'Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!'
The path I follow is getting darker. The forest is closing in around me. Things peer at me from the darkness. There be Tygers.
I've hit another major depression. Last night I dreamed. I was a disembodied observer in an urban setting, watching. What I saw first was a pair of men on a second floor balcony, sitting on patio furniture, sipping beers in long neck bottles. Then, they began frothing blood from their mouths and eyes, and convulsing. They died horribly. And then after a few moments, they got up from where they sat, and left. The scene played itself out again, with different characters, in different locals in this same unnamed city. Each time ending with the grotesque exit of the walking dead. It was disturbing.
I announced to my wife this morning that maybe I could wait until my stepson graduates High School before I'd take any real action in seeking out gender change. Almost immediately I regretted it. It would be seven years. I know, if SRS is the option I decide on, I won't be able to wait that long.
My wife and I just discussed some things, about half an hour ago. Well, more like she listened and consoled as I cried and poured out my heart. She's been better than I could hope. I don't think she can REALLY understand how I feel, but she's at least sympathetic to my discomfort. I told her about the pains I've felt every time I've attempted to manifest any female traits only to have some THOUGHTFUL individual inform me I was stepping out of societal norms. Thanks, you F**KERS!! This is hard enough without your little social barbs. My stepson, my nephew, my mother-in-law, all caring people, have slapped me in the face with just how WRONG my actions were. How do you attempt change against such forces?
About the crying, this is the second time in only a couple weeks. I usually go YEARS between cries. Two this close together is unprecedented. I hope it's a good sign. I think I've been feeling like my maturation has reached a point of stagnation because I've been avoiding this issue seriously for too long. It's the next hurdle, the biggest of my life to date. In it's answer I hope will come a new level of wisdom. One can ALWAYS hope.
I've had several more clear suicidal thoughts. I don't want to die, I want to be happy. I'm just so miserable now. The last time I felt this bad was when I had to leave art college for lack of money, and spent 8 months living with my mom, unable to get a job. I'd made a commitment to do ANYTHING to get out of that situation. I ended up enlisting in the Air Force then. I signed into a six year agreement then. It turned out to be a very good decision, probably the best thing I could have done.
I hope my next decision works out as well. Three days until I visit the Psychiatrist. Fear, doubt, pain. That's pretty much summed up my emotional makeup lately.
I'm sitting here playing hookey from work. I told them I had a doctor's appointment. Another one. I have a lot of them due to my sinuses and mild sleep apnia, one more won't be noticed. What I came home early for was to try to schedule an appointment for electrolysis. I did. I also wrote an e-mail to the creator of the TS Roadmap site informing them of out-of-date info.
I'm writing today because I just had a revelation. I've used my anger, my fierceness, to avoid trouble in the past. I've been my own protector, and much of the fear I feel in attempting a transition is being an easy target. I need to accept that I can be who I really am, and still be capable of taking care of myself. I WILL NOT BE A VICTIM!!! I have a video tape I use for exercise, Tai Chi. The instructor goes on about the separation of Yin and Yang, the male and female, their coexistance, and their point of unity, and wholeness. I've been imbalanced my whole life due to feeling a need to be my own protector, to sleep with one eye open. To keep constant vigilance. To ALWAYS be the man. The guardian, the provider. I need time to feel, to create, to find child-like pleasure in existance again. My heart is starved from the lack of touch all this armor brings. I need to bring the parts into unity. I need nights of restful sleep in the protecting arms of my lover.
F**K!!!!! Well, I've been waiting for this day for WEEKS! This appointment with a psychiatrist has been GNAWING at me for the whole time. I left work half a day early, I was nearly SICK with anticipation. After waiting for an hour to see the doctor, I was led into an examination room. Hmm. A medical style exam room. Weird. Then the doctor arrived, and we spoke for about half an hour/forty minutes, when in the course of conversation, I am told that in fact Dr. Such-and-such is NOT a psychiatrist, but a F**KING urologist! I, after asking a physician's referal service for a psychiatrist specializing in gender issues, had been given this doctor's name. FFFFFUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!! He WAS familiar with transexuals, and was on the list I guess due to his experience in treating them PHYSICALLY! He was kind enough to refer me to a psychologist, which I am scheduled to see in two days.
