03-Jan-00
Um, that's the year 2000! Wow. Well. My life has become clear. I had a birthday. I celebrated New Year in Ohio with my friends from childhood. I spent time with my sister. I staggered, slurred, and generally wept in front of my dear friend CL.

I had a deep and profound realization that I am, without a doubt, transsexual. I will be happier female than I am now. I came home Sunday evening flying westward into the beautiful setting sun, with a cloudscape that was just breathtaking. I arrived home, had dinner with my SO and step-son, had birthday cake, spoke of divorce. The word rings, doesn't it? It sounds bad to me.

I made a new years' resolution. I resolved to stop hating myself. I think I can succeed in this. I felt SWISHY all day. I felt totally female. I feel, in many ways, Lynn was born Sunday. It felt good. Thanks, B.Y.  Kiss-kiss

I've been unable to get on the web with any speed, so I think I'll wrap this up and give one last shot at getting ICQ up and running.

Love to you all. Good night.

05-Jan-00
Good evening all. I've spent the week feeling 'swishy', very comfortable with my femme attributes. I am almost through the guilt (I hope) of being femme. I love it, dancing, swaying my hips, pouting, throwing my hair back, the posture, the intonation, ... God, everything. I feel like a girl.

I am discussing via electronic means my holiday weekend with my online friends... much giggling included. I feel gossupy! I feel... released from a great weight. I know the truth, I like men...sexually. I love all different types of people, I could snuggle, pet, tickle, anyone I think, but I believe I'm interested in sex with men. Hmm. Imagine that!?!

When all thinking is done, and there is only doing left, I understand what I am. I also understand I need to stop worrying about all the 'why's of life, and get on with living.

I need to drop the MJ. It's sapping my energy. Another high to accept another cop-out excuse for existance. I need to be ... everything I can be.  I feel like I'm about to erupt, expand into the new skin, as my old one is shuffled off. Sitting at the point, like the moment the chain stops clanking on the first hill of a great roller-coaster. I know something exciting is about to happen... (smile). I am... becoming.

When all the bullshit is set aside, when I know I'm living to fulfil what I was supposed to be. I feel like I can reach escape velosity from the lies I was told, the role I was forced into. I feel I may achieve something few achieve. I may be able to live completely without a mask. Wow, wouldn't that be wonderful?

09-Jan-00
Wow. Really, wow. I spent almost the whole weekend with no negative thought toward myself. Ahhh!! How nice. I went over to the Central West End today, spent about an hour and a half looking at the neighborhood, getting numbers for apartments, etc. Then, at 12:30, I had a GREAT lunch with a local TS, a great lady I met at the St. Louis Gender Foundation. Our fate seems to be bringing us into one another's worlds. Hi S, thanks for a great day, a day that made me happy. That's been all too rare in recent past!

I worry about my friends. It seems like people give up on each other too easily, like we're all expecting the people in our life to be like pristine, polished statues, instead of the asymetrical, flawed, reality we are. Aren't faces more interesting if the nose is just slightly bent?

11-Jan-00
White space...frightening.

Being alone...  I feel my marriage falling apart. My SO and I sat last night in a room together for several awkward, silent minutes between brief statements. I sometimes wonder if she really ever loved me, or just saw me as a piece of her model of a perfect life.  I slept alone for the first time in a long time in my house. I know I won't be alone forever, but still, the fear remains. I guess maybe it always will.

You know, I think I can handle the divorce. I know I can handle losing my job, I MAY be able to handle coming out, but I KNOW I can't handle all of them at once. Please, God, let the job hold out through the transition. If it doesn't, I'll just ... lose it completely!

I feel like I understand now what I need to do, and that I need to get my shit together for the future. I'm pretty unprepared. I need a wardrobe. I need to learn all the skills for being female. I need to get a life.

I DO understand that how I look is not nearly so important as how I carry myself. I have a logical understanding that I can't let the opinion of others keep me from what I know is right. Knowing that and actually LIVING it are two different things. The opinions, the looks, the snide comments WILL hurt me. They always have.  I need to get over that.

I want to go out somewhere, in public, dressed. I think I'm ready. I wish I knew someone willing to escort me though. I'd feel safer then.

I spent a couple hours walking around the Central West End Sunday morning. I'm thinking about getting an apartment there. Or, maybe I'll share a place with another TS/TV from the STLGF. I just don't want to waste my money on rent... and I don't want to be alone.

