Words on a screen
Flickering, forming as I write
Abstract
Small
Austere

The sounds of my typing
Echoing in the still room
Conveying messages
And regardless of the words
The process is
Abstract
Small
Austere

The symbols on the screen
Are ordinary.
Everyday.
Mundane.
Unfantastic.

The alphabet
Learned as a child
Simple words
Simple sentences
Punctuation
Dots and Blips.

But then?

You respond.
And your words
Radiate.
Reach out
Warm me

Your sentiments
Fill me
Fill the blanks
Answer mine
Meet me

Your words
Grow wings
Take flight
Leave the screen
Melt into me
Envelope me
Enter me.

And now the words are
Transcendental
Bigger than Life Itself
Soft and comforting
Coming to life
Becoming as animated as the mind which conveys them.

From the screen?
Into my heart?
Permeating my soul.

Betrayal

You had my submission because i freely gave it.
You had the right and the Power to Master me.
i consented to Your Dominance over me.
i was collared...and i was free.

Free to love as completely as one can love Another.
Free to trust and confide in You...
Your obligation to me would be fulfilled...You would Master me...You would protect me...
You would honor me as i honor You.

The myths about Dominance/submission...trying to explain to those not in the know...
Gently explaining my soul...and my spirit...
my spirit was not broken..my spirit was not Dominated.
my spirit was freed - unleashed to be who she had always needed to be...
released to soar the skies of ecstasy with Master's Love as her wings...
Holding her aloft, firmly, and tenderly...
Unafraid to unveil her true self as she knew He harbored her in His heart...
Safe.

All You did...i asked for.
All i asked for...i desired.
All i desired...You gave me.
All You gave me...i cherished.
All i cherished...
was knowing i belonged to You...
Knowing i belonged to You...i was free...
free to trust...free to love...free to be.

On one dark day?

That freedom was withdrawn...
Your commitment retracted...
my submission returned to me...used...abused...tainted...
my trust betrayed...

The soul within plummeting?
that free spirit crashing, hitting ground so hard she plunged beneath...
gasping for the breath that had been knocked away...
fighting for the light...clawing to the surface...

Shattered...disillusioned...worlds colliding...
my vision darkened...the storm swept in...
unannounced...unexpected...unfathomable...

Bewilderment...the questions...
Shock sets in, and i am numb...
i stand in the biting wind with no jacket...i need to feel pain...
i need to know i am still alive...
i need to understand...there is no comprehension...
The surrealism is dizzying...
The disbelief keen...the agony overpowering...
Emotion is physical.
Sensations are mental torture.

i gave You my submission...i trusted You with my heart.
i did not give You license to trample it...
i did not give You permission to debase me
i did not submit to become Your object of humiliation...
When i submitted it was consensual...it was sweet...it was tender...

When You uncollared me it was brutal...curt, necessary, dismissed.

Dismissed...with the wave of a Hand...and the snarl of a lip...
i am shunned.
i am replaced.
i am forgotten.
i am disposed of...
Rejected.

i once desired pain You would mete out...
i once desired the sweet torture You'd inflict...
in the name of Power...Dominance...and Love...

i never desired the suffering You inflicted with Your betrayal.
i never desired the burning ice of Your rejection.
This pain is not sweet.
This pain is not what a submissive contracts to experience.

You never had the right to rape my emotions...to batter my spirit...
to invalidate my love...
To negate my very existence...

i whisper in pain because i don't trust my voice...
i shut my eyes to the light because i fear incessant tears...
i try to hold my head high...but the heaviness forces my chin to my chest...

Curled up...protecting my fragile heart...sleep comes fitfully when finally blessed with its bliss of oblivion...
i will awaken to a new day...and the sunshine on my face...
Hit with still unanswered questions...destined to become the questions of the Ages...
And slowly the answers will no longer matter...
For under my pillow, there is a gift.
The gift of my submission.
It is a little worn and severely bruised.
But it will heal.
And it is once again mine.
And in time...its restoration will benefit Another.

i gave it to You...or so i thought.
i realize now that You took it.
You stole it.
You used it.
You misused it.
You didn't deserve it.
You don't own it.
You don't own me.
You don't deserve me.

my eyes will look straight...and forward.
my head held high.
Chin raised.
the smile will return.
and i will reign triumphant.
The Power is mine.

Static

Static?
The state of being
The state of being stagnant
The state of staying still
The state of showing little change

Static?
Characterized as showing little movement, little animation or progression
Producing an effect of repose or quiescence

Static?
The fuzzy dots on a dead TV screen
The white noise of a dead radio station
The unclear signals from far away, too far to reach
The frustrating lack of clear reception.

Static?
The electrical cling caused by some scientific phenomenon
The electrical cling caused by some emotional confusion
Heated opposition or criticism

Static?
Is this something I radiate?
Do I continue to remain static even as I change?
My feelings don't change.
My feelings don't matter.
What goes around comes around.

Static line:
Defined as a cord attached to a parachute pack and to an airplane to open the parachute after a jumper clears the plane
Am I a static line? Am I attached to the plane? Is my dual nature one, which holds on and yet lets go?
Do I need a static line? Do I need to remain attached even as I jump free?
Do I need to jump free?
As the challenge to find ME in poetry
Becomes the challenge to find ME in reality
I find the questions greater than the answers.
I find the fear greater than the courage.
I find the need greater than the fulfillment.
I find the quest greater than the resolution.

And yet I find the energy to seek.
I find the wherewithal to question.
I find the determination to search.
I find the decisiveness to act.
I find the goal to achieve.
I find the strength to withstand.
I find the ability to accept.

I find a Survivor.

I find Me.

