I wrote this short account of my first venture in public in an attempt to help others who are in a similar position

Being tall I had 'bolted down' my condition and survived over forty years. Unfortunately, in the early nineties I was under a great amount of stress and gradually I realised my 'bolts' were failing one by one. I contemplated ending my life but decided to seek medical advice. I made an appointment with a gender psychiatrist in London during the early part of December in 1995. I knew I was a transsexual but wanted it confirmed. I decided if was going ahead with my transition I would have to prove to myself, as early as possible, I could present myself as my true self. I decided to attend my first appointment dressed as Fiona.

I decided to drive to London and consequently reserved a room in the Philbeach Hotel. As it catered for the gay and transgendered community I felt I would be more at easy there and have less explaining to do if things went wrong. I arrived and was shown my room. I unpacked my case and allowed my clothes to hang for a while. My appointment was at 5.30 pm. so I tried to relax before getting ready for my first venture in public. I showered and began to dress about 3.00 pm. I was ready by about 4.30 pm and was very happy with my appearance although a little concerned about the only shoes I had at that time. They were black leather court shoes with a 2" heel which didn't do much for my confidence. I have bought several pairs since, mainly flat or very low heels.

One final check on make-up, hair and overall appearance. All in order! As my hand touched the door knob I just froze - I couldn't move. I was shaking all over as I began to verbally reason with myself. I had travelled over two hundred miles, paid for a hotel room and would have to pay the consultation fee even if I didn't turn up! Suddenly the shaking stopped as abruptly as it had began. I opened the door and walked slowly into the hallway. I closed the door behind me and as I turned I caught sight of myself in a very large mirror. I was well pleased and believed it gave me a massive boost in confidence - that was, until I heard voices on the stairs. I was back in my room within a very short space of time! I was now angry with myself for being so silly and loudly told myself to pull myself together and keep the appointment or end my life. My options were just two. I could no longer continue to live as John for the rest of my life and if I couldn't make it in public then going on with life was pointless. The stark reality of my position was enough to goad me into a third attempt!

I threw caution to the wind and began walking down the stairs. Two gentlemen at the base parted to allow me passage and nodded a comment. I handed in my keys and had a pleasant comment regarding my appearance from the desk clerk. The main door opened and the chilly evening air hit me as I stood on the top step. I decended the few steps to the pavement, turned right and proceeded down the street toward Warwick Road. Each time someone approached I crossed the road. This happened several times and again I had to fight with myself to stop 'tacking' along the street. I eventually reached equilibrium and walked past several people before arriving in Warwick Road. It was like daylight and extremely busy with commuters returning home etc.. I took a deep breath and walked with as much confidence as I could muster. I was both elated and terrified - elated to be accepted as the lady I have always felt I am and terrified in case someone made a comment I couldn't handle.

I continued walking - past several bus queues and many, many passers-by. Everyone seemed to accept me although I never looked behind. I felt I was fine and my confidence spiralled upwards vitually with every step. I came to a pedestrian crossing and whilst waiting for the green light I couldn't help wondering what response I would get as I walked across the three lanes of traffic. As I walked across the road I had no response for which I was grateful! Everyone I had passed had either not bothered to make any comments or actions or had seen me as a very tall woman going about her business.

I walked into the consulting rooms and announced myself to the receptionist. I removed my black woollen coat and sitting down in a comfortable armchair gave my 'ordeal' some thought. I had come through my 'baptism of fire' with flying colours and was very pleased with myself. My decision to 'test the water' before seeing the psychiatrist had proved both sensible and successful - I had proved to myself I could do it! My appointment went very well and he confirmed what I already knew. I thanked him at the end of the consultation and walked back to the hotel with confidence. I collected my key, walked upstairs and opening the door went inside. I threw myself on the bed and burst into tears - I was finally 'on my way'.

Before I began RLT, I had hoped to spend at least a week in London living as Fiona to improve my confidence. Sadly this didn't happen - I am currently in my eighth week of RLT and to date have experienced no real problems.

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