Mon, 11 Jul 1994

Dear Diary,

Whew! Where do I begin? It's been a very full time since last I wrote you. I guess there are basically three things to write about, so I'll pick the easiest for me to write about and move on from there.

I am, for the first time in 21 years, a licensed driver. The reasons I didn't drive for so long, and then recently never got a license are pretty deeply rooted in some problems I hope I have overcome. The one common bond between those problems is "fear." As a child, I was afraid of riding a bicycle, I think because when my father first put me on one, he sort believed in the sink or swim school. He took me out to the street in front of our house and gave me a push downhill. The hill was not very long... one block...but the street was rather steep (10-15 degree angle) an not very well paved. I crashed. I gave up on bicycles.

When it came time to learn to drive, the fear of bicycles seemed to transfer to a fear of driving. I never had, nor did I want, a driver's license during high school. Eventually I got married and when we got a car, my ex did all the driving. During my time in the military, I became an MP and for the first time in my life, learned to drive and became licensed. After I got out of the military, I was still allowed to drive on the military license for a period of time, but I found that driving on a freeway scared me to death. Worse yet, I had feelings similar to those I get when standing at a high place...I might as well crash/jump since I'm going to crash/fall anyway. It was best for me not to drive with those feelings, I figured. A year and a half ago, I found it necessary to drive. So I did. I found that I enjoyed driving, but I never did get around to getting a license (fear of failing?). Today, I passed the driving test and am now a licensed driver. Now if I only had a car...

The bail-bondsman that I used to bail my ex out of jail last September called me today. He's been trying to get in touch with me for about a week. He told me that on July 28th, there is a hearing where he must either fork over the money I paid him or fork over my ex. He said that if she is there, I will get some of my money back. He says he is prepared to go get her. I told her she lived in Memphis, but that I didn't know where, and that I knew she worked at a restaurant, but I didn't know which one. I threw her phone number away long ago. I wonder what will happen.

Last night April and I had a lengthy and serious discussion about our relationship. I know that things are going to be different now and I hope they will be better. I know that I already feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, a weight I wasn't even sure was there. I think she feels the same way. May each of us have the happiness and contentment we deserve, both together and apart.

[In the interests of privacy, the author is not going to go into details here]

I do understand April's feelings of being at a party but feeling invisible. I think that is an apt description of the first 43 years of my life...at least the years between 11 and 43. I know it feels awful. Can a non-transsexual ever understand what it is like to be a transsexual? Or is it that I just don't know how to express what it's like? There has always been a fine line to tread between "trying to help friends understand" and "that's all you ever talk about." I'm never sure where that line is. But as far as I am concerned, April is welcome to come to the party as an honorary transsexual :)

Love and Peace,

Robyn

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