The Journey

Shy smiles...coy flirting...the dance has begun.
Names are divulged.
Information is exchanged...personal, intimate, revealing.
Nervousness is alleviated...even as new tension begins...
Smiles are abundant...confidence grows...and the possibilities seem endless.

Truths are disclosed...promises hover...
Honesty is pledged...honor ensured...
Communication has begun.

Encountering sheer delight...
The descriptions...
The word pictures
The breath-catching, heart-pounding, knee-weakening flights of fancy
On wings of newfound bonds of Ffriendship...newly forged companionship...newborn Love...
The Hope
The Longing
The Hunger
Need transforms Ttwo
Into Oone...
And the Journey has begun...

The relationship strengthens...
Shared desires and cravings are uncovered...
Oone craves what the Oother yearns for...there is symbiosis...
Reciprocity occurs...mutual satisfaction enjoyed.
A Connection has been formed...

Excitement...
Delirium...
Allurement...
Stimulation...
Seduction...
Passion abounds
Inhibitions begin to fall away...
A voice on the telephone...
Becomes a Lover in the night...
With promise for bodily realization...
Someday.

Teachings...
Learning...
Lessons and consequences...
she desires His firm hand..
He craves her pliability...
His ever consuming need for Control...Power...
her deeply-rooted lust to serve...
Dominance...submission
Master.
sub.

The collar...His symbol to her that she belongs to Him
And Him alone
To show the world
With a flash of silver
That He empowers her will, claims her desire, commands her obedience, protects her heart...
Encircles her life...
Just as the metal embraces her throat.

She wears it proudly?touches it constantly...caresses Him as she strokes His representation...
Feels Him nearby every minute of the day and night...
Awareness of Him...
His presence...
His Assertion...
...collared...

Directions...
Orders...
Rules to be followed...
Or correction to be administered...
she hungers for it...
He metes it out...
she learns...
He teaches...
He commands...
she obeys...
They grow.

His needs...
His demands...
Outweigh her ability to please...
Circumstances interfere...
Winds begin to shift...
Tthey try to stand strong against the tide...
Forces prevail...
Reality strikes...like a tornado in the night...

Tthey discuss...
Decisions are made...
In one fell swoop?
A shift occurs...
Change...transformation...metamorphosis...
And the connection crumples...

Turmoil...
Darkness...
Despair...
Hurting...
Aching...deep physical pangs...
Disbelief consumes her...
Tears are incessant...sobs wrack her...
Even as Tthey talk...He is different...foreign...His distance bewilders her...

Shadows shroud her days...
Fog mists her nights...
He releases her from His collar?
The brutality of the act...creating throes of agony?
Cuts through her very core...
Rips her to ribbons...
Catapults her through the blackness of a silent scream...
Even as He exposed His own pain...
It augments hers...

Arm's length...
Formality of language...
Reserved mannerisms...
Detached...
Indifferent...
she feels His contempt...
When all she longs for is His approval...His tenderness...His Love...

Adjustment...
Withdrawal into self...
Seeking the woman within...
The one who can recover her Self...
The one who needs to re-emerge...
And yet...
Distress...
she trembles...she gasps with physical pangs...
The torment of unrequited love...
Of being tossed aside...

Strength...
she has it...
she must find it...
she must draw upon it...
And someday...
she might understand...

But for now...
she mourns...
she craves...
she grieves His love...

Curls within herself...
Dejected...
Alone.
Lost.

Thrown Away

You fed me poetry.
You drew me in with your words.
You embraced me with your understanding, your compassion.
You enticed me with your charm.
You educated me with your wisdom, your insight.
You professed to me your love.
You promised me a life - no ?
You promised me a possibility.
It was never a probability.
How can one promise a possibility?
It was a thread. A strand of a web.
A web of deception.
A web of manipulation.

I listened.
I needed.
I wanted.
I wanted to believe.
I needed to believe.
I fell, hard?and I fell on stones.
The cuts bled. The bruises marred my inner skin.
But I persevered. I stayed afloat on dreams.
You kissed the wounds.

But kisses don't heal wounds.
Not yours, anyway.
And you still promised. And I still listened.
You honed in on my vulnerabilities. I didn't awaken.
I prayed.
You preyed.

And as I was listening to your promises, you were wrapping them up to give to another.
You practiced them on me.
What I heard was what you wanted me to hear.
What you planned to tell her.
But your deception was what I was experiencing.

You needed me more than I needed you; I know that now.
You needed my kisses to get over your wounds.
Because my kisses were pure. They were sincere.
And my kisses healed you enough for you to find someone else.
Even though I was ever so willing to be that One True Love to you.

You never wanted me. No matter how much you pretended you did.
I wanted you. I thought I wanted you.
What I wanted was what I thought you were offering.
It was never mine to accept.
It was never real.

The pain was immense.
Worse than those stones.
These were shards through my already-bleeding heart.
And yet you never noticed.
You sang her praises to me, never hearing my whimpers of pain.
You painted pictures of roses while I sat with thorns pressed against my breast.

You danced out of my sight.
As my vision slowly went dark.

And you never noticed my devastation. Or if you did, you never dared to acknowledge it.

And now the pain has been replaced by a recurring sting.
And it's left me stronger.
But it's left me more cynical.
Maybe that is for the best; but the carefree me is gone.
She's been replaced
By an angry mistrustful waif.
The kind you like to rescue.

But I'm not yours for the rescuing.
This damsel is not in distress.
She'll climb on her own horse.
And she'll go from walk to trot to canter until she gallops.
Out of your sight.
Stronger.
Happier.
Wiser.
Free.
What you threw away - I found.

© angelique