Lowmenclature
By Jim Rosenberg
Language is a powerful thing. Women have suffered "sexual harassment" for years, but without such a solemn and imposing name for it. In some small way, harnessing a commanding phrase to a cause gives it added power and importance. If you don't believe this is true, then listen to both sides of the abortion battle fight over what to call themselves. Recognizing this, I have coined authoritative phrases to describe male behavior which may fall short of sexual harassment, but still annoys the hell
out of women.
I am referring here to male conduct such as the congressman from Ohio who was recently caught on videotape remarking of a television producer, "she has the biggah breasts." Instantly, most people would think "what a jerk!" But "jerk" is just too common a word. We need something formal and accusatory with the heady aroma of a lawsuit about it. Men do so many stupid things that we ought to have special names for each act. Let's call this male bashing vocabulary "low-men-clature."
Following are a few suggested lowmenclature terms. I would propose that all of them be actionable by law.
Neanderful
Men haven't made much progress in the art of wooing over the last few hundred years,
as evidenced by the Tonya Harding affair. Basically, it's still "here, look what I've beaten and killed for you!" Women need a way to indicate appreciation and revulsion at the same time. Now, there's a word. "Og, that was really neanderful; now please drag the bloody carcass out of the foyer, wipe off your club, and be sure to write me from jail."
Manslobber
Some men just can't take no for an answer. The harmless majority of these Gomers are much like laboratory monkeys who keep pressing a button which administers a dose of potentially pleasurable, but eventually deadly poison. If refusing a date just doesn't get through to the bundle of glands that is yapping at your heels, women may now say "I'm sorry, Goofus, but I'm going to have to press manslobber charges."
Mammopia
This phrase would be used to chasten men who just can't seem to focus on anything but a woman's {dairy related} body parts. When this behavior is detected, women could say "Hey buddy, I'm up here! You need radial keratotomy for that severe case of mammopia."
Premature Articulation
This phrase would be used to assail the "Schwing Reflex," which causes men
to make vulgar comments about attractive women who pass within their field of view. An occasional "Hello, Betty!" is forgivable and physiological responses are not controllable (if they were, oh happy day!). Still, men ought to know better than to say things like "Here, chickie, chickie" or "Come to Papa!" The problem is: men speak before they think. The next time it happens, women may retort, "What's the matter Hercules, have you got a case of premature articulation?"
Haskellate
Named after the Sultan of Suck-Ups, Eddie Haskell from Leave it to Beaver, this phrase would be used to castigate men who heap meaningless flattery on women with all their motives ulterior. When the doo-doo gets deep, women could say "if these flurries haskellate any further, I'll be knee deep in it."
Blowhole
Men are much like whales. They lie around most of the time, then surface briefly to spout off. I pity women who must nod through a nice meal while her date sounds off about his {completely made-up} accomplishments. When this happens, she should say "Moby dear, why don't you submerge now and give your blowhole a little rest. You're getting the other diners a little wet."
The above is only a sample of a much larger body of lowmenclature. The field is only limited by the number of moronic and offensive things men do. The field is unlimited.
© Jim Rosenberg
[03/23/94]
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