I love her, I care about her well-being, but I've got a divorce barrolling down my throat, and can't deal with this shit right now.
I pulled a loan from my retirement savings today to pay for legal fees of the divorce. I felt a sharp sting of pain today, thinking about ending my mariage. I wish there was some assurance that I am doing the right thing. Life's not so kind.
Damn, divorce, therapy session, Aoi. It's been a bad day. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.
02-Feb-00
Talked to Aoi last night,
sorta patched things up... I hope. She's SO down... all the time... Wish
I could help.
The apartment thing is heavy
on my mind. Lots to get together. Need moneys! Lotsa!!
Please send all contributions
to 69 Mommaneedsakoochy Drive. ..... (laugh)
03-Feb-00
First off, Fall Harvest
2000, right here in St. Louis! http://www.transgender.org/stlgf/FH2000.html
07-Feb-00
I thought, after rereading
the last couple entries that perhaps I am working on becoming a haughty
BITCH! I need to be more understanding of Aoi. I need to be there emotionally.
Ugh! Paxil's ability to kill my sex drive
has died off. I'm sexually frustrated beyond belief. Aoi and NB came over
Saturday night. Dinner was Cheap frozen pizza and Coka-cola. Mmmm, healthfood
night! (smile). We watched 'Austin Powers'.
I had a pretty good time all-in-all.
My SO and I made love after Aoi and NB left. That was WEIRD. I was feeling frustrated and so very much in need of being touched. ...Gotta go for now.
XX-Feb-00
Hmm. Well I ended up getting
into an argument with my therapist last night. She's holding me up on HRT,
and I'm tired of it. I need to know if the HRT
will get rid of my pointless anger. If it does, I can get off the Paxil,
and hopefully got my mental focus back. Right now, I feel like I'm thinking
through mud.
Is she motivated by money or by concern for my well-being? Who can tell? Humans learn the usefulness of lies. And while I have gotten along with her in the past, I question her motivations now. How can I continue therapy with someone I don't completely trust? Worse, I KNOW I can't start HRT without the letter from her. Or, more accurately, from SOME mental healthcare professional.
I fear this past session may have killed our working relationship. Is it time to find therapist number four? Sigh. This sucks.
In all honesty, she's never seen me dressed. She can't actually determine if I'm TS or messed up from talking to me? This isn't a game of dress-up for me. This isn't about clothing. Right now, it's about pointless aggression, mental focus, and libido.
I'm sitting here, just below the boiling point. I feel like biting someone's nose off. My life frequently sucks. This is one of those times.
It's times like this, when there's no solutions in sight, only pain and confusion in all directions, that I wonder why I bother. Is it ever going to pay off? Will all this crap eventually lead me to happiness?
My face itches from the electro. It's really annoying to have an itch that's an eighth of an inch under the surface.
My SO (at least for the next
45 days) told me I just need to make it to tomorrow. Every day I just need
to make it to the next. Wow, that ought to be a bumper sticker. (fake smile).
17-Feb-00
Wow, been a while since
I last wrote. I have the downpayment on my new apartment. It's right in
the center of the Central West End, near the intersection of Maryland and
Euclid. Very kewl neighborhood. 540 square feet. I think I can handle that.
My SO and I went out yesterday and bought a futon for my new place. They'll
hold it 'till I move in. I came home and we divided glassware. It's happening.
I really had the sense today that it hurt horribly doing this, but that
made it no less necessary. Curse the Fates! (laugh)
18-Feb-00
Hmm. I somehow completely
forgot to mention that I got pissed at my therapist and went off on her
Tuesday. Hmm. Interesting (Note that the entry XX-FEB-00 was added after
this writing). I feel like shit at this point. Am I beginning to drive
others away? Do I want to separate from the whole to go die? God, Lynn,
hold this shit together. I was warned about my slipping work performance
at work. I feel like a tower of cards about to topple. Down they fall,
the wife, the job, the support of friends... gone... just a tiny gust of
fate would start it all. God Damn, I don't want to die miserable, I don't
want to die, PERIOD, but alas, I am but mortal... person. (dry laugh).
I don't feel like I'm insane, but this stress is driving me there!
I picked up the keys to my apartment and began moving in. Several friends have helped quite a bit, and I appreciate it. Thanks DB and Aoi!!
I guess I wanted to say that last night I packed my books and bookshelves and was feeling really unfairly treated by the fates. I thought my love for my SO would purge this gender dysphoria crap. I hoped, I PRAYED I could just be normal. Maybe get a job doing graphic art stuff somewhere. I don't know. It's not like this kills any chance I have of ever being happy. It just puts serious kinks in my life for a while.
Why this? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? This shit isn't funny. It's tough. It's painful. I have had a full share of crap lately, and there's no end in sight. The torment is physical AND psychological. Some days, I feel like I'm indestructible, and others I feel like a light breeze would shatter my façade of togetherness.
