i'm reading two books gene gave me for x-mas - one is called intimate strangers and deals with the phenomena of celebrity and those who get sucked into it, the other is madness in society, a look, sort of, at the history of mental illness... or something (i just started reading it).. anyhow. i am so getting sucked into psycho-thinking again!

it's just disgustingly interesting. it's not so much why we tick that i'm curious about, rather it's how we tick, how we came to tick that way and what can be done to fix a bad tick that.. oh fuck it, i lost myself in all those tick's. basically, how are we fucked up, why did we get fucked up and can something be done to un-fuck us? er. maybe i should stick to food when i try and explain things...

why the hell do i always end up getting into psychology at springtime, is what i'd like to know - i caught myself looking for new arrivals at the school library in the psycho-pathology and serial homicide sections the other day. is it something in the pollen? i don't know.

it's suffice to say that i took the psychology 101 class offered in high school twice, despite getting an A the first time, simply because i had so much fun in it and it was the only psych-class offered. very lame. i know. then again, there aren't that many subjects i get A's in so i guess subconsciously it was the closest i could get to an slow-motion replay..

and then that med student syndrome kicks in.. you know the one.. it's where you grow convinced that whatever illness you are currently studying is an illness you have because some of the symptoms seem to match up to it. frantically you compare the symptoms listed in the textbook and start to examine your limbs and state - how dilated are my pupils? do i have night sweats?

with psychology, of course, the difference is that instead of thinking you're on the verge of dying from some obscure disease you think you're on the verge of turning into either a catatonic vegetable locked inside your brain or a sociopathical homocidal.. well, maniac.

on top of that you start to look at everyone you encounter in real life and diagnose them in your head, the faster and harsher, the better it seems, somehow. that woman on the bus is folding the time-schedule awfully neat - possible contender for obsessive-compulsive disorder! crazy man grabbing my hand - obvious issues with boundaries and is hence a potential violator.

so many possible things that can be off, and more often than not it's not something obvious. they are all around us - people who can't help but manipulate everyone around them; people in need to be victims - people refusing to be victims who close themselves off; people hiding -, people opening up far too much, people demanding attention, people desperate to fit in, people desperate to stick out... it's endless.