Entering the real world started off with a bang. I had no job (although I had been sending out resumes for months), and I was moving in with my folks--back to St. Louis. I wasn't there very long though. My mom's company transferred her to a new company in Philadelphia, and when they moved I went with them because I still hadn't found anything. Within a month I had a job. Now that I look back, I should have turned down the offer and waited for something better to come along, but I was very broke at the time. It was a Sales Leader position at Macy's Paramus. I lived 2 hours away from work, and didn't have the money to move into an apartment quickly. I soon discovered how expensive the Northeast is. With a salary of only $25K a year, rent for an apartment at $800 a month would be tight. In Georgia, rent for a one bedroom had only been $350. Even though commuting 2 hours to and from work with odd hours wasn't my first choice, it had to do. I also knew that I would be promoted quickly to Sales Manager. I was getting great feedback, and I knew I was good at my job.

As suspected, I was promoted quickly. Within 6 months, I got a promotion and a raise to $27K. As far as I was concerned, that wasn't a high enough salary increase since I was earning around $26.5K with overtime as a Sales Leader. I took it though. I wanted the promotion. In March, a month later, I moved into my own place. I had saved up approximately $2200 for the 1st months rent, deposit, and rental agt. fee. I got my apartment for $695 a month including parking in Hackensack, NJ. I even had a view of Manhattan (well, depending on the angle that is). It was a nice apartment, and it seemed like life was starting to get on track.

Not long after I moved in, I called the KU Alumni Association to find out if there was a local chapter in NYC. There was!! It was NCAA Basketball Tourney time, and I was hopeful that they would be getting together for the games. They were! I met all sorts of great people very quickly, like Andy, Bob, Jan, Lloyd, and Bryan...After that first game I found myself going into the City almost weekly. I love NYC! It is a fun place to be with tons to do. It is very difficult to get bored there. It was also nice knowing people in the area as well. I didn't realize it then, but I made some pretty terrific friends.

Around May, work began to get frantic. I was losing staff for a variety of reasons, and we were having a lot of 'visits' from company VIPs, like the CEO. This meant the department had to alway look like the picture of 'perfection.' I've always been an organized person, but once I started to lose the organization at work, I started losing control. Not only that, but work allowed little, if any, time for a social life. Being a social person, this situation was a major loss to me personally. I slipped into yet another depression (my 4th), and I didn't even recognize it. Everything was being maintained in my department to a certain degree until after my vacation in July. My vacation reminded me how I like to live life. Granted, life can't always be nice and easy, but I need an atmosphere where I can maintain some control, some sanity. By the end of July (almost a year with Macy's), all control was gone. I had a staff of 5 when I needed 20. My department was in a Back-To-School area, and we were busier than we could handle. I got a 'promotion' by gaining more volume in my department, overwhelming me more. I also got a raise, which came not long after I grumbled about how unhappy I was. The good parts of the job were no longer outweighing the bad parts. I was sending out my resume looking for a new position with a new company. I wanted out.

I don't know what happened or how I finally snapped. All I do know is that after I saw my family for one day over Labor Day weekend the thoughts started as I drove home, and I didn't brush them away. I was thinking suicide was the answer. When I got home I was already formulating a plan. I decided that I didn't want to do it in my apartment. I don't remember why I thought that, just that I did. I think part of the reason is that I feared my parents might be the ones to find my body. I decided to drive cross-country to Los Angeles where I would commit suicide once I got there. I wanted to see the other Coast. I had never been to a beach in L.A. before. I would have left that night, but I told myself I was thinking crazy, and to sleep on it. I did. The next morning it took me forever to get ready for work. I was supposed to close the store that night. I got dressed and after hemming and hawing, I headed for work. I was trying to convince myself not to go, not to commit suicide. What I saw when I got there was a PACKED parking lot. Which meant an extremely busy day at the store and in my department. Something I couldn't handle. I didn't even attempt to find a parking space. I turned around, went to my apartment, changed clothes, packed up, and hit the road for California.

Confessions of a Suicide | Onward & Upward | Facing the Real World | Coming Out of the Dark