Only someone who has lost their first child could possibly fathom the combination of joy and
overwhelming fear I felt that September day in 1983 as I sat in my doctor's office waiting for Rose, the elderly, blue-haired nurse, to return with my test results. I had missed my period and I had been deathly ill every morning all month. Two very good indications of what my problem could be. However, after losing my son, Kyle, the previous year I was afraid to hope; afraid to believe. I sat staring at the tiled floor counting the number of squares in a row. It had seemed like hours since Rose had left with my urine sample.
She had welcomed me that morning with "What seems to be the problem today, Karen?" I smiled at her weakly; my stomach still churning from my attempt at breakfast. I had whispered my response that I was either dying or I could be pregnant. She had me go to the restroom and get her a urine sample and then told me to have a seat.
So that brought me to that moment in my life; the clock on the wall seemed to tick with the
intensity of a tribal drum.
My stomach was so queasy I didn't think I could sit there much longer. I wanted a child so
desperately. I had never remembered a time that I did not want to be a Mommy. When I had finally became pregnant in early 1982 I was thrilled. I was finally going to hold my own child in my arms! On
August 26, 1982 my son was born an angel; gone before he ever breathed his first breath. I thought my heart would break. I had to force myself to even function as a human being after losing him. I truly did not see why I had to go on. I had had my shot at motherhood and it was gone. I was now almost 32 years old. And now I was sitting here all alone waiting to hear what deadly disease had to be ravishing my body.
The door clicked open. I jumped at the sound and looked up into Rose's kind eyes. A broad smile was on her face as she spoke the words that I wanted so badly to hear but didn't dare to hope for. "Karen," she laughed, "You aren't dying! Looks like you got company in there." She handed me a pink slip of paper with a lot of words on it, although the only one my eyes could see was positive. I was pregnant again!
I walked to the scheduling desk in a haze to set up my first prenatal visit. I could not believe I was going to have a baby. I was still absorbing that shock when I suddenly thought of my husband, Ron. He was going to be furious! He had not wanted Kyle; had pressured me to abort him. He had shown little emotion except anger throughout that pregnancy and when our son was stillborn he did not come to the funeral home or attend the graveside service for him. He refused to acknowledge that he even really
existed. And now I was again carrying his child. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this would not be good news to him.
The drive home was a short one thankfully. I don't remember even leaving the doctor's office. The next thing I knew, I was in our driveway. I sat there for what seems like hours. My hand resting on my stomach, I whispered to this miracle inside of me, "Be strong for Mommy. I have waited my whole life for you. I promise to love you forever and I will always be there for you. Just be strong. Together we will face any thing." In that moment, I knew that this child would survive. I knew that this baby would come home with me from the hospital. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that this was the little brown haired and brown eyed daughter I had always wanted.
I like to believe that Kyle had a hand in her arrival. I think he knew how badly I had hurt over losing him so he had hand-picked her from those babies that were earthbound; his gift of love; the daughter of my dreams.
Ron took the news exactly as I had expected. He pleaded with me to get an abortion; saying he
wasn't working; it had only been a year since I had had Kyle; we had plenty of time. I sat staring at him, only half hearing. When he was done I simply said one word. "No," I told him. I don't know if it was my tone, the look on my face, what it was. The subject never came up again. This baby was on her way; nothing or nobody would stop that!
And so my wait began. My morning sickness finally let up. This was a good thing! I had started a
new job the month I got pregnant and I knew I needed to work as long as I could since Ron and his continuing battle with alcoholism prevented him from holding a job or even wanting a job. My boss was a kind man named John. He took a special interest in me. He would make sure I had a healthy lunch each day and he offered me all the support I never got from Ron. I think he would have even gone to the doctor's with me if I had of asked him. Ron's interest stayed the same, nil. He never went to the doctor with me. He never went with me for the weekly ?high risk? checkups I went to at the local hospital. He never saw an ultrasound; never listened to the heartbeat that I would live my whole week waiting to hear! And in early March, when the doctor said he was detecting some problems and ordered me to complete bedrest for the remaining two months of my pregnancy, Ron insisted that I call my Mom in Ohio to come to Tennessee to take care of me.
On April 1, 1984, Mom came to Tennessee. She was shocked to see me after last seeing me the
week of Kyle's funeral in 1982. I was thinner than she had seen me since high school and showed no outward signs of becoming a mom again in just a couple months.
Her first words were, "I love you Karen; I've missed you; are you sure you're pregnant?? I had to laugh. Oh I was quite sure there was a baby in there I told her. A stubborn little soul that
would never cooperate with the technicians at the hospital that did their weekly checks.
