Oka Retreat

Two-Day Oka Retreat
Jan. 26-27, 2001

Day 2

Jan. 26, 2001
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Jan. 27, 2001

Jan. 27, 2001

Anyone who has ever experienced such ectasy and overflow of emotion in their heart as I have -- such a feeling born of spiritual fulfillment from something as simple as staring at a snow-covered field or a star-filled sky, such a sense of perfection in the world from the simple act of watching a spider spin its web, such an overwhelming sense of love and completeness that it spills tears from your eyes and makes your head reel from the sheer dizzying aspect of it from simply touching another person's hand -- anyone who has experienced these things and more, cannot with any conviction, deny the existence of God.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son so that everyone who believes in Him may have eternal life.
Indeed, God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him."
- John 3:16-17 -

After our fall, God shut the gates of heaven. Then, through Jesus, He gave us the key to open it. Therefore, to my mind, it doesn't matter whether you believe that Jesus is the Son of God. Whether you believe or not, Jesus - through his sacrifice on the cross - has opened the gates of heaven and reunited us with God's love and mercy. It has already been done; the gates are open. It is merely up to us whether we choose to walk through those gates or not.

God has done what He can for us. We have His word delivered to us by prophets, saints, people like Mahatma Ghandi and Mother Teresa. He speaks to us everyday if we only choose to listen. How can we possibly ask Him to do more for us when He is already doing everything?

Now He has given us a choice to turn towards or away from Him. The door is open. We merely have one step to take to or away from Him. So, do not give up on God. He has never given up on you.

I love this story that Father Thibideaux told in his sermon today:
A man stood on a hillside looking up at a large oak tree. "Oh Lord, how can this make any sense?" he asked. "Here you create such a large tree to produce such tiny acorns. How can this be efficient?"
He then turned to the valley over which the hill looked to the fields which were beginning to bear fruit.
"And down there, God, on such tiny little vines, you produce such large pumpkins. Why do you waste so much energy on small things and over-strain small plants with such large fruit? This makes no sense at all!"
Just then, an acorn fell from the oak tree and hit the man squarely on the head.
The man rubbed his head and thought, "Thank God that wasn't a pumpkin!"

I approach you, Jesus, in the dark so as not to draw attention to myself. I do not want people to see me with you; I do not want people to hear what I want to ask you. I do not want people to think, "How dare she occupy the Lord's time with such trivial requests! Oh, look how weak she is to run to the Lord for such things!"

Help me to let go of my fear, Lord, not only of what other people think but also of what I want. I ask the same question always, but never listen to the response you give because I am afraid of what it might be. Give me the courage to face my path, whatever it may be, with determination and strength, with less regard of what people will think of me. Let me see you at my side as support on that path, and never let me stray!

Above all, give me peace, Lord. Peace so that I can hear you no matter where I am. You speak so softly that it's hard to hear you above all the noise and calamity of everyday living. Please meet with me in my upper room. I will be there, waiting for you.

For all of my life, Jesus has been seeking me. God wants to have a closer relationship with me always. I have sometimes (read "often") neglected Him and forgotten He was there. Yet there He was always, seeking my love and offering such awesome love in return.

How do I react when He comes to me? What do I do or say when He tells me that He loves me and wants my love in return, and asks me to fulfill His plan for me, whatever that may be at the time? He comes to me in the guise of a weakness, of a weak person, someone in need. How do I respond?

My relationship with the Lord - what I have learned about Him and what I understand about Him - is unique. I wish I could explain this relationship, this understanding, to others in a way that would not be construed as sacriligious or heresy. Everything I have learned, I have learned through self-examination, revelation through meditation and a little bit of reading.

I never took catechism except very briefly when I was confirmed and my first and only two years of Catholic School. I don't know whether this is detrimental to my faith, but I don't believe that I am any less of a Catholic because of it. I feel that God has revealed to me different aspects of Himself as He has seen fit, and as I have been receptive to Him. As such, I believe that my beliefs and ideas about God, though seemingly at odds with those of the Catholic church in some ways, are no less valid and make me no less religious than anyone who learned everything by the accepted and traditional methods.

On all fundamental points I agree with the Church; it is merely in the details that things get sticky. As a result, I don't often talk to other Catholics about my faith and my beliefs. I can't express them well enough with my tongue, for one. For another, arguments over whether the wafer in the Eucharist actually becomes the body of Christ or merely represents it (for instance) seem too trivial compared to the other things troubling our world today.

All in all, I believe that God has revealed Himself to me, and I firmly believe that I am not entirely wrong in what I think. I am only human, and my faith is still developing, so my knowledge is not perfect (obviously), but I do not believe that I am any less right than any other devout Catholic out there.

Heal me, oh Lord, and help to let go of my sins, my fear, my anxiety. Let me do what You wish me to do.

Thank you so much for allowing me to find peace on this retreat, for calling me here to listen to You and face You with my doubts, fears and imperfections. Thank you for allowing me to renew my relationship with You and for drawing me near.

Help me to retain this peace I have found here and to listen for Your voice everywhere. Let me be reborn in spirit and water, starting today; let me be as a child in Your presence. Help me to grow in You always, to live in You and through You.

Thank you for freeing up my pen again. I pray that it will always remain loosed in Your service, in praise, glory, honour and love.

Help me to be a stepping stone and not a block in other people's paths to You. Grant me the ability to tell others about You more clearly and in Light. Let me always spread Your Word, if not through my own words, then through my actions.

Whatever You speak, Lord, I will listen. I pray that I do not analyze to the point of losing the message. Let me hear You, Oh Lord, everyday of my life; let me love You as you love me. Above all, let me love others as You love us. To eternity,

Amen.

Mar. 24, 2004

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