After a couple of weeks, I started standing (no weight on the right hip though . . . stood on my left leg with my right arm helping). It was scary. I think we all take for granted the basics in life. Standing, being a basic, is harder than it seems! I discovered that I was afraid to stand. I even had a flashback to my jump. Once I realized what was holding me back from moving forward, I dealt with it. By the time I left Kessler, 8 weeks later, I could hop. Being at Kessler also helped me realize how lucky I was. There were people there that the doctors say will never walk again, yet they don't give up the hope that they will do just that. Some very special people are at Kessler and other Rehab facilities around the country. When I get better, I would like to volunteer at one.
One of the best things to happen while I was in NJ were my friends. My friends from NYC visited me regularly. I never expected that, but I appreciated it. Since my family was in Florida at the time, they became my family. One of the best times I had was getting a day pass from Kessler. I went with them into the City to a bar, the Park Avenue Country Club, to watch the Jayhawks play basketball. I had the best time! I learned that humor not only made me feel comfortable with my new disabilities and handicaps, it made others feel comfortable as well. With humor, people would see me the person and forget about the wheelchair I was in. That was a nice thing to learn. It was kind of hard to say goodbye to them when I left. They made me sign a 'contract' stating that if I don't visit them after I get better then I have to join the Kansas State Alumni Association (KU's rival) and wear purple for the rest of my life! =)What a trip!
In January, I came home. My parents had moved to Florida, and I moved in with them. It took them a little bit of time to get used to having someone in a wheelchair in the house. I had to adjust as well. A month after I got there I started Physical Therapy. I had been given the okay to walk on my hip and put weight on my arm. Immediately, my therapist started me walking again. I was walking with a walker. In fact, I was only on that walker for a month. Next came the crutches. After learning how to keep my balance (you don't realize it but crutches require a great deal of balance), I got the hang of them. Unfortunately, I was cut off from Physical Therapy by insurance (an HMO), preventing me from learning to walk without crutches. However, maybe the timing was good. I practiced walking with just one crutch on my own, but sometimes the pain from my hip became too much. I had developed severe arthritis in my right hip (it was injury-related degenerative hip disorder--not rheumatoid arthritis), and it progressed fairly quickly. The doc said that I would need a new hip sooner than originally expected--in 6 months at the very least. Although the pain got to be unbearable, I just kept rolling with it. My sister was to get married at the end of September and I wanted to be there for her so I was delaying my surgery.
Psychologically, I have gone through a lot of healing. I have had my 'bad' days where I cry because of all the physical challenges I face. But I have had a lot of good days. I found myself trying to live one day at a time, and amazingly that worked. Not pushing myself too much, expecting too much from myself, and laying back. I was placed on Zoloft (an anti-depressant), and it helped me tremendously. I didn't know until it kicked in that what I had felt before wasn't 'normal.' Now, I feel normal! The difference was in how I viewed my life. Before Zoloft, I saw my life like a third person. Like someone watching a video tape of my life instead of being a participant. Once the med kicked in, I became a participant. I'm also on Synthroid. My thyroid is hypoactive, and that can be a physiological cause to depression. In addition, I was seeing a therapist once a month, and tried to make it to group therapy once a week. Getting to group was (is) dependent on community transportation being available since I cannot drive. Everything was starting to work out, and I was feeling better than I have had ever before in my life. Not only that, I am looking toward the future. I'm not the same person I was in September 1996. I don't ever want to be that person again. Each day is a struggle, but it is a worthwhile struggle. I just hope that from my situation I can help others facing the same things someday......
Denise's Room of Inspiration | Previous | Coming Out of the Dark, part 2 | Next
