Tuesday, 5 Jul 1994

Dear Diary:

5 weeks from today!

Yesterday was not much better than the day before. I tried meditating outside under a tree, but I still couldn't really get into it. Even watching the birds and squirrels didn't cheer me up like it usually does. All these thoughts pouring into my brain...I guess that should be pouring out of my brain. It would be nice if I could hang onto a good one once in a while. I try, but then something occurs to me and before you know it, I'm back in that same place again.

Thinking about the future is not a good thing to do right now, I guess. I think it's necessary, but I get this overpowering urge to not return here after my surgery. I suppose it might be different if people here showed somehow that they cared about me, but that happens rarely.

I'm hoping that all this is just the typical Robyn reaction to three-day weekends and once the week starts, things will get better. It would be nice to be able to get to sleep at a decent hour, too. I try but those damn thoughts and continual emotional shifts keep me awake long after I lay down. Once I do get to sleep, I've been having pleasant dreams...dreams of the surgery, where everything goes well, dreams of me post-op. Oh well, I guess I need to do more exercise to make myself more tired. It's so hard in this oppressive heat though.

I'm going to go to group this afternoon. Hallie is taking me to Little Rock when she goes to work. Guess I can grade the exams in the hours before group starts. Maybe being away from Conway will be good for me.

I tried to call Mike last night and see if he was going to group. I was hoping to talk him into coming earlier than usual so we could chat some beforehand. But his roommate said he was out for the evening, and he either did not come home for the night or got home so late he thought he shouldn't call.

At least I'm giving two tests today, so I don't have to worry about teaching. It's pretty much the last thing on my mind right now. Finals are on Friday, so I only have to prepare something for Tuesday and Wednesday.

I've just got to keep in mind that the nature of life is change. Things will get better. Unfortunately, the flip side of that is that things will get worse, too.

Love, and the hope for Peace,

Robyn

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