Bear-Wolf decides to go to Minnersooooota, North o' the freakin' NORTH POLE, to git help from his wrasslin' buddy, Jesse Ventura. Butt when he gits there, he discovers Jesse's too bizzy pretendin' to be gov'ner, so turns to another ol' pal - Hagar the Horribull.

Seems Hagar has found him a tall, purty, black-headed woman - an' he's about to git hitched to this gal, whose name is Wealthier. Hagar loves her - not jest fer her beyooty, (an' her money) - butt also cuz Wealthier iz the best day-um feemale bull-rider in the Midwest Rodeo Circuit! Yeeeeee-Haaaaaaw!

At the weddin', Wealthier even comes down the aisle.... a' ridin' onnaa bull!. An' Bear-Wolf is bumfuzzled to reelize that this here bow-legged bride ... is really his ol' pal, Xener.

Xener has got ham-neezier - that means she's done lost her mammory o' everythang inna past, includin' her self identi-titty. An' she figgers she's gotta marry this beer-bellied Bubba to show her 'prechiation fer him a' savin' her life a year ago, when he fished her outta a vat o' Bud-Lite down at the local brewery.

Durin' the weddin', tho'..... Xener (Wealthier) starts to havin' some serious cold feet. This here corndition's most likely cuz:

A. She's plum bare-footed.
and
2. Her new huzband's ugly enuff to make a freight train take a dirt road.

Hagar's sister, Hag-Hilda, ain't too tickled 'bout him hitchin' up with Wealthier. She thanks Wealthier is a HO, an' 'sides, she had wanted Hagar fer herself. (Hey! Inbreedin' AIN'T jest a SOUTHERN thang, ya know!)

Hagar don't listen to Hag-Hilda, tho'... cuz he remembers - a loooong time ago - their mama dropped Hag-Hilda headfirst onna WAL-MART parkin' lot, so he figgers ol' Sis is one can short of a 6-pack. So he tells her to git her bizzy-body @$$ back to her stoopid Tupperware party an' he heads his horny self off to hoochy-koo with the little woman.

Inna meantime, Xener's sittin' inna bridle sweet, brushin' the rats outta her hair an' chewin' onna garlic clove, hopin' that her breath will knock Hagar on his butt, cuz she figgers he ain't gonna buy that ol' "Honey, I got me a bad headache tonite" excuse.

Into the bedroom walks a feller in a costume, an' she thanks "Oh sh*t! I married me a kanky one!"
But it turns out to be Bear-Wolf.... an' he tells her that Odell, the Nose God, is gonna skin her hide if'n he finds out she's alive. Jest then, Odell's buzzard lands onna winder sill, an' Bear-Wolf tells Xener her goose is cooked.

Xener is cornfuzed an' don't buy none o' Bear-Wolf's jibber-jabber so she knocks him down onna bed, an' jest then Sister Hag-Hilda an' Hagar the Horribull walk in.
"I TOL' Y'ALL SHE WUZ A HO!" hollers Hag Hilda.
An' Hagar sez he shore wished he'd a' jest got him onna them lil' sweet mail-order brides from the Phillerpines instead.

Xener an' Bear-Wolf commence to kickin' alla their fatt butts, an' then they skeedattle outta there onna boat to yet another cold place inna North where ya gotta wear longjohns under yore bloomers to keep yore @$$ from freezin' into a solid block o' ice.

Inna meantime, Odell reelizes that Xener's alive an' kickin'. An' this makes him nervouser than a fart in a hot skillet... cuz he knows it's gonna be all-out war to git PO-session o' that dang rang.

When Xener an' Bear-Wolf git to shore, alla the fellers in Bear-Wolf's army go to fightin' over who has the rite to give Xener a drank o' water. Xener jest stands there a' watchin' the idjots with her mouth a' hangin' open, an' reelizes jest why she perfers gals over fellers. *TG*

Alla sudden, the Valeries ride up on their flyin' horsies. Miss Pouty-Lips blonde-headed Valerie wants to kick some warrior princess booty, butt Xener sez real sweet-like: "There ain't gonna be no blood-sheddin' today, Darlin'."
Pouty Lips Valerie snorts 'n laffs cuz Xener has become so dang wussified, an' she opens up a special can o' whupass she's been a' savin' fer 35 some-odd-years (Californny Vintage). She swangs her sword at Xener, an' Xener manages to dodge it an' avoid gettin' her purty white snow-princess dress dirty.

