I really don't like this shrink

August 7th 2001

Finally the actual appointment to see the "real" therapist rolls around, it is stifling hot in this city, the bus ride to this office is an hour, I had to keep telling myself to go, and I told my supervisor yesterday that I did have an appointment so that I would feel like I HAD to leave work and go. I did come away from the appointment with something called Effexor. Which I have never heard of, but in my desperation I took one as soon as I left the office. He gave me a "patient starter pack" which was 2 weeks worth and then a scrip for 30 days with another 30 day refill, and a reminder that it takes 4-6 weeks before meds start to work, so I shouldn't call him in 2 weeks and tell him they're not working, nice guy huh?

The past couple weeks have been so bad, I sit up all night, I feel sad, scared, in the middle of the night I want to call someone, but at the same time realize I don't want to deal with the stuff that follows calling someone for help in the middle of the night. "Yes obviously you mean a lot to me if I call you, but in my state of my mind I simply cannot return the friendship I'm asking of you, so could you leave me alone unless I call you in desperate lonliness in the early hours before dawn?"
Does that mean that on top of being depressed I'm narcissistic? Maybe I'm just a sociopath? Okay I'm getting carried away, it's just depression, plain old ordinary, unexciting depression. Sometimes these past days I have found myself crying as I walk to work, or on the bus, or as I sit in the tub trying to soak away my sadness.

The shrink. He is interrogating in his style, asking me what precipitated this depression. I must have lost someone, had a bad relationship, had some kind of trauma. UGH! No stop it, I've been through this already with the CSW, I've been depressed forever, I've been depressed since I was a teenager, I've seem the same pattern emerge over and over in my life, and it is now finally at nearly 35 years that I can no longer move forward without help, without getting it under control. So despite the fact that I don't like him, that he literally makes a list on his fingers in front of me of all the issues he has to talk to every patient about, suicide, childhood, parents, relationships etc... I accept the appt for 6 weeks from now, knowing it is absurd to put someone on meds and tell them call me in 6 weeks and make a note in my book on the way out to call and ask for a referral to something a bit closer to home, and not like him.

I'm on my way right? At the least maybe this stuff will work, maybe....