Wed, 6 Jul 1994

Dear Diary:

Did you ever have one of those days where it would have been better if you had just stayed in bed?

The day started out rather innocuously. I gave tests in both of my classes, so I didn't really have to teach. People in both classes thought the tests were too long, as usual.

Hallie picked me up at 12:50pm for the ride to Little Rock, so that I could go to group. Since group doesn't start until 5pm, I had decided to have her drop me off at Vino's, a micro-brewery/ pizza place. I bought a sandwich and a salad, since I was going to be sitting there until about 4pm and I was only 1:30pm when I got there. I passed the time grading exams, trying hard to concentrate on them and not the jumble of things that had been bothering me for the last few days.

At 4, I left Vino's, having spent $5, which I felt very guilty about, since last week I had spent $20 on a whole two weeks worth of food. During the mile walk to the place where group meets (in 95F temp), I couldn't help but think about all of the things I wanted to bring up. I needed to talk with Ralph about becoming my personal therapist, since Kurt retired last week. I wanted to talk about the confusion I have been experiencing in the last week. I was hoping I could talk some of my friends from group into maybe getting together for a small party before I left for Wisconsin. And maybe I could even find someone there that would cosign a loan for me so that I could have a little extra money (i.e. more than the $50 I have) to live on until my next paycheck.

I got there, hot, sweaty, my foot hurting where the place where the removed corn was rubbing on the shoe, but relieved that I would have someone to talk with soon about my concerns.

Ralph wasn't there. He announced at last week's group, which I hadn't been able to get a ride to, that he was taking a week of vacation. The secretary was there, updating patient files, and when he told me, I'm afraid I wasn't in the mood to hear it. I broke down and cried on and off for 45 minutes. I was so disappointed. The worst part was that I had nowhere to go nearby to wait for Hallie to get off work, and she wouldn't be coming to pick me up until 6:30.

Finally, at about 5, one of the women showed up...she hadn't been there last week either. I didn't know her well, as we had only been there on the same evening once. But she and I sat on the porch and chatted for a bit, before one of the men showed up. I didn't really know him either (same reason), but the three of us decided to hold our own group, and we got into the guy's car and drove around talking.

It was helpful, better than having no one to talk with, but I wish they had been people I knew better.

Eventually, we drove back to the Psychotherapy Center and sat there waiting for Hallie to show up. She did, about 6:15, and we drove back to Conway, talking about this and that, me still pretty depressed. I went to my office to try to finish my grading, and for some unknown reason decided to log onto IRC to see if there was someone I could talk to on. There were some people, but when I related the day to that point, I had someone ask if my reactions weren't a sign that I wasn't prepared for surgery.

Considering delaying my surgery, and all the ramifications thereof, is something I have done in the past, and it's not a pretty picture. I've already in a sense delayed my surgery, originally scheduled for last April, because of financial setbacks, as well as problems with my employers. This past year, I have seen my health slowly deteriorate from taking all the drugs I take. Delaying my surgery would mean waiting almost a full year, and by then, I might not be in good enough physical condition for the surgery. I got a bit more depressed talking to her, recounting all of the reasons why surgery now was appropriate.

I finally went home about 10pm, to try and finish my grading. I got my mail on the way up to my apartment and noticed a letter from the hospital that had treated me in March when I had the food poisoning attack. They wanted $568 within 30 days, or they were taking me to court, and filing a letter with credit companies, ruining the attempt I have been making to establish credit for myself. Even though I had given them my insurance information two days after the treatment, they had never filed for the insurance and now I am the one to suffer for it. Sigh.

I went to bed, laid there for a few hours, and finally fell asleep.

Robyn

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