More than once I had seen the concerned look on a technician's face as she tried to find her
heartbeat or detect movement. I would assure them that things were fine.
The one technician that worked with me every week was a woman named Pat. She shared so much with me those months. Pat became my friend and was always such a source of encouragement to me. The only thing she would add was that she was sorry to disappoint me but she was sure this had to be a baby boy; it was so stubborn, with a mind of its own.
I remember one day in particular when Pat had spent close to half an hour poking my
stomach; gently shaking it, anything to get a response and there was none. I could see the fear beginning to surface on her face. I told her I knew that the baby was ok; not to look so worried. She smiled at me and told me she thought maybe we ought to go do an ultrasound and see what things looked like. I watched her face as she scanned the screen and then breathed a sigh of relieve when I saw her eyes light up. "The little shit," she whispered, as she turned the screen towards me. There as plain as the nose on my face was my baby; one hand moving almost in a small waving motion and the other planted firmly in her mouth. She was sucking her thumb and waving at us!! Pat and I laughed until we were both crying. "It's a boy, Karen, it has to be," she laughed. I shook my head at her. "No, that is my stubborn daughter," I assured her.
On April 21st I fell. I landed stomach first and jarred myself to the very core. Mom and Ron
rushed me to the doctor who in turn sent me to the hospital. The tests showed the heartbeat was still fine and the baby's position looked the same as it had been at my last visit. So I was sent home and told
everything was fine. On Wednesday, the 25th, I went for my regular hospital visit. Pat ran the stress tests and I saw the look on her face. I knew she wasn't allowed to tell me what she saw. As she went to
leave the room I grabbed her arm. "Pat," I whispered. She smiled weakly. "He's in some trouble, Karen," she whispered back.
In a couple minutes the doctor came in the room and repeated the test that Pat had done. Pat stood next to the bed with her hand on my arm.
After he finished the test the doctor turned to me and said, ?Feel like giving us a baby tomorrow??
?What?s wrong?? I didn?t recognize the voice as my own.
The doctor replied, ?Looks like the baby is in a small amount of distress. Nothing too bad but with your history I would rather be safe. So I am going to admit you now and we will induce labor at 6:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.?
And so I was admitted and spent the longest night of my life laying in the hospital bed with my
hand on my stomach pleading with my child. ?Just stay strong until tomorrow, Baby,? I begged. ?This time tomorrow night I will be holding you in my arms and from then on out I?ll be strong for you. But until then, you have to be strong.?
The next morning a little before 6:00 a.m., Pat stuck her head in my room. ?Are we ready to have this baby?? she grinned at me.
?What are you doing here?? I asked her. I knew it was not her time to be at work.
?What? Me miss this? No way! I asked for special duty to be your personal nurse today,? she smiled at me as she grabbed my hand. ?Don?t be scared, Karen. This baby will be fine.?
Tears burned as my eyes as I thanked her for being there for me. Ron had already informed me he
wasn?t wasting a good fishing day at the hospital and that he'd be there later in the day.
By 7:00 a.m. I was in a labor room hooked to IVs and ready to start the labor procedure. Pat was
on a stool watching the monitors and occasionally squeezing my hand assuring me that I was fine. The first contraction hit me. It was strong and in my back, not in my stomach. I looked at Pat and saw the alarm register on her face. The second contraction hit and Pat jumped up from the stool. Telling me she?d be right back, she ran from the room. Within seconds she reappeared with the doctor with her. He looked down at the read out and told Pat to stop the drip for induction of labor.
?Karen, where?s your husband? Is he in the waiting room?? he asked, and turning to Pat said, ?Get a cross match and get it going now.?
Embarassed I had to admit he was fishing and asked what was going on; why were they stopping
the labor.
?Karen there seems to be a real problem this morning. You will be going into surgery as soon as we can get a room ready and you crosstyped and ready. Every contraction you have the baby?s heartbeat is faltering. The last contraction it went from 180 beats per minute to 20. It?s time for us to go get us a live baby.? He turned and left the room. I was alone and petrified.
The Today Show was on. I heard the announcer say it was Thursday morning, the 26th of the
month. It was something that sounded all too familiar and it made my blood run cold. Kyle had been born on Thursday the 26th of the month. His month was August; this was April; the two ?A? months.
Hot tears were streaming down my cheeks now.
Pat raced back to my bedside. She was already in surgical dress. ?Karen,? she started. ?You know I am not allowed to tell you anything. It could cost me my job. But I promise when you wake up I will let you know if the baby is ok. They have called in some neonatal specialists to assist. If there is a problem, they will have taken the baby, before you wake up from the anesthesia, over to Children?s Hospital. Just listen for my voice. I will let you know.? And with a smile she was back out the door.