I told my boss yesterday, here's my 'outing' letter:
{Boss's Name},
I know the minute I walk
in here I'm going to lock up, frozen in fear of
discussing what I need to
discuss.
You know I've been seeing
a therapist and have been on an anti-depressant.
Now is the time I disclose
why. I would agree usually that it shouldn't
concern you, but this is
an unusual circumstance. Let me cut to the chase.
I was suffering from severe
depression because I have a condition known as
Gender Dysphoria, or Gender
Identity Dysphoria. There are medical and
anatomical reasons for this.
It cannot be 'cured' and I am faced with the
option of living constantly
unhappy, or rectifying the problem. After much
work in accepting myself
and the facts of my life, I chose to face this
issue head on. What that
means is I am in the process of transitioning
genders. I am what is commonly
known as a transsexual.
What does this mean to you
and {Company Name}? I will continue to work and
present myself as male for
as long as I can, but there will be a point in
the next couple months (6
or so) where I will frequently be mistaken for
female. There will be a
point where I will transition to living full time as
a female. This is a requirement
of the mental healthcare professionals as a
prelude to Gender Reassignment
Surgery, commonly called sex change surgery.
At the point of living full
time as female, I will be requesting a legal
name change, and presenting
myself as female all the time. That is the
problem. Here are the specific
issues involved:
1. {Compan's Name}'s acceptance.
Regardless of the problems this may
cause in my interpersonal
relationships, I need to know if {Company's Name}
will support this decision
of mine. If in any way I am not wanted by the
'command structure' of this
company, I am willing to move on. I wish to
maintain my position here,
and I am willing to redeem my standing as a
productive employee. As
you may now understand, regardless of trying to
separate my personal life
and professional life, this issue has pretty much
thrown me into a tailspin
for quite some time. The problems I have faced are
all cleared now, except
my relationship with my employers. Gender
Reassignment is a fairly
lengthy and costly process, and I want to ensure I
have stable employment.
2. Restrooms. At the point
of transitioning to full-time female, I will
not be using the men's restroom
anymore. I do not wish to disturb women in
this building who may feel
uncomfortable with me entering the female
restroom, but there are
no gender neutral restrooms in this building. Either
I need to be assured I have
fair legal access to the ladies room, or a
facility needs to be re-assigned
to be gender neutral (open to both sexes).
So far, I have lost the support
of the majority of my family, many of my
friends, and my wife. My
life has taken a brutal pounding from this. I am
now faced with the prospect
of losing stable employment. I need to know the
company's stance. If {Company's
Name} wishes me to part, I will. I like my
position here, and believe
I will soon return to a highly productive mode,
when the largest of the
Gender issues are resolved. This issue has required
painfully slow testing,
both mental and physical. I have tried to decrease
the impact of these tests
on my work, but have not been entirely successful.
Once my life settles down,
my temper will no longer be an issue, and my
mental clarity will be increased.
I am now able and willing to work any
number of hours in support
of this company's goals. I only need to know if I
am wanted. If not, I understand,
and will begin looking for another
position.
If the company wishes to
keep me as an employee, I will schedule a briefing
for the rest of the employees
by a mental healthcare specialist on
transsexuality before I
show up as a female. I also have reasonable
resources for education
on the subject. I want the other employees to know
what this condition is,
and eradicate any misconceptions about it. If there
is anything I can do, any
information or help I can provide to ease the
confusion and stress this
issue can cause, please ask.
L.W.
So... There it is. My boss sent this to HIS boss, and so on, up the corporate ladder, to the president of the company, all in less than one business day. I must say I'm impressed. Now... I sit and wait. I have found the worst of this process is when something sits in someone else's hands. It's only the point at which I am no longer in control that I start feeling crappy. I went this route because I wanted to ensure I was supported in this before I transitioned and found myself unemployed. My electrologist (Hi RK) has continually said that stable employment is very critical to this whole process. I agree.
It's funny, you know? I thought I'd feel more bad about ditching my therapist, but the longer I think about it, the more certain I am I did the right thing. It's also somehow empowering to know I have the guts to take control and make changes when I'm not happy with something. Ironic that only in pursuit of my feminine identity have I found the ability to be forceful. Ha! Oh, glorious irony!
What's left to do? I have cleared the way to become a female, now there is only the doing left. Skin care, hair care, wardrobe, speech, ... makeup... ugg. What else?
I may be doing some medical illustrations in Macromedia Flash for a doctor. That might be the perfect opportunity for sideline employment. I'm also working on other web stuff.
I'm considering starting a role playing game group, probably with a lot of 'T' folks in it, perhaps ALL 'T' folks. Who knows? I'm feeling a severe need for an RPG fix.
Maybe I'll go scope the local game shop at lunch. Ah, it's prolly a waste of time and money at this point. I've got a couple functioning game systems anyway. Looks like I'll continue being a geek regardless of gender, huh?