What Men Want - a Dennis Miller Rant "I know the myth is that men want: Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Lesley Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin' combined with the voice of Sade, and to top it all off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because we don't want to feel too threatened. So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well, first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex". Trick me? How about asking me? And then I'll be able to tell you I don't have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?! All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes: Here's what men want from women. One through Ten: 1. We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes. All right! Yours or ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and a pair of church shoes. That's it! 2. Don't talk to us when the television is on. All right! Very simple.. television is off.. we talk. Television is on.. we don't talk. 3. When you're behind the wheel of a car and want to get aggressive.. that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when steroid lad comes over swinging a pair of nunchucks. 4. Would it kill you to watch Godfather with me for the 57th time? 5. Hey, I'm sorry that some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, "Hey I betcha' my accountant is boning me up the ass!" 6. You go see Nell by yourself. I met enough chicks like that at Helena's when I was single. 7. Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor a relationship lasts as long as William Burrows in the Boston Marathon. 8. Work out your job related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you a cup of lima bean consume, instead of a bowl of lima bean consume from Soup Plantation... I don't want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Ceder's Sinai. 9. Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry... you hate it when we cry. I've tried crying in front of my wife... she enjoyed it for about 30 seconds and started thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?" 10. Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testostorone enduced fog, and lead us into the light... Or if that's asking too much how's 'bout a big sloppy blowjob once in awhile! "Of course that's just my opinion..." |
