I am a male to female pre-op transsexual who has finally had to tread the path of transition. I have fought it since I was around 18 years of age although I knew something was wrong as early as five years of age. In fact, I remember quite vividly, spending many nights praying to wake up a girl - something which never happened but sometime soon, hopefully, the surgeon's scalpel will make me complete. I was recently asked why I decided now to take the path to reassignment. I didn't make any decision - my condition, which I was born with, was triggered by external forces and I moved forward or would have floundered. I had no choice in the matter. Some go through it early in their lives, others later - one doesn't decide I'll do it next month or next year - it happens and one has to respond or perish!

I was raised in a small Welsh valley town. I was the first born with a brother and a sister following when I was 10 years old. From the age of five, I remember I was uneasy with myself - I cannot explain it better than that really - obviously at that early age I had no idea of my condition but I certainly felt different to others. As I grew up I began to become even more aware things were not 'right'. I didn't ever enjoy the games of other male friends and very soon I began to get bullied. I developed a very bad stammer which did hinder my education to some extent causing me not to be able to ask relevant questions during lessons. I always tended to ask them when I was alone. Fortunately, it has since cleared itself and I no longer have that problem. I always jumped at the chance of taking my brother and sister out for walks in their pram. That was the closest I came to call upon my maternal instincts.

I attended the local Boys' Grammar school and completed my 'O' and 'A' levels before reading Applied Physics at Cardiff. During these times I had grown to a tall person and it was this fact which caused me to put my condition under wraps. I just could not cope with my height and begin my transition to Fiona at that time. I attempted to do all the 'normal' things as a teenager. I had two relationships with two female friends which really came to nothing. I then met someone special. We had an immediate bond and honestly thinking I had my problem under control and marriage would make me 'normal' asked her to marry me. At that time I really thought I had mastered my problem. Over the years I, secretively dressed and practised the art of womanhood. I joined the Beaumont Society but realised I wanted to be Fiona all the time. Again, my height kept me from seeking treatment and again it was securily under wraps.

I found the whole process of denying who I really was very corrosive and stressful. I became a very stressed individual with a short temper but at the same time a very mild mannered individual. My first employment took me into a very male oriented world. I worked as a Systems Development Engineer on military aircraft destined for the RAF. I threw myself into the job in an effort to swamp my feelings. As time pasted, I moved around a little and finally had a job in Swansea. By this time we had lost a child through a miscarriage and we both went through the stress that causes. Our second child arrived and for a while all thoughts of my condition left me only to return somewhat stronger.

My wife and I had a very good marriage - from the start we have always been very good friends and as our daughter developed, life was really wonderful. Always, in the backround, I had these feelings lurking and I always feared the worse. My daughter achieved high academic success and has left home to begin her working life and has recently married someone who also supports me!

During the early 1990s, Universities in the UK came under sustained pressure due to Government financial constraints and with dwindling budgets all staff came under increasing stress. During this time, just after the death of my father-in-law, I felt under immense stress and began to experience changes in my attitude to myself. I felt my security mechanism failing - the bolts I had put in place much earlier were beginning to fail. Whilst my daughter was at University in London, my wife, who was a senior teacher in a local Comprehensive School was attacked by a pupil and subsequently suffered a nervous breakdown. She has since left her much loved profession through early retirement. She was nursed back to health by our wonderful GP, a counsellor and myself.

This put me under further stress and I realised I needed to speak to someone about my condition. My feelings seemed to escalate as the lid of Pandora's Box began to open and as if to reinforce them another significant thing occurred. During a shopping trip to London, whilst in Harrods, we came face to face with eight tall, elegant women. Two were even taller than I! I just couldn't get them out of my mind and as I drove back to Swansea I kept thinking 'if they can do it then so can I!'. From that day to the time I saw my psychiatrist my 'bolts' failed rapidly and as my wife was in no state to be told of my condition I kept it all to myself. That didn't really help and in October 1995 I travelled to Worm's Head with just one thing in mind - to end my life. I sat in a rather foolish position for about five hours. Images of my family flashed through my mind and eventually, I fortunately came to my senses - I joined The Gender Trust and decided to seek medical help.

I made an appointment with Dr. Russell Reid after writing a very long letter explaining how I felt and my history of gender dysphoria. I saw him on the 4th. Demember 1995 - a day which changed my life and that of my wonderful wife. As I said earlier, I had never been in public as Fiona and consequently, I had to prove to myself I could do it otherwise what was the point in carrying on with life. For the first time ever, as I walked down a London street as Fiona, I was both elated and terrified. I was being accepted as a tall, elegant woman going about her business. In both direction, to and from Russell's office, I had no hassle - at least nothing I noticed. I had proved to myself I could present myself as Fiona to society without too many problems. My condition was confirmed and has been confirmed by my counsellor and I have been on treatment for just two years. I began RLT on the 6th. September 1997 and hope to be 'complete' by October 1998. At my first appointment I was asked if I had plan for transition. I added 'I wanted to take each step at a time but not run out of time'. To date I am on schedule. Sadly it has meant, possibly in the short term, the loss of my wonderful wife - we separated on the 5th. September. She is supportive but we both feel the necessity for time to re-adjust to our new lives. My wife still grieves for the loss of 'her lovely man!' We have remained very, very good friends and see each other regularly - who knows what the future will bring - hopefully, us back together.

During mid March 1998 I had my second psychiatric opinion from Dr. Dalrymple who confirmed my condition and referred me to the surgeon, Mr. Royle. I enter the Sussex Nuffield on the 2nd September and go to theatre at 1.30 pm on the 3rd. My schedule has been acheived and I owe it to so many people - some I've met and some who are virtually anonymous!

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