum dogwarp overdrive, running around the yard as though she were being chased by Jesse Helms. This Red Alert usually lasts several minutes until all of her dilithium crystal fuel reserves are exhausted or she discovers a squirrel, at which point (and here is the truly female characteristic manifested at its fullest) ... she will sit down and cry. I could go on and on with many other weird examples of female ... (telepathically) "Brad, this is your wife. You are being scanned by my superior female sensors. Although I am not in the room and can't actually see you, I KNOW what you are up to and you had better stop RIGHT NOW!" Uh, as I was saying, men and women are not only different, women are better. Brad Seabourn is a graduate student in grain science and industry.  GeoCities Wellesley
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