friday. 

friday, october 8


















i was looking for a line in a song and i could only remember one word, and so i tried the 
search engine and got the following sentence:


The results of your search for cunt appear below.

hah. but anyways.












 




















'my cunt is built like a wound that won't heal'

out of habit, ani difranco

---


i threw up again this morning and it caught me by surprise. i'm not sure what to make of it and so i'll just wait and see. it bothers me, though. needless to say, i've stopped having breakfast again, which brings me back to my a meal a day habit. so much for trying the healthy thing.


i actually stayed home yesterday (i only had one class anyways.) and just slept and listened to music. it felt nice and quiet. this afternoon marks the start of my fall break which will last until next wednesday when i go back to classes again. i've already promised to come in monday and work on the school paper, though, but i'm okay with that.


i have no real plans for this fall break. i'm thinking sleep might be enjoyable enough, and maybe i'll finally graduate onto 'right' of the two nin cd's by the time it's over. the 2 cd's making up 'the fragile' are called 'left' and 'right' and i can't seem to get enough of left so i never actually get to fall in love with right. very confusing.


of course. there is one thing planned. tomorrow, actually. it's time for... the ani difranco concert!

i can't begin to tell you how excited gene and me are. it's taking on ridiculous proportions. we have it all planned out. we'll leave for raleigh around 9.30 tomorrow morning. have breakfast at IHOP. go to concert venue. occupy the space in front of the venue doors. wait till evening. RUN in like ferrets. secure the center/front row spots (it's general admission). reach pure ecstasy.

simple, eh?



























little thoughts swim in my head and i start to wonder things. i think i finally found a purpose for this journal in my life. you see, i very rarely go back and read entries unless it's to find some specific picture or thing, and so in general i don't really feel like there are 483 entries of me out here that have actually recorded my life for 2 and a half years now. they're just... there.


but then today i suddenly decided to see if i wrote an entry a year ago and found that i hadn't, but i got sort of stuck in my october log anyways and read and realised that i only wrote 7 entries for the whole month of october. i read through them and... i wasn't a happy camper then was i?


and then i looked at the entries for october 1997 and now i have had to come to the conclusion that october is a month where my brain feels really sad and thinks a lot about things that happened a long time ago. and if i hadn't had this journal up, i couldn't have looked back in time and see this pattern.


i wonder if there is a pattern overall? i mean, what if i went through the entries from the start and marked dates when i'm obviously feeling cheesypoof and dates when i was on a clear sugarhigh and found a pattern?


is it the weather, am i different, have i changed? i don't know. this fascinates me, though. perhaps my brain have a schedule that it hasn't let me in on yet? it would be nice to be prepared.



"uh-oh, late september is closing in, better make sure to pad the walls and have some kleenex around" or "i'm about due to snap out of this and into an elated frenzy over halloween, better have some poptarts and chocolate around!"


ah well. just throughts.











 
















oh i know. for an entry, this definitely belongs in the lamer ranks. i have a reason, though. i can't focus on anything. i had all these possible contenders for Things To Be Mentioned, but none of them really held my attention for long. for instance, i could have written an entry on:


  •  how completely and utterly soul-shaking i find the live version if 'sugar' on tori amos' new cd to be, and how i bring the bass and volume up on it and turn off all the lights constantly to let the room vibrate with it, and how it makes my cells happy to yell 'YOU'RE JUST A PUSSAY!!' but i won't.
    


  •  two years ago i wrote an entry with the line "On a more diary like note.. I got a sequin from the scarf stuck between my teeth earlier." innit, and i stand by it.
    


  •  me and angela bought a small purple bag and a tiny very authentic looking spider for a girl who lost her apartement to floyd. the saleslady was so moved when we told her why we were sending somebody we've never met (she's an online girl) a gift that she searched through a box and fished up a pair of pretty earrings with gorgeous blue stones in them and added to the gift for free. somehow the kindness of strangers always catch me off-guard.
    


  •  gene told me earlier this week that in a fit of boredome he decided to read entries in this journal. now, he doesn't read this so i was a bit curious to see what he'd think. he said he liked it, and was surprised sometimes by the things i'd remember that he himself had forgotten, like when the predicted my future.
    


  •  gabriel is gone on a 2-week tour that will take him to canada and other places, which means i have the apartment to myself. last night i almost worked myself towards a heartattack because i had forgotten to close the closet door before i went to bed, and spent an hour imagening somebody coming out of it. vivid imagination, any
one?
    

  •  em pimped me the other day. i like em. but you knew that.
    


  •  i am utterly addicted to doritos chips; ranch flavor. 
    
---
    
and that concludes today's transmission. sad, really. see you wednesday. dream of nick cave if you will. 


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