Timothy Dunnigan, Ph.D.
One of the most common parent complaints is that their child or children don't listen to them. They find that when they ask their child to do something, it doesn't get done. Their child may argue with them. Sometimes a parent asks their child to do something five or six times before the child complies. Typically, parents may struggle to get their child to go to bed, take out the trash, bathe, or complete homework. At times, parents also have trouble getting their children to stop certain behavior. For instance, they may find themselves telling their child repeatedly to stop fighting with a brother or sister, stop arguing with a parent, or stop playing with food.
To effectively communicate, you must be firm, expressing consistent and reasonable expectations about the child's behavior. If your child would rather avoid whatever you're asking him or her to do, then you must not act as if they have a choice. If you do, your child will choose to avoid the activity. While it may seem like they are disobeying you, if you are in some subtle or not-so subtle way giving your child a choice, they aren't really disobeying you.
Adults accidentally give children choices when they say:
"Will you please go to bed?"
"Cupcake, it isn't nice to pour your father's coffee on his lap."
"When you grow up and look for a job, you will wish you did your homework."
An adult who was being effective and assertive would say:
"I expect you to be in bed in five minutes."
"Denise, you are never to do that again, apologize to your father, get a rag, clean up the coffee and then go to your room."
"It is time to do your homework. Turn off the television, go to your desk and get started."
Principles of Effective Directing
Look your child in the eye.
State your expectations in a direct and firm manner.
If you don't want to give your child a choice, don't ask, tell him or her.
Don't be sidetracked by excuses, whining, or arguing.
Give your child two chances, then use mild social disapproval, response cost, or time-out to enforce your authority.
Effective Directing, Mild Social Disapproval,
and Response Cost Example:
Kim was a five-year-old girl who was frustrating her mother and father. Each night her parents would argue with each other about her.
For example, her mother would ask, "Kim, honey, would you get ready for bed now?" and Kim would ignore her. If she was watching television, she would continue to watch the show and not acknowledge her mother had said anything. Typically, her mother would ask 10 or 15 minutes later, "Now, why haven't you done as I asked?" At this point, Kim would complain and whine, "It's not bedtime!" or "I don't want to go to bed!" Her mother would then say, "Young lady, you had better listen to me!" Often Kim's father would then react, typically saying, "You'd better listen to your mother!" Kim would then start to cry. Sometimes her father would then angrily spank her and she would cry bitterly.
Her mother would become angry with Kim's father and go to comfort Kim. She would give Kim some dessert or read to her until Kim relaxed because she knew that Kim would not be able to sleep being so upset.
Once Kim was in bed, her mother and father would argue that one was too soft and the other was too harsh. Actually, both were right. Neither parent in this case communicated effectively to Kim and together they created a situation which rewarded Kim for ignoring them.
After a consultation with a child psychologist, Kim's father and mother agreed on a plan to get Kim to follow their directions at bedtime. They agreed on a 7:30 bedtime for school nights and an 8:30 weekend bedtime. That evening they sat down with Kim before supper and told her about this. When she complained, her mother said, "We know that you don't agree, but these will be the rules from now on. If you're not in bed at your bedtime, you will lose your television privileges for the next night." Kim's parent's put a note on the refrigerator which stated the rules for each day of the week.
That night, at 7:15, Kim's father said, "It is now 7:15. You are to be in bed in 15 minutes. You have 15 minutes to get ready." Kim ignored him. At 7:25, Kim's mother went to Kim, held her by the shoulders, looked her in the eye and said in a firm tone of voice, "We are both angry with you. You have not gotten ready for bed as your father told you. Go now to your bedroom and be in bed in five minutes." Kim began to cry and whine. Neither parent said anything else. They ignored her tantrum.
At 7:30, Kim was quiet and was watching her parents carefully. Both got up from their chairs and her mother said, "It is now your bedtime and you are not in bed, no television tomorrow night." Kim's father picked her up and carried her to her bedroom. Her mother went with them and helped dress Kim who was crying and saying, "I hate you!" Neither responded to these statements. When she was dressed, her mother said, "It is your bedtime. You are to stay in your bed. If you want to read or hold your dolls you can, but you are to stay in your bed." When Kim's parents left the room, they could hear Kim talking and complaining, but they ignored her.
That night she stayed in her room and the following night, she was not allowed to watch television and went to bed on time. The third night, she was not in bed on time and then came out of her bedroom after her parents had taken her to bed. When that happened, they expressed their displeasure with her behavior and walked her back to her bed.
Gradually, over two weeks, Kim became more compliant with the bedtime rule. After a month, while Kim often argued and complained about her bedtime, she was regularly in bed at the times her parents specified. While her mother and father sometimes discussed their plan and corrected each other when they deviated from it, they did not argue over their response to Kim.
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