Sometimes I think some divinity is having fun at my expense. I ain't finding this shit funny!
I was also given a perscription for Paxil (basically the same as prozac) for depression. The list of possible side effects for this medication is frightening.
(just past midnight)
Well, now. I dare say the Paxil
must be setting in. I can't sleep. My mind appears to be revealing things
to me with great clerity and incredible speed. It's kind of like I just
got a big 'I don't give a rat's ass what you think' shot. I feel like I
could dance (and I've been terrified of dancing my whole life).
Okay, so what was the first revelation of truth? I'm not gay. Well that's a start. The next revelation? I'm quite likely bi. Ahahaha! Ah, as I said earlier (yesterday technically) some divinity is having fun with THIS one. However, right now, I AM finding it amusing. I also don't think my feelings need interfere with my marriage. I am aware of them, but they don't need to rule my actions. Maybe I'll just become a big flirt! Really, I am finding the whole situation funny at levels English isn't equiped to explain.
I think I really need to follow through with the scheduled meeting Friday. Oop...I think my brain is running out of juice. Just sat there for about four minutes staring blankly forward. Maybe my inner voice ran out of things to say. Good enough to know that I can be honest with myself without fear of psychological reprocussions. Everything coming through my head is no longer hitting whatever misguided morality filter that caused untold hours, years of self loathing. God, thank you! I can hear myself! What a gift.
I can only think of this to say in closing. Although I don't believe this is a placibo effect, I also don't think that continued use of Paxil will have such a massive euphoric effect. I think this is like the old joke: 'Why do you keep hitting yourself in the hand with the hammer?'; 'Because it feels so good when I stop'. G'night all. I'm going to give myself a hug, and go to sleep. Peace!
Oh, Ha! I lied, I DO have something else to say. My anger, I think maybe it's been so uncontrollable for me because I've been like an animal with a leg caught in a trap. Constantly in misery myself, I've been snapping out at others irrationally. The person I need to ask forgiveness for this most is my step-son. Dude, I'm REALLY sorry. Virtually every day, I've had some nasty barb for you, every day I've felt bad about it, and every following day, the cycle would repeat. I don't want you growing up seeing me as a tyrant. I love you, and I think you're great. Even though there's always room for improvement, you are a good young man, and you make me proud.
I wanted to add this as an addendum to yesterday's post. When I came home from the rather failed meeting (as I saw it at the time), actually on the way home, I punched my elbow through the arm rest of my car, intentionally, and in deep anger. Then I came home, went out into the garage, and busted up my work table with a baseball bat. This is the intensity of rage I've lived with most of my life. I don't want it anymore. It serves no good function and it's childish. One of the strongest mental blocks I have draws the line of hostile action at inanimate objects that I own, and although it's held, I don't trust this little tantrum thing to abide by the rules I've set. The thing has got to go. Maybe, as my wife pointed out, I just need more exercise. Maybe hormones would help cut this rage. I can verify that more than a year back, I went on steroids for a sinus infection, and became an uncontrollable frickin monster. Anyway, it's late. Okay, brain, time to go into sleep mode. I'm sure there's enough here to digest for one day. I've gotta get up to go to work in 5 hours.
A couple days on Paxil, not one incident of road rage or freaking out at my step-son. I still get upset or angry, but the emotions are flashes and then I return to normal. I find that I wake up smiling. On the down side, taking it at night has made my sleep messed up. My brain starts revving at about midnight or one AM, and then late afternoon I need a nap.
