This 'un starts out with Gabby, Bear-Wolf, an' Broom Hilda walkin' thru the woods a' lookin' fer Xener, who, last week, got dragged off buck-nekkid by Grimble.

They're s'pose to be waaaay up north - (Wiscornson, I guess, cuz durin' the breaks, they kept showin' commercials fer Velveeter CHEESE.) mmmmmmmm
Anywho, it's colder than a witch's booby in a brass braw-zeer on a blizzardy day .... But Lil' Miss Gabby's still wearin' her bikini top! (She's thankin' "hay-ull .... I work my butt off aerobercizing ever dang mornin, an' I'll be danged if I ain't gonna show THIS belly off!")

Gabby's in a big hurry to find Xener cuz she ain't got a peek o' her nekkid since the openin' scene o' Legacy. She hollers at Broom Hilda and Bear-Wolf, "Y'all pick up the Pace!!!" Butt Bear-Wolf sez there ain't no grocery store fer miles and miles, and besides, they don't sell that spicy Texass brand Picante' sauce this far north cuz yankees can't handle it. (*snort*)

Gabby finds a piece o' Xener's clothin', an' gits a oddsome feelin' inna pit o' her stomach... that Xener is somewheres nearby. (Later she has a lil' accerdint, an' discovers it wuz jest a gas pain....) *TG*

Alla sudden, Xener, with ketchup smeared all over her face, jumps out from behind a tree, slaps her hand over Gabby's mouth, tells her to shut the fark up, an' points inna direction o' Grimble.

Now Grimble's lookin' a lil' bit diffrent than last week - kinder like a cross between Bigfoot, a porkypine, a lobster, and a tree trunk. (Lordy! That musta been some kinda orgy!) *shudder*

Broom Hilda's purty disserpointed that Gabby's found Xener, cuz she wanted Gabby fer herself. (Yep, Miss Broom Hilda is a card-carryin' Lezbaneze!)

When she meets Xener, she goes on an' on 'bout how thrilled she is to finally meet the Warrier Princess, how she wants to be jeeeest like her, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. An' Xener's thankin' "I wish you'd go jump back onna Swiss Miss Puddin' box an' leave my woman alone!"

Xener an' the gang sneak into Grimble's cave where they plan to lure the ugly beast in an' then make firewood outta him.. While they're waitin', Xener explains how Grimble came about: Grin Hilda had put on the rang an' it had turned her into a uuuuugly monster. (Kinda like whut happens to a lotta folks durin' their wedding..) *TG*
Xener had took the rang away from Grimble an' she put it on, an' became mitey pireful. (An' did y'all notice that she shot Grimble the 3rd fanger as she put it on??) *snort* Atta gal, Xener! *TG*

Grimble comes stompin' in an' breaks up their lil' story-tellin' party, knockin' 'em all flat on their butts.
BUTT... the battle evenchully comes down to jest Xener an' Grimble, an' Xener takes her shockrum an' rips Grimble a new belly button.
Then Grimble's Big Mama shows up, who is the REAL Grin Hilda (Grimble), an' she's meaner than a pitbull at a tea party ... an' out to rearrange Xener's face.

Back inna woods, Xener tells Gabby that she don't like Broom Hilda cuz she's noticed when they ate, that she put sugar on her grits instead o' salt 'n butter. Not only that, butt Xener said the gal didn't have proper manners: she offered her some chewin' tobaccer, an' she turned it down; she don't like Elvis; she brags about sassin' her mama, and worstest o' all...... she ain't never seen Gone With the Wind!

"Yep," Xener says to Gabrielle.. "I'm a warnin' ya.... That gal is onna o' them Communists!"

Ol' Nose God Odell shows up an' bawls Broom Hilda out fer not killin' Xener like she wuz s'pose to. He sez he knows she's sweet on Gabby, an' if she don't straighten up, he's gonna OUT her to alla the Valeries AND send Gabby back to the Hawg-Head people-eaters.

Alla sudden, the Valeries show up, an' one of 'em shouts "GIT THAT THERE LIL' BLONDE!"
At this here point, Gabby is thankin' it's high time she gits her a darker shade o' Preference by L'oreal..... and some 4 inch elevator shoes.

