The show opens with a full moon.... cuz as we know, in the Xener-verse, the moon is ALWAYS full. That's cuz this here show is filmed in New Zeeland, an' they got a better view o' the moon over there onna other side o' the world....

Hound dawgs are a' howlin' in the distance, an' Xener sits in front of a far, makin' her a rang. She figgers she's a inderpendent woman, an' why the hay-ull should she sit around waitin' fer a feller to give her a rang when she kin make herself one? (Atta gal, Xener!)

Howsomeever, her lil' jewelry makin' party is interrupted by a big ol' ugly monster, by the name o' Grimble. He wants him a fancy rang too... an' knowin' that noboddy's ever gonna fall in love with him an buy him one, he tries to git Xener's.
Xener kicks his butt into a cage, tho'... an' slaps a lock onna door that has two buzzards on it... as a symbol o' the fact that ol' Grimble's gonna rot in that there cage.

Grumblin' Grimble has the last word, tho'. He rips the purty rang offa Xener's fanger, an' Xener figgers he's too grumpy to play patty-cake any more, so she high-tails it outta there on her flyin' horsey.

35 years later... (after Xener an' Gabs has been inna Frigidaire fer 25 years....) ... the gals are sittin' at the Praise the Lard Cafe' gobblin' up some dee-licious homemade buttermilk biscuits and red-eye gravy.
Still haungry, Xener sits there suckin' onna spare rib bone, an' she goes to beggin' fer Gabby's food. "Pleeeeze, just one o' yore tasty tater tots!" she begs Gabby. Gabby jest gits a disgursted look on her face, an' sez "TAKE IT ALL, YA FARKIN' PIG!"

Inna meantime, a feller sits a' starin' at Xener, wonderin' how one woman kin eat so many vittles at one sittin'. He comes over to her table and asks if she's Xener. Xener sez "Yessir, butt ya can't have none o' my food!"
The feller, who's name is Bear-Wolf, sez he ain't interested in food ('specially after watchin' *her* eat.).... butt he does need her help in whuppin' a ugly monster named Grimble.

Xener talks with Bear-Wolf an' then her an' Gabby go back to their room at the local Motel 6. An' bein' that Xener has ate more than one bean burrito, Gab takes the bed onna other side o' the room.

Xener's actin' queerer than uzual, an' Gab wants to know what's buggin' her. Butt Xener's tight-lipped about it. She assures Gabby: "Our friendship's the most importantest thang in my life... way-ull that an' pork chops..."

When Gab wakes up the next mornin', Xener's bed is empty, except fer a few cracker crumbs. Gab figgers she's prolly sittin' inna outhouse after the nite they'd had at the Cafe'... but naw... Xener's run off again... an' she's left a note sayin' she prolly won't never come back, an' she sez she's jest doin' this to protect Gabby.... an' she signs the note with the print o' her lips... in black ink. (Dang, that Xener is wierd!)
Gabby jest rolls her eyes an' sez "yeah, yeah, yeah." Then she packs up her stuff an' heads out to chase Xener 'round the country again... fer the 187th time.

Xener didn't leave Gab no money for no Motel 6, so lil' Gabby has to camp out at a KOA campground again. An' the pore thang is still writin' her stories on paper towels, cuz Xener won't buy her no writin' paper! (Dang, that Xener is cheep!)

Gab follers Xener's trail o' peanut shells, Twinkie wrappers, an' empty Bud Lite cans, .... until she wanders into a lil' town where folks talk fast, don't speak to strangers, drive Chinese- made cars, an' none o' the women-folk wear big hair or make-up. At first she thanks she's in hay-ull an' it's froze over; then she realizes she's just in a dang Northern state.
*shiver*

Gabby meets a purty gal who works for the Swiss Miss puddin' company, an' her name is Broom Hilda. (Altho' she shoooore don't look like no witch!) *TG*
Broom Hilda is a expurt on Xener, an' she tells the story o' how a loooong time ago, Xener had met up with the Norse god, Odell, an' ol' Odell had taken a likin' to her, and made her a "Valerie."
The Valieries wuz a bunch o' gals who rode thru the sky on horses... and they wuz all named Valerie. (That's how they got the name, "The Valeries.") *TG*

Two o' them Valeries y'all mite remember: Valerie Harper (the gal that played "Rhoda"), an' Valerie Bertinelli (the gal that played on "One Day at a Time.")

Howsomeever, the Head Valerie wuzn't a Valerie at all. Her name was Grin Hilda. (First Cuzzin' to Broom Hilda.)

Grin Hilda was Odell's girlfriend, an' she wuz mitey jealouss o' Xener, cuz she seen that Xener had her eye on ol' Odell.
Fact is, though, Xener wuzn't really interested in Odell at all. (Too skinny fer her likin'....) Nope, she cozied up to Odell to try to find out where the Rhinegold wuz. The Rhinegold wuz a big ol' blob o' gold that would give absolute pire to anyboddy who got it an' gave up on luuuuv.

Xener traveled in search o' the Rhinegold... an' she come acrosst the Rhine Maidens, a bunch o' gigglin' gals who inhabbit a area o' the Rhine River (also known as Subtixt Heaven.) *TG*

Xener sweet-tawks one o' the gals into takin' her to the cave where the gold is hid, an' when she gits her there, she knocks the snot outta her, an' takes off with that gold.

Back inna present, Xener an' ol' Bear-Wolf are headin' fer Grumblin' Grimble's trailer park. They pass all kindsa dead fellers, an' Xener reelizes that she's about to buy the farm. An' all she kin thank about.... is how she wishes she woulda had fried shrimp fer her last meal. *sigh*

Once inside, Xener an' Bear Wolf wait fer Grumblin' Grimble, an' purty soon he comes crashin' in, still a' wearin' that Rhinegold rang, an' still so ugly, he could scare a haungry bulldawg offa the back of a meat truck.

Xener pulls out her biggest can o' whup@$$ fer this pathetic creeture, butt all we see at the end o' the fight is Xener's clothes a lyin' inna corner. Gabby an' Broom Hilda walk in an' find 'em, and o' course, Gabby assumes the worst: Ol' Xener has done run off buck-nekkid with Grumblin' Grimble, hopin', onced again, to git her greedy hands on that there rang.

To bee contintued next week....

*sigh*

lordy, lordy....