Well, in the past few days I have successfully fought back dark moods twice! I think I may finally have beaten the self-depreciating voice. Hurray! (smile)

So far, the new millenium (yeah, I know it doesn't REALLY start till next year) has been pretty good for me! Oh-blah-de Oh-blah-da Life goes on, ra!

Okay, one last thing...for now: How does anyone KNOW if they're insane? Aren't we all making decisions based on insufficient data and faulty assumptions? Knowing that we're not omnipotent, doesn't assuming we're EVER right just smack of egotism? And, knowing we're NOT right, how do we ever make a decision in good conscience? I don't think we can. So, we are trapped either in a state of inaction, or we do our best, and pray for forgiveness of our ignorance.  Someone may read this in the future and wonder how I could EVER make such a decision, how I could think myself right in this matter. I don't KNOW I'm right though. I'm going on gut instinct. I'm acting on, for lack of a better word, faith. In the absence of material proof, I am left to follow my heart. My heart tells me to go to Venus!

19-Jan-00
There is in me a terrible frightening knowledge that my life is in a state of change. GREAT change. I think I should be more stressed than I am. The emotional burden is not in making the change, but in accepting what I am. Everything else falls behind that one truth. Someone recently told me God does not make mistakes. I, therefore, am not a mistake, regardless of what I've been told or led to believe. I'm firmly settled on that now, but to accept that means accepting that I am part of a design created by an intelligence with purpose. That doesn't always set easy with me, but I accept it for now.

Accepting myself. That's been the hard part. I have not been on a path of understanding myself. I've known for a long time who and what I am. I've just been utterly unwilling to accept it. I was fighting this all my life, wanting so badly to be something I'm not. Wanting so desperately to be 'normal', I fooled myself. I lied to myself, mostly by not allowing myself to feel what I should have. I don't think I was ready then. I think I am now. Either way, it's too late to turn back. Once you see the truth, you can't hide from it.

It's true, you know? You shouldn't go looking for answers if you don't like what you'll find. I found the truth. I can't hide from it, or deny it any more. I can't speak to what motivates transgendered folks. I can only speak of my own experience, my own life. I should have understood earlier, but perhaps I DID understand, at some level, and perhaps the denial was a safety mechanism, keeping me from pushing too far too fast. Who knows?

21-Jan-00
Good day all. I had a weird dream last night involving a FTM I met at the last StLGF meeting. I also found out that he's older than I thought, only two years younger than me. A peer! That's rare. I say that because most of the folks at the StLGF are at least mid thirties. I think many people dealing with gender dysphoria get into a life where they feel obligated to stay in their gender role, and don't really explore themselves until mid thirties to about 50. That's a lot of life to live feeling you're in the wrong body.

I guess I'm lucky in many ways. Events conspired to allow my relatively early emergence. I wonder where my life will take me when I've completed becoming who I really am?

I hope it eventually goes to Casa Mel in Mexico. I hear there are exquisite corral reefs there. I want to dive them some day. I also dream of swimming with basking sharks. I first learned of these creatures when I was very young (1st or 2nd grade) and have been fascinated with them since. Oh, if you didn't know, I am open water SCUBA certified. I got the certification a couple years ago. One of my dreams in life was to SCUBA dive. I actually find snorkeling almost as satisfying, and I'm sure in clear tropical waters with something really beautiful to look at, it would be wonderful.

Some day I'd like to hang glide. Flying is another lifelong dream, and hang gliding is as close as I can imagine getting.

Maybe I'll be lucky enough for space travel to become commercially viable in my life time. Microgravity sounds like lots of fun! Maybe...some day...

It's funny. An author wrote a negative article on transsexuals saying that they should give up their childish dreams and face reality. I just read a list of quotes though, with the following:

We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.
--The Buddha

I think I'll take the Buddha's view. I can, through my thoughts, change the world, regardless of how many people think I'm crazy, or how many people tell me I'm a dreamer. I AM a dreamer. Our dreams are our wishes, and why NOT fulfil our wishes? Why live miserable lives in squalid conditions when our dreams show us a better place? Even failing to complete a dream doesn't make the effort pointless. We may build the mountain of human knowledge just high enough for the NEXT dreamer to succeed where we failed. It is honestly NOT the destination, but making the journey, that makes us who we are. If I died today, I would at least pass on knowing I am in pursuit of what's right.