Xener an' Bear-Wolf duke it out with the Valeries, an' Broom Hilda sweeps Gabrielle offa her feet an' rides off into the sunset with her on her horsy, hopin' to make her HER woman. Then Odell, the Nose God, tells Xener he wants the farkin' rang, an' when she won't give it, he says he's gonna send Grin Hilda to come beat her like a red-headed stepchild. So he goes to see Grin Hilda an' tells her it wuz Xener that kilt her youngun'. She's madder than a hungry hawg, an' her an' Odell head off to make Xener wish she'd a' never left Amphipolopopuss.
(I gotta be honest with y'all.... I've saw some UGLY sites in my life.... (fer Gawd's sake, I wuz married to Cooter fer 13 years!).... BUTT - that Grim Hilda monster jest makes me wanna PUKE. That's a face only a mama could love. I mean... it'd gag a maggot on a gut wagon!

Up at Cinderella's castle, Broom Hilda tells Gabby that she luuuuuvs her, an' Gabby tells her to bug off, cuz her an' Xener are sole-mates (as long as Eve ain't around.) *TG* Butt Broom Hilda's noggin' is harder than a pine knot, an' she runs off to prove she kin kick booty jest as good as that dang ol' Xener. Gabby jest sighs an' wonders how many more despurt luuuuv-starved chicks is gonna fall fer her.

Then the Nose God, Odell an' his group o' Valerie gals show up hootin' an' hollerin'. an' they brought with 'em big bad Mama Grimble. Butt Mama Grimble's bark is worse than her bite. *TG* She jest stands there, like a pityful pile o' twigs somebody threw together fer a low-budget TV show. Finally, Xener gits bored cuz Grimble won't fight, an' she stabs her inna twig - uh - arm. Then she grabs a bucket an' catches a lil' maple syrup. (mmm..... why waste good maple syrup?)

Odell sez, "Gimmee that rang!" an' so Xener shoots HIM the bird, an' sticks it on her middle fanger, sayin' "Na-na-na-na-na!" An' as the ring goes on, her face britens like a lite-bulb an' she gits that sin-suous look them gals in them nasty movies get, like ..... "Oooooh.... ahhhhhh... I'm having a o.. ....... or ... ....................orthopedic surgeon look at this here injured leg first thang tomorree."

(What the hay-ull did y'all thank I wuz gonna say? I got ol' Jack a' eyein' my ever move, ya know! Ya gotta watch yore step; he's a settin' fires these days.)
*TG*

Then Xener gits bizzy kickin' Nose God's booty, along with his lil' harlem of Valeries.
Gabby an' Broom Hilda join the commotion, an' Broom Hilda proves jest how tuff she is by slicin' an' dicin' onna few Valeries.

Xener, inna meantime, guts Mama Grimble, an' then runs off inna woods actin' crazier than a Bessie Bug.

Broom Hilda tries to git the rang from Xener cuz she wants to give it to Gabby fer a engagement present on New Year's Eve, an' Xener, now turned all wimpy and slobbery an' retarded-actin,' gives it to her, picks up her shockrum, an' slices open her own hand jest fer the hay-ull of it.

Then Broom Hilda breaks the news to Gabby that Xener has done lost her marbles. (An' Gabby is real surprized, cuz she never knowed Xener even carried any marbles...)
Then Broom Hilda tells Gabby she won't pester her no more... and she sez she's gonna turn herselve into a burnin' rang o' fire to protect her. Gabby sez she don't need another burnin' rang o' fire... she's already got one that she can't git rid of. (Them hemmroids kin git mitey inflamed if ya don't treat 'em properly.....)*groan*

But Broom Hilda does bust into flames an' Gabby dances a lil' jig, so glad to git rid o' that irritatin' gal. Then she changes into a purty princess outfit, an' lays down on a rock an' takes a lil' snooze, holdin' the rang in her hand, an' hopin' to sell it when she comes to the next pawn shop.

Inna meantime, Loony-toons-Xener's roamin' the forest askin' the burnin' question, "WHO AM I?"

My Gawd, Xener. After 6 seasons, ya STILL don't know?!?
Lordy, I hope ya don't git attacked while yore alone wanderin' the woods actin' like a hepless RE-tard.. Cuz in yore present condition, I don't thank you could open a can o' whupass with a blowtorch!

To Bee Continued......