Something just happened. Possibly something very good. The path... I can see it now. I've been building this huge emotoinal bubble in the last couple days, actually the last couple ... what? Year? Decades? I'm a transvestite. Okay. I like girl's clothing. I've sort of accepted that. But lately... it seems to be more. I was finally able to ask myself if I'd ever be happy as a man. I don't know. I also don't know if I'll ever be happy as a woman, or whatever the shades of gray are between the two, but tonight my wife told me she would not leave me. That she would be my friend. I don't know if she understands the potential difficulty involved. There may be many hurt feelings in the future. I can't see far down the path, but I can take the first step. I'm frightened, but I hope I'll have at least one friend to hold my hand when the fear is more than I can stand alone. I'm so afraid.
I told her why I wanted to avoid ever looking down this path. I've developed several mechanisms to protect myself, anger and inconspicuousness. If you are angry enough, you can scare off all but the most dangerous. If you are inconspicuous enough, the wolves never notice you, never see you as the weak member of the herd. If I pursue Gender Reasignment, I invite myself to be an easy target for the mean, but I can't stand not knowing, not at least looking into the possibility of finding happiness there.
Okay, I think I've written enough cliche wridden dribble for one night.
Well, all. This is the longest stretch of time I've ever dwelled on the subject of my transgenderism. It's been about two weeks now, and it still eats up huge chunks of my thinking time. I was given the following URL (Thanks Jennifer!) to a site with a test called the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory (COGIATI). I scored +130. And, as I've said to others, when I ask 'am I a transsexual', that answer is like the magic 8-ball saying 'answer unclear, try again later'. I'm scheduled to meet with a psychiatrist on Aug 4. He's a gender specialist. I hope something clear comes of that.
I'd like to stop now and
thank some of the ladies who have extended their hand to me during this
crazy period.
A warm 'Thank You' goes
out to the ladies at Nature's Path,
Yahoo
Geocities chat - Transgendered , and the Chicago
Transgendered- Chat Cafe. But most of all, I'd like to thank Amber
Chen for her kind help, and long private conversations. I know I've
consumed many hours she could have had free to spend with her loved ones,
and instead she has donated this time to help me. I am grateful. Amber,
you've been a voice of reason when I can't hear my own. I know our initial
connection took some time, and I almost gave up in frustration, but I'm
REALLY glad I didn't.
I'm considering reestablishing my membership with the St. Louis Gender Foundation. I think as the weather cools, I'd like to go out again. Right now it's just too hot!
First off, Di, if you get this far, yes it's really me! I hope you can understand the difficulty in my admitting such a thing to you. I also hope that you continue to accept me for who and what I am. It's just another facet in the same gem. I just got finished sending this URL to you. Wish you were here. <smile>
Second: Amber, I am at least listening now for the voice of God. I'm sorry I can't do more. I'm still shaking my fists at Him in anger. For those of you just joining the conversation, I had a lengthy discussion with Amber last night, part of which was my loss of faith. I would really like to let go of my anger, and yes, Amber, I know it will just tear me apart if I don't, but this whole thing still seems like a cruel joke perpetrated on me rather than a blessing from my creator. I can at least hope that maybe someday, in the future, there will be another person in similar circumstances, who will read this page and feel that they are not alone, that others have taken a difficult path and emerged. I keep hoping. I REALLY appreciate you, Amber, for your time, your concern, your total candid truth.
Since my hard gaze at this issue began some three weeks (or a month) ago, I've only had one day where I felt really sane and focused. This is the longest period I've continually tried to understand my gender issue. I feel like it's time for me to grow, and it's holding me back, stagnating me. If facing it head-on is the only way to continue to grow as a person, then I will. To all my friends who will learn about me in the future, I hope you read this and realize I'm not doing this for effect, or to be different. I'm not doing this to spite someone else, or to injure anyone. I'm doing this because I'm not where I should be. If that means the next time you see me, I'm wearing ear-rings, or lipstick, or a dress, I hope you can deal with it. I'm the same person I was before (only hopefully, happier). The alternative is a heart attack at thirty, chronic alcoholism, or most unpleasant to consider, simply ending it.
I've got about a week before my appointment with a psychiatrist. I'm nervous. I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know if I want to begin HRT. I don't know if I want to live life as a female. I'm drawing a blank. Sometimes I wonder if I'm creating all this conflict to amuse some small part of my brain, to make my existance seem more dynamic or important. I don't think that's the case. Anyway, my fingers are getting tired. I'll type more later.