Three years ago, I found myself in a difficult place emotionally. In order to find a little peace, I decided to go on a retreat to a monastary in Oka, Quebec (home of some of the best cheese in the world, btw) with the Newman Centre of McGill University. While there, I wrote down a number of my thoughts and my meditations to sort them out. When I returned, I intended to share of my thoughts on this site, laying down another stepping stone on the path that I walk as an on-going witness of my Christian faith. When I read through them again, though, I decided that it was all still too raw, too fresh in my mind to share with the world. So, I laid aside the journal entries for a later date.

Jan. 26, 2001
Jan. 27, 2001

Jan. 26, 2001

I sometimes wish that I could recapture my fervour, my utter rejoicing in God and the serenity of my first two years at McGill and the Newman Centre. I still remember that Christmas time when I thought about what I wanted for Christmas and could not think of a single thing. Mere words cannot descibe how wonderful a feeling that was. There's just this peace that comes with spiritual contentment -- with wholeness of self -- that is so hard to find.

Nowadays, the future with its crossroads and uncertainties stare me in the face. Family, friends, professors, even my own practical side pull me along one path; a path that is sensible and guarantees a comfortable lifestyle, a stable job and a useful contribution to society. Yet I don't feel right there. I know why I should follow the sensible path, but my heart points me to the other path that forms the crossroads: the one that could end in bankruptcy and depending on my parents, denying them their much deserved and desired retirement. It is something I've wanted so badly, but for which I would have to work harder than for anything else I've ever achieved (yes, even than my engineering degree). This time, too, I won't be able to rely on the assistance of friends as I could for my engineering degree. It's too competitive.

So which one should I follow? Why am I so drawn to the other path if seemingly insurmountable hardships follow? Is it because my talents and gifts truly lie that way and my duties to God lead in that direction? Or is it the corrupting lure of fame, of being in the spotlight? The sensible path which all but a handful of my friends are pointing towards, is it my actual true path, the one along which my duties to God can be fulfilled? And if I want the other path so badly, why am I so hesitant to walk it, even against the desires of everyone else? After all, if I wanted it that badly, surely there isn't a choice to consider? Or is it again just another corrupting lure, that of pride one feels when one says, "I'm an engineer" and seeing the automatic respect that dawns in other people's eyes? Or the more simple lure of financial stability? I believe that I have the abilities and talents to do either one well, which makes it so hard to know which way my path lies.

I know I've done a poor job of listening in the past. And I know that it is one of the weakest points of my character, of my faith. Or maybe I just overinterpret every sign I recieve to a point where the message turns murky and hard to see. All I know is that I am sitting here, 5 years older than the last time I faced these crossroads, and still no farther along in knowing which path to take, and without the grace and serenity that I had found then. I remember with a slight twinge that I could feel God with me everywhere I went back then. "God walks behind me as my guardian, in front of me as my guide and beside me as my friend," I wrote in my journal. Now, there are days when I look at the difficulties in front of me, and can't feel the presence of God at all.

Admittedly, I've grown and improved as a person in those five years. My tempers are less frequent, I am more calm and laissez faire about issues, more mature, less defeatist, better at problem solving. But I seem to have lost God somewhere along the way. My view became much more cynical; I couldn't hear Him anymore. My heart was not open to receiving His word. My all wasn't "in" with it anymore. Maybe it had to do with the complacency of having a boyfriend. Maybe I let my boyfriend replace God in my heart. Or maybe I just stopped trying because it was too hard. Maybe it was a combination of all three.

And so, slowly, the emptiness in my heart returned and made itself more and more apparent, finally coming to a head in November. And so, here I am on retreat, looking for a way to jumpstart my heart again and to listen to and walk in closer relationship with God.

I need to connect, I guess is what I'm trying to say. I need to realize that God is the strength I need to depend on. Time and time again, I force myself to deal on my own, thinking that I'm strong enough to face every obstacle on my path alone. Time and time again, I fail or I am overrun. I need God in my life to help fill the emptiness inside me which has consumed me and decimated my will. I need God to guide me along that path that is most congruous to the Plan that He has set for me when He put me here... assuming He had one.

And for that, I have to do my part: I need to listen to Him, open the doors to my mind and my heart and let Him in again. Whatever I do, I must dedicate to Him. Touch with His hands, see with His eyes, speak with His words and love with His heart. Now matter what I accomplish, it must be with God in mind. For without God, I would never have accomplished anything. My life has to be one long evangelical witness to God.

And I need to let go: let go of my of anxieties and my need to please others and not disappoint them. I need to let go of my laziness, my never-ending pride, my vanity. But above all, as I stated before, I need to listen, listen, listen. Stop thinking so goddamn much and just listen to what God has to say to me.

Jesus, give me the courage and the drive to face you, to look into your eyes and not waver. Please let me have the courage and the humility to ask your assistance to guide me. Let me be with you all the days of my life, Lord.

Help me to hear you and know what is it you like about me, and why you've chosen me to be here at this time and in this place. Love me, dear Lord, and grant me again the serenity I lost through pride and negligence. I promise to look after it better this time.

Amen

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