cotton candy with teeth

thursday, september 30


so i think of myself as this really squishy person who is always so fair and wise and caring and gentle and kind and soft, and then i have to realise that i am also this mean, pissy, judgmental evil person too - that's hard to wrap a soft brain around, eh. (how canadian was that?)



no, it's not that i secretly go out and kick small dogs in the shins every thursday night or rip the wigs off the grandma's. it's more in my head the action takes place. in my head i shred 99% of the people i see to pieces. it is a massacre with crooked limbs and severed heads with bad hairdo's everywhere inside my brain.

as soon as i look at a person my brain finds the fault. "that skirt is too ugly for words" - "ohmyghod, does he always talk like this?" - "why is his skin always flushed?" - "why is she so fucking slow?"

oh, i realise most (if not all [except jewel ;]) people do this too. i'm not claiming to be the unique snowflake here. it's just that i never think about the negativity my brain holds and so when i do notice it, it has me blinking.

it seems it takes a while before new aquaintances get to know me well enough to realise that i'm not a walking sugar cane that's inhaled a little too much of the laughing gas.

last night i had my roommate literally rolling on the floor with laughter because apparently i was making amusing and mean comments about the people on the telly. i didn't quite get it.

it seems that what i see as mere observations, others see as me bitching off. and i guess i never noticed it before, but my observations always do seem to be of the negative kind.

but really. it isn't my fault the girl cast as unpopular & uncool in the new show popular would never have been that in real school, is it? i mean, i had to call them on it, i really had to because she may be nice but we would never mix out here in the real world.

i just resent when tv people ask us to believe that a girl is fat because "she's wearing a really baggy shirt" or that another girl is sharkbreath uncool because "she's not blonde and she's not wearing a tight babydoll dress." that's MY territory you are misrepresenting fucker, you know?

and i only commented that the dead chick in the episode of medical detectives on TLC last night was ugly too because the narrator made a point out of noting that her husband (and killer) wasn't handsome, really, it was just a sense of wanting to be fair.

oh whatever. i think i lost my thread somewhere. i guess i just wanted to note that i do have teeth and sometimes i manage to bite my tongue by mistake and feel how sharp they are. or something like that. fickle bitch i am.



WHY IS THE VENDING MACHINE DOWNSTAIRS STILL EMPTY PLEASE WHY WON'T THEY FILL IT BACK UP AGAIN WHY WHY WHY?????? sorry. my stomach hijacked the keyboard.


i also think me and gene have hung out a bit too much the past month or so. no, it's not that i'm sick of him, it's just.. i don't have anything to talk about with him right now. it will probably correct itself by the time i see him and aziza tonight (free showing of american beauty at their school - i'm sneaking along), but last night it was painfully obvious.

what is usually a 30-70 minute phonecall lasted for about 10 minutes. i think we exchanged 20 sentences. most of it was long pauses where we watched something together on the tv (we both tuned in to see carnie wilson's stomach being reduced on abc. scary.) or when i verbally abused gabbi for a while ("no stupid, that said NECROSEARCH, not necrophile, he does not dig up and fuck skeletons for fun!").

and then i was quiet and then i said "well i think i'm going to bed now" and then we hung up. and i really knew that i didn't have a single thing more to tell him right then.

life is strange, sometimes.



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