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Cohabitation: A Road To Divorce?
In America today, the amount of
couples choosing to live together before marriage has increased 700%
since the 1970s. Today, cohabitation is the thing. But is it the best
thing? If you're young and married, you might be under a lot of pressure
to try living together first. It's an approach that seems to make a lot
of sense - it's supposed to be like a trial marriage. But keep reading,
the reality doesn't work out the way you think it should.
Break away from your previously held stereotypes for a minute - these
are all recent studies that you yourself can look up. I believe there's
truth to the saving yourself for marriage idea. Look at this and maybe
you'll understand what I mean. In any event, no matter what came before,
you always have the chance to start fresh. More about that later.
Consider the following excerpts from
various studies:
- Cohabiting
partners "experience significantly more difficulties in
subsequent marriages and with issues of adultery, alcohol, drugs,
and independence than couples who had not cohabited." Marriages
preceded by cohabitation are 50 to 100 percent more likely to break
up than those not preceded by cohabitation.
(William Axinn and Arland Thornton, "The Relationship
Between Cohabitation and Divorce: Selectivity or Casual
Influence?" Demography, Vol. 29, 1992, page 358.)
- Of all
sexually active people, married couples report being the most
physically pleased and emotionally satisfied. (Robert T.
Michael, John H. Gagnon, and Edward O. Lauman, Sex in America: A
Definitive Survey, Boston: Little, Brown & Co., 1994, page 124.)
- Cohabiting
couples have less healthy relationships than married couples.
(Jan E. Stets, "The Link Between Past and Present
Intimate Relationships," Journal of Family Issues, 114, 1993,
page 251).
- Males beating
female partners are "at least twice as common among cohabitors
as it is among married partners." (Jan
E. Stets, "Cohabiting and Marital Aggression: The Role of
Social Isolation," Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol. 53,
1991, pages 669-670)
- The number of
cases of major depression per 100 people per year: Married and Never
Divorced--1.5; Never Married--2.4; Divorced Once--4.1;
Cohabiting--5.1; Divorced twice--5.8. (Lee Robins and David
Regier, Psychiatric Disorders in America: The Epidemiologic
Catchment Area Study, New York: Free Press, 1991, page 72.)
- A study published in the American
Sociological Review found that for couples that cohabit with their
future spouses, they explain: "Overall
association exists between premarital cohabitation and subsequent
marital instability. The dissolution rates of women who cohabit
premaritally with their future spouse are, on average, nearly 80
percent higher than the rates of those who do not."
Neil G. Bennett, Ann Blanc Klimas and David E. Bloom, Commitment and
the Modern Union: Assessing the Link Between Premarital Cohabitation
and Subsequent Marital Stability, American Sociological Review,
1988, p.132.
- The University of California, Los
Angeles, published research in The Journal of Personality
Assessment, that looked at "problem areas" for married
couples who did and did not cohabit prior to marriage. The
study found the top three problems that distinguished pre-marital
cohabitants from non-premarital cohabitants were drunkenness,
adultery and drug-abuse (in that order).
Michael D. Newcomb and P.M. Bentler, Assessment of Personality and
Demographic Aspects of Cohabitation and Marital Success, Journal of
Personality Assessment, 1980, p.16
- Brown University and the University
of Michigan studying the nest-leaving process found that "only
those leaving in conjunction with marriage were truly unlikely to
return" to their parents' home. However, "cohabitors
were very likely to return home for an extended stay," ibid.
The study found 20 percent of cohabitants returned home and only 2
percent of marrieds returned. Goldscheider, et al. conclude that
"it is difficult to argue that cohabitors resemble married
people," ibid., p. 695.
Frances Goldsheider, Arland Thornton, and Linda Young-DeMarco, A
Portrait of the Nest-Leaving Process in Early Adulthood, Demography,
1993, p. 694.
This is only the tip of the ice burg.
It's not just religious people who say marriage is better, the actual
facts speak for themselves. In truth, most women who live with a man
before marriage really believe they will marry him. It is supposed to be
a kind of "trial marriage". It seems like a good idea at first
but it doesn't really work out that way.
Only one couple in five who lives
together before marriage actually ends up getting married. Evidence
shows that, instead of taking relationship roles similar to marriage,
couples just living together do not communicate or work through problems
as well. This is generally because there is a lack of total commitment
and they are not as comfortable expressing dislikes or problems for fear
the relationship will disintegrate. The stress either becomes too much
and they separate or they go ahead and get married.
Those that get married have already
established bad communication. I mean really, how else is
"Bob" supposed to feel when "Jane" finally starts
complaining about his tendency to fall asleep reading when she put up
with it for several years before? Misunderstanding and resentment are
predictable.
When you compare this partial listing
of problems to few general benefits of marriage you will find a big
difference.
- Married people
live longer and generally are more emotionally and physically
healthy than their unmarried counterparts. Goldscheider,
Thornton, Young and DeMarco, Brown University and University of
Michigan, “A Portrait of the Nest-Leaving Process in Early
Adulthood”, Demography 1993.
- Married people
articulate increased satisfaction and happiness in the workplace. Loscocco
and Spitze, “Working Conditions, Social Support, and the
Well-Being of Female and Male Factory Workers,” Journal of Health
and Social Behavior 1990.
- Married people
articulate decreased feelings of loneliness and boredom.
Page and Cole, “Demographic Predictors of Self Reported Loneliness
in Adults,” Psychological Reports, 1991.
- Marriage
increases the demonstration of character traits necessary for
successful living such as sacrifice, humility, flexibility, empathy
and ability to delay gratification. Cunningham and Antill,
“Cohabitation and Marriage: Retrospective and Predictive
Comparisons,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 1994.
- Married people
have the best and the most sex. ”Sex
in America” University of Chicago Study, Time, Oct. 17, 1994.
This is certainly worth thinking about.
The bottom line is that if you don't want to commit to marrying the guy
then don't commit to live with him and you'll both be better off! |