This epersode opens in Hillbilly Honky's Hellacious Honky Tonk with Xener buyin' all the fellers a round o' dranks an' promisin' 'em a good ol' time after the bar shuts down. (Ooops! Sorry..... *that* show wuz inna 5th season.) *TG*

Xener sees some PRO-feshunal wrasslers that she recognizes from her bawdy days, an' she wants to know whut the fark they're doin' all confligated together in this sleezy hangout. One of 'em by the name o' Nascar sez they've met up to figger out how to kick Ares's butt... since Ares is now a mere mortar.

Next thang ya know, we see ol' leather britches hisself walkin' down a dirt road carryin' a fishin' pole, whistlin' the theme from "The Andy Griffith Show." A dwarf called Ferdy jumps outta nowheres an' sez he's gonna kill Ares. Butt Xener an' Gab show up jest inna nick o' time an' Xener gits rid o' Ferdy real quick-like by threatenin' to change him from a banny-rooster to a hen with jest one lil' swipe o' her round killin' thang.

Xener warns ol' Ares that he's got a pricetag hangin' on his head (just like Cuzzin' Minnie Pearl) an' that he's gonna have to @$$ume a new indentititty. From now on, he's gonna be ol' McAres an' he's gonna have alllllll the farm animals he kin handle. An' franklee, Ares is tickled pank with this news, cuz he ain't been too populer with the ladies since becomin' mortar.

Xener sez she's got the purrfect place fer Ares to hide out: her granpappy's shack in Hooterville.

The next scene is plum heart-warmin'. Ares sits onna porch swattin' flies an' pickin' his tooth with a stick, an' Xener an' Gabby jiggle around in Daisy Duke shorts dancin' to the tune o' "Alla My Ex's Live in Texas."

A man-haungry neighbor gal named Reba comes by to flirt with Ares in the guise o' borrowin' a cup o' lard. Ares fancies Reba, an' noticin' from the way she rattles her trap, he figgers her brawzeer size is prolly higher than her I.Q. (An' bein' a typicul MAN, that's jest the way he likes his women.) *TG*

Inna meantime, Xener heads to the nearby race track/warlard camp to inform ol' Nascar that she's gonna brang him Ares' head roasted onna platter with turnip greens an' cornbread onna side. Nascar sez he don't need Xener's help an' that he kin do that hisself. Xener proudly sez NOPE; her garden prodooced the only decent mess o' turnip greens in the whole county.

Back on granpappy's farm, Gabby an' Ares sit in front of a cracklin' far roastin' wienies, an' marshmellers an' Gabby tells him she's much obliged fer him givin' up his morality to save her an' Eve. Ares jest stuffs another marshmeller in his mouth an' sez he did it only fer Xener. (Then he sez he could kick his own @$$ fer savin' Eve cuz he's been gettin' hate mail from the show's fans ever since...)

Alla sudden Xener comes in, an' the rain' starts to pourin' in thru the holes inna roof, so they decide to head their wagons west an' hit the hay inna only dry bedroom inna house.

Problem is - there's only one bed, an' this is where I got cornfuzed.

Xener 'n Gabs are sole-mates, rite? They've done blabbered their luv fer each other on noomerous oh-casions.

Ares, inna past, has tried to kill both Xener an' Gabs. (An' he ain't exactly the kinda feller you'd even trust yer granny's false teeth with neither. .)

So....

The gals an' Mr. Macho are stayin' at Grandpappys' farm an' there's only ONE bed inna house.

If Mr. Leather pants had been a PROPUH gentleman-type, he woulda taken the couch. But NO. Where do we find Ares? Right  smack-dab inna middle o' the gals, a tryin' to spoon with Xener! An' with Gabs grabbin' his crotch!

WHAT IN TARNATION?!?

Next day thangs start comin' up missin' ... such as one o' Xener's boobplates, a pair o' Gabby's underdrawers, an' 2 chikkins. They figger either there's a theif amongst 'em ... or else there's a prevert runnin' loose from the nearby trailer park.

Xener an' Gabs go to the grocery store to buy some Slim Jims (don't ask!) an' Ares gits bizzy workin' on the roof o' the house - shirtless, like a TRUE Southern gentleman. Bizzybody Reba comes over an' tells him he looks purty sexy fer a old geezer. By the way, she wants to know, "Where's yore daughters?"

Ares' fraggle male eggo is bruised when he hears this, so he climbs back onna roof where he proceeds to immeediately fall thru an' bust his tail onna floor below. Ares' new-found dawg, a slobbery mutt named Dammit, runs over an' gives Ares a good mouth lickin'. Just then Xener walks in an' tells Ares that him an' Dammit make a cute couple. Ares admits that he's startin' to kinder enjoy the dog's tongue.

Back inna shack, Xener an' Gabs share a misty-eyed minute while Xener recollects her days as a happy youngun' onna farm. She remembers rowmantic nites o' sparkin' with her brothers in front o' the far. She recalls gently removin' ticks from the familee's many dawgs, the joyous weekly trips to Wal-Mart, an' fun stuff, like makin' wind chimes outta frozen orange juice lids. Ah yes, there wuz some good times in this here shack.......

Jest then a posse rides up a lookin' fer Ares. Daisy/Mae-Gabby walks out an' rips her blouse open, exposin' her B cups to a horde o' horny bar-beary-uns. Ares comes out dressed like Snuffy Smith an' tells his woman to git back inna house. The warlards laff at Ares an' start slappin' around on him, till Xener shows up an' sez that's her Uncle Elmer/huzband, not the god o' war. The long-haired warlard demands that Xener do the panch, so she slaps it on Ares, an' notices how silly he looks while he's strugglin' fer the breath o' life.

Next thang ya know, Xener an' Gab are inna barn, milkin' a cow, an' comin' up with new idears fer Xener fan fiction stories. (That is, they wuz discussin' the proper squeezin' teckneeks.) *TG*

A travelin' vacuum cleaner salesman pops in an' sez he's a lookin' fer his dawg. The dawg catches site o' his former owner an' tucks tail an' runs. (Kin' y'all blame the critter??) Ares jest sits there an' bawls like a dadgum baby.

The warlards meet up with the salesman an' they see that the salesman has one o' Ares' goblets. They wanna know where he got it, an' he sez his dawg dragged it up, along with some possum roadkill.

The warlards is startin' to suspicion that there's sumthin' fishy goin' on at the farm ... other than jest inbreedin' an' worm-bed cultivatin'. Franklee, Xener's gettin' nervous that they've been figgered out, .. so she goes back to Nascar an' shore 'nuff, he accuses her o' helpin' ol' Ares. Jest then, Gab comes in an' her an' Xener pertend to have a lover's spit. Durin' the fight, they start throwin' thangs, an' they chest-butt each other, an' ol' Nascar decides to git the fark outta there cuz, (altho' he finds it kinder titulatin') he's also well awear o' the fact that - as ol' Willie Shakesbeer said - "Hell ain't got no fury like that of a woman PMS'in'." (Or sumthin' like that...)

Xener sends the stoopid warlards off to a cave where a 8-headed monster lives. (Ohhhhh. So THAT'S where Eve has been hidin' out!) *TG*

Ares' dawg comes back to him, an' Xener sez it's time fer her an' Gab to hit the trail cuz she thanks Ares kin handle the farm by hisself now. Ares goes to kiss Xener good-bye, but she moves away, an' sez, "That's whut them critters is fer."

So Xener an' Gab ride away into the sunset, while Ares sits happily onna front porch with Dammit, a bug zapper, a bowl o' beans, an' a case of Bud Lite. (Folks, it jest don't git no better 'n that!)

THE END