Yesterday I went to see a new psychologist for the first time. She's a specialist in Gender issues (and she's NOT a urologist!). I think I feel comfortable with her. She seems very sweet. I noticed my own body language change throughout the coarse of the session with her, beginning with crossed arms and legs, and gradually opening to a non-defensive posture. My only comment was that sometimes she seemed when empathizing, to be over expressing it facially. She may just be very facially expressive.
I think I can feel my brain adjusting to the Paxil. My moods feel like they're returning to the baseline they were at before I started it. I hope my emotions level off before reaching that stage. Side effects I've noticed from the Paxil; Sweats, diarhea, headache (I'm assuming the headache is related. I have headaches most of the time), decreased appetite (actually a benefit), minor loss of mental focus (also not a definite side effect. It could just be all the stuff that's going through my head).
I've renewed my membership to the Saint Louis Gender Foundation. I plan to attend their September meeting. I also plan to take one of those little disposable cameras and get some pics.
On an utterly unrelated side note, I'd like to mention that we have several cherry tomato plants, doing very well in this hot summer, and I really like the smell of the plants on my hands after picking the ripe tomatoes. It's been an evening ritual I've really enjoyed.
If my days some time past felt like a forrest closing in on me, my present feels like a vast field spread out as far as my eye can see. My future is full of choices. I've wondered if I was the victim of some inescapable fate, created by odd brain chemistry or structure. Now I wonder if all the things I do are my choice. I wonder if all my issues of gender and sexuality exist only because I fed some small urge. Has all this grown from some stray thought? I think I can safely dismiss that.
I had a brief thought the other day while talking to my therapist. What is the point of dressing? My mind came back saying that it's appearance, to attract a mate. A brief possible answer, and then it faded. Is this some sexual fetish? Am I female in some part of my brain, homosexual, or just empathic enough to generate a totally false reality?
See how this thing eludes answers? It's like trying to grab a fish out of water. Well, I'm at least not agonizing over it.
I think I may be able to fulfill my duties as 'man of the house' and just use my 'play time' to be Lynn. It may end up being my only real pass-time due to time and money requirements. I can't help feel obligated to others regardless of my own desires. I guess that's a good thing.
Well, my nails are getting long, my hair is growing again, and I need to price disposable contacts. I've only got one pair left from my last perscription. It's either the contacts or go to the STLGF meetings squinting. Marci (of the STLGF) has graciously given me the location of a TG friendly wig shop with very reasonable prices.
Well, I guess that's all for tonight.
I guess maybe this diary has given you all the impression that I'm clearly female in most mental respects. The full truth should be known. I also have many stereotypically male interests. Most I guess are toward violence. I don't know if I was drawn toward these interests due to enjoying them , or because I felt a need to be dangerous, a need to be CAPABLE of injuring others, even if I didn't desire to. Anyway, I like guns, martial arts, weapons of most kinds. They interest me. I like high tech military toys. I can build a variety of bombs and ordinance from memory. Yeah, all this stuff is kind of morbid, and not real useful in day-to-day living, but I've had a fascination with it since childhood. However, the older I get the more I see this as a waste of my time and mental energy. Like I said, none of it is useful in day-to-day living. I guess all this may lead back to the anger issue.
You know, I got up early this Saturday because it felt like I needed to write something. Now I can't think of anything witty or philosophical to say. I feel like a bird trying to fly through a plate glass window. Something's stopping me and I'm not smart enough to figure out what, or even to stop banging my beak on the glass.
I usually feel like I'm acting the role of male. Like everything I do is a pantamime of a stereotype. Worse, I don't feel comfortable touching people. I feel like I'm invading their private space. I feel the same when people touch me (with a few exceptions). Sometimes I want to just hug someone without reserve, and I'm held back, especially with my male friends.
I was chatting with a TG person yesterday that was 15 and lived as a girl. I think it's really nice that she would be blessed with such knowledge so early in life. I'm almost twice that old, and I'm still wandering aimlessly. Sometimes it feels like a curse to be stuck here in between. If I became female, would I still feel like I was acting the part? Would I 'feel' female? I still feel obligated to my family to be the protector and provider. Where do my desires for self expression fairly overrule my obligations to my family? When do I get to be me?
