Closer to fine
'I went to the doctor, I went to the
mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from
the fountain
There's more than one answer to these
questions
pointing me in a crooked line.
The less I seek my source for some
definitive
the closer I am to fine' -- Indigo
Girls
Well, Hi all. I'm back from my Vacation, which ended up being in the Smoky Mountains. Don't ask! <SMILE>. As you can tell, I'm alot less motivated to write so far this month.
Something of note, I did meet another local TG (Hi Aoi!) yesterday. She seems very nice (but also very nervous). I hope I clicked with her. I'd really like to have a friend in the local area I could actually meet with. Amber and I are still comunicating, and she is always a great source of comfort and knowlege, but she is not available for meeting face-to-face with me. I'd kind of like to meet with someone and go do 'girl' things with them, hair, make-up, nails, talk about clothes. I'm fairly free to dress how I wish at home now, and realized I don't have much of a wardrobe. <Sigh> Some times ya just can't win! <SMILE>
I go for electrolysis tomorrow after work. Zap---Ow!, zap---OW! Gee what fun! Many times recently I wish I could just stick my head in a microwave and get it all done at once. I understand laser treatment does a larger area at one time, but the cost is prohibitive. I've also noticed a growing desire to be rid of my 'male parts'. I think I'm pretty sure I'm destined for SRS. Wouldn't I feel more attached to those parts otherwise? I've dreamt of having them simply cut off in one fell swoop, but I know that's not practical or logical.
Ah, I'm weirding out, I'm giving up writing for the evening. G'night.
All the computers in the world seemed to survive the 9/9/99 rollover (As I suspect they'll survive the Y2K crap too). I'm feeling the Paxil wearing off (it seems to last about 14 hours now) and my nerves are starting to fray. I'm pissed and have the same old familiar pain under my collarbone. Damn. I'm going to be dependent on pharmasuticals the rest of my life.
I think I'm gonna go paint my nails, or shave my legs....or both.
It's funny, the voice inside me that tells me how wrong I am has returned with the fading of the Paxil. I spent several days walking in the mountains on vacation, looking for the answer to the question haunting me. Am I doing the right thing? Am I meant to change my sex, my gender? Am I doing it to be who I SHOULD be, or to fulfill some sexual fetish, the ultimate role-playing scenario? And now, with the dying of the anti-depressant, all my courage I've managed to bolster over the past weeks is being buffeted by storms of doubt.
Against the desire to get rid of that voice, I let it linger. I want to test my resolve, at least for now. There's no depression, yet. It's just a feeling that I really need to carefully examine this subject.
I've spent the week going to the bathroom sitting down. Two days this week, I've worn female underwear to work. I've done this before, but it had no sexual content this time. When I'm on the Paxil, I no longer become erect, except when I wake up in the morning. I take showers in the morning and find that my genetaila seem out of place. I don't really want them. I don't want to be a man, but I'm too scared to change. When I'm on the medication, the fear is eleviated, not completely, but enough to make progress.
Well, I'm wimping out. I'm taking the med and relaxing this evening. I've decided I'm doing my nails, something with quick results, and easily undone. Good night all.
Hi all. Just making some updates. Added pics to TOC. Gotta go...
Later that day...
Uh... Well, my wife and I just got back from a walk. We discussed divorce. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. I feel sick. God, I'd hoped she'd be supportive to some degree. I understand she doesn't want to live with a woman, but she doesn't want her family and neighbors to know her husband is queer I guess. She doens't want to be embarrassed by the glances and the rumors. She doesn't want her son to have to put up with that kind of social pressure. Sometimes life sucks! This is one of those times. I feel like I've been deserted. She wants six months notice before I start hormones, so she can get into a better financial situation and we can set up the divorce.
I didn't expect this to be easy. I just didn't expect this to happen so soon and from someone so close.
Now, confession time. Sunday, when Aoi came over to take pictures, I was trying to seduce her. She just looked so good, so sweet. And I felt like I was, if not beautiful, at least pretty. At least desirable. It was wrong. She's too inexperienced and vulnerable emotionally. I'm also married. Luckily, nothing really came of it. I still feel guilty.
Not as much coming out of my head this month. I think alot of what's going THROUGH it is same old, so I don't want to rehash. I'm confused, conflicted, and relatively insecure about myself right now. I think I'm trying to reach out emotionally and when I do, it seems to always have a sexual tone in my mind. I'm going over to Aoi's tomorrow, and I hope I can behave myself. I feel like this is really a test of will.
My sister has been writing me, and she seems sort of into me becoming a girl. She said she thinks I've always been one. <Sigh> I remember a lady walking up to me and my mother when I was probably three and saying 'What a pretty daughter you have!' I WANT to be called pretty. I WANT to have people turn their heads when I walk by. I have had exactly one person ever hit on me, at a now-closed bar called the Front Page during my first outing. It was a very drunk gay male, but I was nevertheless FLATTERED!
I'm just SO affraid of the physical violence that may befall me. Being 'sensative' as a child, the beatings I took from school bullies did more psychological harm than physical. I just want to be allowed to cry or hug, or whatever. Wear skirts, pick flowers. Damn. I've been off the Paxil again, and I just heard the familiar voice in the back of my head, 'You are SUCH a faggot!' God, I wish I could find that voice and permanently silence it.