Ladies and gentlemen, PLEASE do not take the advice of miopic failures that insist that since THEY gave up on their dreams, everyone should. I feel empowered. I feel again that I can change the world. That's a good feeling. I believe that I am on the right path now.

Every now and then, when I've gone hiking, I'd lift my eyes from the rugged trail, and for a moment appreciate the marvelous place to which my feet had taken me. That's how I feel now. Like looking out over a beautiful mountain valley, I now pause, and take in the view of where I am. It's an amazing feeling. There is more work ahead, but I'm sure the view is well worth it! (smile)

I frequently forget what passes from my brain and out of my fingers into text, or if I've written something to a friend or in my diary. Sorry about that! I am not the towering intellect I wish I were. My mind frequently derails its train of thought. It miscalculates frequently. I usually think things through several times to make sure I didn't screw up the logic the first time. Sanity checks. The point I guess, is I hope you, the reader,
will forgive me if I repeat or omit. It's not intentional.

Not much left to say... I'm really excited about starting HRT. I've dreamt off and on throughout the past 16 years of having a graceful female figure. I want to start right now. I can be patient though. I guess I don't have a lot of choice. I felt my last session of therapy was very good. I felt like I discussed what I needed to and stated what was on my mind. I brought up HRT with my therapist and she wants to wait a few months. I'm excited. REALLY excited about the prospect of transforming my body to match my mind. There have been a few occasions where I've had this feeling like 'What the hell do you think you're doing?' pop up in my head... like panic. Then, I realize I should be going this way. I NEED to go there. It's just who I am. I'm tired of the mirror reflecting back a man when I never FEEL like a man. I'm tired of the bullshit bravado, of acting tough or brave when I feel weak and frightened.

I am fairly excited about the prospect of buying a bra. Does that sound dumb? It's a piece of clothing to me most closely associated with a female identity. I guess what excites me is the prospect of NEEDING one. (SMILE) I've been waiting for the right puberty for 16 years. It may be just on the horizon.

I have also considered getting my testicles removed. I NEVER want to be a father. EVER! I have no real need for them. They'll just affect my hormone therapy. Ugh. The problem is I don't think any doctors would perform the operation, and certainly my medical insurance won't cover it! (sigh)

I wonder how much change I'll notice in my treatment when I change genders? I'll have to stop holding doors for people, I guess.

Hey, Kevin Mitnick is scheduled for release from prison today! Good luck dude! If you're not into computers, you probably don't know what I'm talking about.

23-Jan-00
I dreamed of jedi knights, zen buddhish monks, and being surrounded by destruction, but somehow avoiding death, and struggling toward understanding. Then, after being startled awake by shocking scenes of death in th dream, I was unable to go back to sleep. I was filled with a sense that the world was in chaos, and that I had, through some accident of good furtune, been permitted some pearl of wisdom. Just the tiniest grain of truth. What a gift. Is this what all the pain of my life has given me? Some small hope of understanding? Some chance of true salvation?

After waking, I turned on the TV, and watched another segment of the movie 'Pulp Fiction'. I find it funny that some people see nothing but coarse language and graphic violence in it. The section I watched this morning was 'The Gold Watch'. It rang with the notions spinning through my head of a violent and chaotic world, where we struggle for some redemption. Bruce Willis finding 'Grace' at the end... too perfect. Some times things click, you know? And some times they tick!

I've been rereading a 12-issue comic book series called 'Watchmen'. It stands up to multiple readings well. It is one of the most intense stories I have ever read. Don't let the notion of comic format fool you. It is a deep and complex piece. A relevent quote from it -- 'Looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever, and we are alone. Live our lives lacking anything better to do. Devise reason later. Born from oblivion, bear children, hellbound as ourselves, go into oblivion. There is nothing else. Existance is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose...  Was reborn then, free to scrawl own design on this morally blank world.' Again, it draws into some collection of thoughts which seem to be like a great sign, pointing me to some higher understanding.

Funny that we can watch science fiction movies, or violent film noir and pull from it relevence. We can ponder teachings of the Zen masters or read comic books, and both can show us some sliver of the truth behind the curtain of superficial.