Then Odell rides up an' tells his women to git the hay-ull back to the house an' fix him some supper.

Back at the castle, Pouty Lips Valerie tears into ol' Odell fer lettin' Xener git away. Odell tells her to shut the fark up an' git back inna kitchen where she belongs. Leave the thankin' to him, he sez. He's got a plan to git that rang from Xener ... AFTER she gits it from Sleepin' Be-yooty Gabby.

Back at the KOA camp, Xener sits in her tent havin' vizions o' Gabrielle.
"I'm the truth o' who you are, Xener," Gabrielle sez. "Our souls is united. We even wear each other's underwear."

Alla sudden, Xener's shocked into reality, as she feels the too-small-size brazeer she's a wearin' a' diggin' into her back.

Bear-Wolf hears Xener makin' whimperin' noises as she tries to git the bra unhitched, an' he goes in to see about her. He hands her her shock-rum that he's had fer a year, an' tells her that she needs it more than he does.

"What the fark is this?" she asks.

"I dunno," Bear Wolf replies, "but it shore has kept my nose hairs trimmed neat."

The next day, Xener an' Bear-Wolf take a Greyhound bus up to Grimble-ville. Population: ONE.
They come up to the wall o' fire, an' Xener sees Gabby snoozin' onna rock, an' she thanks Gabby looks purtier than a bowl o' turnip greens with fresh-baked cornbread. Butt Xener's a lil' bit skeered o' the fire, till she hears Broom Hilda's voice tellin' her it's OK to go thru.... so long as she don't pass no gas while goin' in, cuz it could blow up the whole dadgum universe.

Butt Xener don't make it in, cuz Pouty Lips Valerie attacks her from behind, an' kicks her butt halfaway back to Minnersoooooota. They go at it fer awhile, takin' turns panchin', pullin' hair, an' scratchin' each other up, till finallee Xener tosses her into the fire where she melts like a stick o' butter on a hot Alabamer highway.

Then Xener dives into the flames where she goes over to sleepin' Gabby to give her that big ol' SMOOCH we've all been a' waitin' fer fer a gazillion years

She bends over ..... tenderlee touches her lips to Gabby's...... has some misty-eyed flashbacks o' their past.... an'..... an... that's it..

THAT'S IT?!? (What the......?!?)
LORD HAVE MERCY! I've gotten more tongue action from my hounddawgs!!!
(Way-ull! It gits lonely out here inna sticks!)

Gabby wakes up, an' she's got long hair again. (Atta gal, Gabby! I knew a Tex@$$ gal wouldn't wear her hair chopped off fer long!) *TG*
Xener's alla sudden changed into her regular warrior princess tuff-gal outfit, an' she mutters sumthin' to Gabrielle about losin' alla her mammories. Gabby sez, "Well at least ya did git yer breast plate back Darlin', so nobody'll eeeeeever notice that ya lost yore mammoires."

While alla this mushy-gushy stuff is a' goin' on between the gals, Grimble (Grin Hilda) is out there a sheesh-ka-bobbin' pore ol' Bear-Wolf. Xener runs out there an' commences to tryin' to chop down the mad mama monster. Howsomever, Grimble picks her up an' is fixin' to rip her ears offa her head, when ol' Xener starts to beggin' like a DAWG fer fergiveness. "Pleeeeze, Purty Monster Lady.... Pleeze don't kill me. I won't never be bad Xener again.." So Grimble wimps out an' lets her go. An' magicully, Grimble's turned back into the mini-skirt wearin', gum-chewin' Valerie, Grin Hilda.

Xener an' Gab accumpanny Grin Hilda back to rejoin the Nose God, Odell, an' Grim Hilda tells ol' Odell she's in charge again. She also tells him to get a farkin' haircut cuz he's gettin' too old to be tryin' to look like a rock star. Last butt not least, she sez she's changin' her name to "Darla" an' she's gonna go to beyooty skool at HIS expense. Odell agrees to everythang, an' realizes that it feels purty dang good to be hen-pecked again.

Xener goes back to the Lagoon o' the Lezbian Mermaids an' gives 'em their lump o' gold back.

Then Xener an' Gabby head off to the homestead to celebrate the fact that they're back together... an' that - thanks to the ratins goin' up - the show, Xener: Warrier Princiss, has been moved outta the 3 a.m. time slot in 4 major Amerikan markets.

*TG*

The end.