Things are at least stable with my wife and I. It seems to me somehow like a charade. I'm acting the part of dutiful husband, while wearing panties. God, there goes the voice again. 'You're a fucking sick freak'. SHUT UP! I'm SICK of this! Why can't I just BE who I AM??? What's so wrong with THAT?
Great...now I'm crying... hold on.
And just like THAT, my stepson comes in and I put on the male mask, turn off the emotions. I feel the cold stone of that persona, I hate it. I don't want to be him anymore, not for a moment. I don't want my dick. I don't want my balls. I think I'm suffering from testosterone poisoning.
I'm down to 168 lbs., as of this morning. I had a turkey sandwich and salad for lunch and felt like a cow! My target weight is 155. I may try for lower. I came out of basic at 137, so I know my body could handle that weight. We'll see. Funny what I'm capable of when there's a driving desire. I went through my Air Force career struggling to maintain 172, now I feel motivated to get rid of all the excess me, in preparation for starting hormone treatment. I just ought to commit, mentally. I've been mulling it over since the seventh grade. You'd think I'd get the clue.
Maybe I'll write more tonight.
Oh, remind me to talk about my sexuality next time.
Friday evening I felt some mental resistance finally give way. I gave up trying to be the old me. In a way, he died, but left (hopefully) all the best of himself behind for me, Lynn. It's weird. It all seemed do clear that night. I was off the Paxil and feeling very depressed. I went for a walk to the store. The old question popped up. 'Am I ever going to be happy as a man', and the mental magic 8-ball came up with a new answer, 'No'. I wanted to kill myself, instead, I had a mental death. 'He' died, leaving only 'her'. That was two days ago.
Saturday Aoi and I went out to a goodwill store and she got about 25 dollars worth of stuff. In return for the shoes I picked up for her, she got me a really cool crushed velvet dress. Eheheheheeeee. It's So cute. I'll have to get pics of me in it. I may wear it to the STLGF meeting. I don't know.
Yesterday, my wife and I went to a wedding of a friend of hers. I got all dressed up, and had the odd impression that I was in male drag. VERY odd. The evening was pretty nice.
My brother arrived Last night while we were at the wedding, and being tired, went to sleep before we returned. We had a nice visit this morning, but I was hoping to bring up the gender issue with him, and never got the chance. <Sigh> I would have prefered to tell him in person.
A friend of mine from Ohio came in this morning just as my brother was leaving. I had told him several years ago that I was TV. At the time that was all I knew. He, my wife, and I went for a walk and discussed the issue. It was good for me to get the opposing viewpoint. I got all confused in my brain again and ended up trying to take a nap. Skip the next paragraph if you're likely to be offended by odd sex acts...
My wife came in and we messed around. After she 'got off' I asked her to use a phalic object to penetrate me anally. This is something I had discovered I liked some long time ago. She did, and when I became erect again, she remounted, and had a second orgasm. I loved the feeling of being penetrated, but it's always seemed not quite right to me. I still haven't had an orgasm having sex with her for some time. <sigh> It's blocked at the brain, it seems.
I wonder if ANYONE has ever disclosed this much of their personal life before? Probably. Who knows?
So, I've been wearing female underwear all week. It feels fine and very natural. I've been watching out to try to cover any fem traits I may let slip at work.
I don't know if I mentioned, I cut my nails and stripped the clear coat the day after my first tough conversation with my wife. I did it as a peace offering to her. I think it helped some. I'm not just trying to throw away our marriage here. If there's a way to keep it, salvage it through this, I'll find it. Regardless, I want whatever transition I go through to hurt her as little as possible. There's no way I can NOT hurt her at all.
Checked this morning after breakfast. I weigh 168 still. I wonder how much I'll weigh in the morning? I think 155 is a good reasonable and attainable goal.
My friend from Ohio is sleeping on the Futon in the basement. He's staying for dinner, then hitting the road for Colorado. Wednesday, two more of my friends show up from Ohio. It seems I've caused them all some concern. I'm glad to see they care, but it kinda sucks that it took 'coming out' to get their lazy asses to come visit! (LAUGH)
Well, I've got another session of therapy tomorrow, wish me luck.
Two more friends came in from Ohio the other night. I stayed up too late talking to them. I've got a meeting of the STLGF tomorrow. I'm (as usual) confused about things right now. I think there are exactly two things holding me back from going into transition: fear and my wife. Some moments I feel completely certain that this change is the right thing, and some times I feel like I'm just insane for even considering it. What I have in my life is so obvious and tangible. I REALLY love my wife. She is definately the best thing in my life right now, really the only thing I know I'll loose that I feel remorse over. We've been together for about six years, and married for two. Other than my not wanting to be male, our relationship is excellent. But that single extraordinarily bizzaar thing is driving a wedge between me and the woman who has been my lover and best friend for six years. I hate being trapped here, and I hate inflicting this on her too. What's the solution?
My emotions are everywhere. Even the Paxil isn't helping. My focus is shot. I'm just so tired. I never knew I could take such psychological pressure. If I survive this, I'll be indestructable! (SMILE) My mind will be a fortress of big-brained indominable will! Yea varily! Okay, enough of THAT!