Well, what could be more mentally disturbing to me than my whole gender issue? Today I had my second meeting with my new therapist. I really like her. We touched on a fragmental memory of childhood abuse. I told her it seemed very vague and not terribly reliable, but real nonetheless. I've talked to my sister, and she confirms having a similar incident happen to her. I think I was sexually assaulted when I was very young. Damn, well, there it is. I've just posted to the web something I've told three other people in my whole life. Every time I've tried to press that memory, it makes me want to curl into fetal position and shut down. I'm still sort of nausiated from thinking about it. There's a huge disassociation in my mind, because of the vagueness of the memory, but every time I touch on it, I get this overpowering sense of sadness and concern for this child-me that suffered this. And I think 'What kind of monster could do that?'
God, I'm still grieving for this poor
child in me. And angry. With no one to point the anger at. It just boils
and churns in a cauldron deep in me. Man, you know, sometimes I think I'm
right on the edge of being completely F**ked up! How did I get ANYWHERE
in life with all this extra baggage? Are most poeple dealing with all this
crap too? And sometimes I wonder why people turn out to be such monsters.
Well, I guess THEY were messed with too. And like ripples on a pond, the
sickness infected others, and spread, and grew. We don't need legends of
vampires, we have serial killers and rapists. I'm feeling really down on
the world right now. Sorry. Would a just and loving God let his creations
be raped, tortured, mutilated and left to be picked apart by scavengers?
I need to change the subject.
....
Just got back from my first session of electrolysis. It hurts. Alot. Especially on my ears (which are hairy, yuck). The cleft of my chin was cleared of hair, some on my cheeks, my neck, one just below my nose (which also hurt). Some weren't bad at all, but some were like bee stings. There's not much redness, except on my neck. The pain also subsided quickly. At least there's that.
I'm scheduled for another therapy session Tuesday and electrolysis Wednesday. Wow. That's a full week there. I won't be doing THAT very often.
I'm scheduled for a vacation week after next. I need it. I love my wife dearly, and we'll get to have some (rare) time alone, just the two of us. You might wonder how I can say I love my wife so much and still want to go through any kind of bodily alteration. Well, look. I didn't agree to marry her till I was sure we were friends. I hope at least that will continue through anything. One can hope. <SMILE>
I'm currently chatting with a friend of mine (a TS) who's going through marital problems. Her wife is seeing a man on the side. I can understand a woman wanting to break up a marriage if the husband changed sex. Heterosexual women would be pretty turned off I guess by TS's in transition. Something I may need to think about for the future.
Well, I replied to a message from a friend/Co-worker (Hi, MKH), then I read several messages from my sister, who has now joined the digital age (Hi, Anna-belle! <SMILE>). She wrote me a VERY sweet message. And Yes, sis, I do realize you're there for me. Sometimes I find it almost impossible to talk to people about my issues, whereas the written form allows me total freedom of expression. Sorry I haven't talked to you more about it. I just find it uncomfortable telling ANYONE, but I know you love me, and I hope you realize how much I love you, and how much I miss you.
4 PM;
I was lying there last night, trying
to sleep. I had taken a Paxil a couple
hours before, and my head was buzzing with that now-familiar rev it gets
after taking one, and something occurred to me. I am driven away from my
male side by the incident in my childhood. My early (rape) experience I
think has equated my penis with pain or the ability to inflict pain. More
like an object of punishment than pleasure. Now I need to determine how
much of my personal view of self has been altered by this previously unseen
connection.
Unfortunately, with that revelation comes the knowledge that it doesn't explain all my attraction to being female. I had the opportunity to just sit around the house in a dress last night. It made me happy. Not horney, not feeling 'sexy', it just felt correct. Even now, I look at my nails with clear coat on them, and think they'd look better in a pale pink. I think I'd still like to try hormoones just to find out if they make me feel more like I think I should.
