well. i had another attack last night. i haven't had one since the beginning of january and it was quite upsetting, but i feel better now. basically, i've been struggling with some odd mix of writer's block and performance angst for about a year now, and i thought i was doing better with that than i am. what is better now than before is that i'm able to pull myself together faster and simply put it on my ever growing list of "to work on"s. i panicked severely last night. it was two and a half hours of my brain filling each second with "i still have time, i still have time, it'll come to me, i'll write in a second, just gathering thoughts, still have time, still ha.. fourteen minutes? i can't write 5 paragraphs in fourteen minutes! i fucked up! i fucked up! i fucked up!" it's hard to explain to people just how it feels. i don't think i can. it's sort of the way a straitjacket would feel, i think, you are stuck - you pull and pull and you simply cannot get out of it. yes, i'll be able to take the test next semester, with a lot more pressure. angela's offered to tutor me - as she said "remember, i used to teach that crap." of course, those things do absolutely nothing to help when it really is feeling like it is the end of the world. things get blown out of proportion, yes. heh. anyhow. so much for skipping the last counselling sessions because i "feel better." maaaaaaaaan i suck! but i'll be okay. in the meantime, i'm obsessed with trying to beat the kevin bacon oracle! - four is the best any of us seem able to do. very disturbing. argh!