I attended a lecture last night on the art of Zen masters. They had a wonderful and earthy sense of humor. I know the spiritual 'flavor' of my dream last night was due to the lecture. I think, perhaps, that these wise men ask unanswerable questions to cause us to think, to assign our own values to things, and maybe to show us our own foolishness and arrogance. I guess the Zen masters do not spout answers, because they know they themselfves are fools just as blind as the rest, but have accepted that they ARE fools, and then laugh merrily at the great jest.

The answer to the mysteries of the universe are in each pebble, and the voice of God is no louder in a temple than in a gutter. We are fools and we are blind. Don't follow me. Don't ask me for answers. I haven't found answers, only harder questions, and the great rapture one feels when they understand that's all there is. Behind each paradox, each conundrum, we find a greater mystery, and you either go mad from being trapped in a laberynth, or you scale a wall of the maze, and laugh when you see that it goes on forever in all directions. That's all there is! So, we live.

It's 7:48 AM, Sunday morning. I think I'll take a walk! (smile)

25-Jan-00
My perscription for Paxil runs out in 2 days, and the doctor that perscribed it has left the state! Ack! It's gonna be REAL BAD if I run out. I've tried to contact two other doctors. I hope one of them comes through.

I visited an FtM friend last night, and we talked at some length. Hi, NB! New friends! (smile) How nice!

I think I said something to create some bad feelings though with some other friends. (sigh) I don't know when to keep my mouth shut. I have felt so free to speak what's on my mind lately, I've sort of lost my ability to filter when I should. I am, in many ways, reliving my puberty. New and strange social experiences. Many people in emotionally vulnerable places. Finally coming to feel comfortable in my own body. I wonder how soon HRT will start reshaping it?

26-Jan-00
Whew. Got ahold of my primary care physician to refill my Paxil perscription. Good thing. I was getting nervous. I am so TOTALLY wanting to start HRT. (sigh) Patience...

Sent an e-mail to a prospective roommate today. Hope something comes of that soon. I feel like things are really happening fast now. Kinda making my head spin. Think I'll work on some art now. Bye!

30-Jan-00
Went over to NB's place last night. I think I need to not go much farther with that. I don't know if I'm what he needs in life, and I don't want to string him on. I care for him, but right now, I feel like I'm being drowned in the gender world. I'm confused, and vulnerable, and don't want to hurt anyone in my blind stumbling.

I spent the afternoon with DB, at the mall. She's a 21yo TS... very passable, and upbeat. We discussed the possibility of getting an apartment together.

God, my head is spinning and my emotions are all churned up. My ISP doesn't work, I think I have a corrupt configuration file or something. So, I'm stuck without internet connection for now. (Grrr)

I don't know the cause, but I can feel myself sliding into depression again. I think it's my SO. All our exchanges lately have been bad. I hate coming home now. I hate facing her, and her anger. I KNOW what I'm doing is hurting her. It hurts me to DO it to her, but I have to. I HAVE to know if this is right. I'm living a lie and it's killing me. I want to start HRT, and get on with my REAL life, the one that should have been all along.

Am I fucked up? I don't know, but really, who is to judge? Watch those planks, people!

31-Jan-00
I'm about to start my next month of diary! Wow, I've written a lot! This is more than I've ever put out (stop snickering!) before.

Just reread some of the past entries. Things with my SO are doing better. Really, I must give her credit for being very mature about this. I know she's hurt, but (mostly) she's handling this very well. It's like a knife in my belly knowing what I'm doing to her, but living this lie was killing me, literally. I was thinking about that this morning, driving to work, how messed up I was 7 months back, imagining driving into a concrete support pillar to end my wretched existance. Sad. I think things have improved, and I've faced some hard truths. I've given up on trying to make other people happy with who I am. Sad that I have to lose people I love just to be myself. I hope they come back. Everyone I've told is important to me. It's strange that I feel bad, but not REAL bad about it. I think because for the first time, I am somewhat happy with myself. Every now and then I catch myself day dreaming and smiling. It's really nice, enjoying occasional moments. Some day, I hope that the moments are more often than not enjoyable.

I considered having my wedding ring bent into an infinity symbol and put on a chain, then engraved with 'nothing is forever, nothing ever ends'. I don't know if it's a good reminder, or a morbid action. Gotta go, the ICQers are swamping me!

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