Sometimes thinking about wearing women's clothing DOES excite me sexually. Sometimes it just feels like I'm allowing myself to be who I am. Can you be both transvestite AND transsexual? Maybe my sexuality shifts like mood or something. I'm tired, I need a nap. I've noticed the Paxil causes me to start yawning uncontrollably in the mid-afternoon, followed by a clear feeling of loss of energy in my legs, like they're about to collapse (though they never do). Ugh, anyway, more later.
7:20 PM;
I just got home from the movies. We
went to see 'The Sixth Sense'. It was a great movie. I need to go see it
again. Something in the quality of the young star reminded me of me. I
remember being that little boy, that scared outcast. The looks on his face,
his furrowed brow. The weight showing in his eyes. I remember.
We got home from the movie, and we all went to different bathrooms (nice having 3). I ended up in the basement, with this image of this boy, this child version of myself, and already worked up emotionally from the movie, it just sort of burst an emotional bubble. I was crying by the end of the movie. My stepson saw me and laughed. Another dagger. Another slap in the face. He doesn't know yet that he can show his emotions. He's only seen the macho representations his uncles have shown him. I'm sure I've even added to that stereotype for him. Well, anyway, I started crying from the movie. Then I ended up in the basement bathroom, and it just wouldn't stop. Even now my throat is tightening again. My eyes are burning, my nose is running and my chest hurts. I locked the door and cried. I'm expected to be this protector. I don't remember the group, but there's a verse in a song 'I cannot save you, I can't even save myself'. That's how I feel. I think this insecurity started very early, in the previously mentioned childhood incident. Then, as I grew up, I was small, with a wise mouth. I got beat up alot. Memories like that tend to last.
Hey all. Well, let's just dredge up ALL the unpleasant things in my past. Why not?!? Sounds like fun. Two last things I need to bring to light, my parents, and addiction. Not in any particular order. So..
The previous text that was written over
the next few days has now been moved to
'My Parents, Addiction,
and My Past'.
So...now what? I've laid out my whole life. What's left? A friend of mine asked what it was I planned to DO with this now. I don't know. I look at my growing nails, and I like them. I watch as patches of hair are electrolysized from my face, and the knowlege of the final outcome makes me happy. The Paxil has cut my sex drive, and it's made my life better. Everything seems right for once, except my marriage. I know what I'm doing will kill this marriage, and possibly end any relationship with my wife. That thought makes me very sad. She's only the second person I've really ever been in love with. She's my best friend. So I'm stuck either being unhappy as a male and keep my good relationship with my wife, or loose what happiness I have, and possibly gain none in return. Tough choice. I'm not much of a gambling person.
Sometimes I wish I were 'normal', whatever THAT means.
My wife told my stepson yesterday that I'm TS. He asked 'So, you want to be a girl?' Good question, maybe, I don't know. 'Are you gay?' Another good question. Gee, he pretty summed up the two questions I don't have answers for. I've been telling my close friends over the past week about 'Lynn'. All but two have responded. Several are very supportive. One is absolutely sure I'm making a horrible decision. All have been completely shocked. I'm debating whether or not to tell my brothers. Some of my game group and some of my Ohio friends remain to be told. I'm just too tired to push ahead with this now. Let me say this though. The support was much higher than I could have hoped for. Some of my friends have said they don't care what happens, they'd remain my friends. That's nice to know. Thanks all.
My wife and stepson were out this evening, and I had another chance to dress. Tried on two outfits. The Paxil has cut my sexual desire alomost completely off. What I'm doing when I dress now has little or no sexual content. It's just me trying to look different. I think I saw tonight some potential. I'd like to loose mass from my torso and arms. They're both too muscular to really pass. The hair is still an issue, but I feel confident that I can come up with something to wear before the September meeting of STLGF. You'll all be glad to know, I should then have pics posted.