The attendents appeared then and began to wheel me to surgery. My Mom was leaning against the
wall. Her face was ashen. ?Mom, you?re about to get that granddaughter you?ve always wanted. Please don?t worry,? I told her. She leaned over and kissed me, squeezing my hand so tightly that I thought she was breaking my fingers!
Right at the entrance of surgery I heard a yell. ?Wait!? It was Ron. Still in his fishing clothes he ran to the edge of the gurney. He looked down at me and shook his head. ?If you had listened to me, you would not be going through this now!? he muttered, as they rolled me into the OR.
I had never seen so many people standing around as when I entered that room. I found out later it
was specialists they had called in, expecting complications. The teams worked quickly and in a matter of minutes I was told I was going to be going to sleep. The last thing I heard was the doctor saying, ?OK,
let?s get that baby outta there fast!?
The next thing I remember was hearing my name being called. ?Karen, open your eyes, you have
a beautiful baby girl. Karen, open your eyes.? My eyes flew open and I was wide awake. Pat told me later that most people don?t remember much of the first 12 to 18 hours after that type of anesthesia, and she was amazed that I woke up fully lucid.
?Pat? Pat?? I called out. I couldn?t see her. But I heard her voice, like that of an angel?s.
?She?s in the nursery Karen, she?s in the nursery! She?s a little one, but she?s in the nursery.? I could hear the joy and relief in her voice.
?Does she have hair?? I whispered. I heard Pat laugh. I had had the worst heartburn for my entire pregnancy, which everyone told me meant my baby would have hair. I heard one of the other nurses ask, ?Did the Hendricks baby have hair?? and heard the answer come back, ?Yeah, a whole head full!?
They began to clean me up from the surgery and I called for Pat. ?Pat, what does she look like??
?She?s beautiful, Karen. Absolutely beautiful. And can you believe it; a girl, that stubborn and a girl!? She smiled and whispered, ?Want me to go get her?? I nodded and she left.
Mom and Ron came into the recovery area. Mom was beaming. Pat had stopped by the waiting room and shown the baby to them as she was taking her to the nursery. Ron looked almost as if he was in shock. He was unusually quiet. I was to find out later that his first response to seeing our gorgeous daughter was ?that is not my baby!? My mother said she nearly died of embarassment. In the years since then it has become the standing joke that he said that because he could not imagine something so perfect coming from him!
And then Pat was at my side again, holding the tiniest baby I had ever seen. She laid her acrossmy chest and said, ?Here you go Mom, been waiting for this??
I touched that tiny face with my fingertip. ?Only for my whole life,? I whispered. She had a tiny discoloration above her lip. ?Pat, what?s wrong with her mouth?? I asked.
?Angel Kisses, Karen. Angel Kisses. She has some on her back and one on her chest, too. It is where the angels kissed her ?Goodbye? for her to come to you,? Pat explained. Oh, I heard from the doctor after that that she had several small pigmentation splotches. But they have always been angel kisses to me; the one on her mouth from her brother!
I found out later that I came very close to losing Gina, also. Her cord was wrapped tightly around her neck not once but twice. If she had of moved into the birth canal she would have strangled. Her cord was filled with fibroid tumors just as Kyle?s had been. If she had not gone into distress she would have most likely been stillborn like her brother. It was truly a miracle in so many ways that she made it into my life.
And they all lived happily ever after is how it is suppose to go from here. But this is real life and that is not how it always goes. Gina was small. Five pounds and two ounces, nineteen inches long. A breathtaking baby to look at. Of course, as her mom, I would think that, but I heard it from so many people when she was a baby that I knew it was true. But, can we say colic? I thought I would lose my mind when she would cry for hours at a time. Finally we found she was allergic to milk. Which is obviously why a bottle never calmed her down; only worsened things.
She grew quickly and was the most amazing child I had ever seen. At twenty one months, she could
say her complete ABCs. What a talker she was and still is! She constantly amazed people with her extreme intellegence and lovable personality.
By the time Gina was three years old, my entire life had changed. My best friend from college
died; my mother died; and I got divorced and had a major health problem of my own, that left permanent changes in my life.
But my life has had one constant. It is the joy and fulfillment that Gina has brought into my life. She is my heart; she is my life. She is twenty-five now. She is intelligent and loving. She is compassionate and giving. She loves animals and children, and has a natural talent with both. I feel so
honored to be partially responsible for the world being blessed by this extraordinary young woman. I believe she is here for a reason; her birth was no accident.