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The message received was "Please return at your earliest convenience." It was from UNIT. It had printed out silently on the TARDIS console. There was a date attached to the message, but it made no sense to Nyssa, being unfamiliar with Earth time. Searching the TARDIS she first found Tegan, and then the Doctor.
Reading the message the Doctor replied, "Well, I suppose we had better pay Earth a visit." Then looking at Tegan, he said, "I wonder what sort of mischief your planet has gotten itself into now?"
"It doesn't sound urgent," said Tegan.
"Still," said the Doctor as he was setting the coordinates on the TARDIS console, "you know how human beings can be. Probably best to check out the situation before things get out of hand. Don't you agree?"
* * * * *
A short while later the TARDIS materialized into what used to be Dr. John Smith's research laboratory at UNIT headquarters. It was now part of the canteen and just down the hall from the reception desk. Although all members of UNIT had been briefed about the Doctor, very few had actually seen him and fewer still had seen a TARDIS materialize. All those present tried to remain calm and nonchalant as the Doctor and his companions left the TARDIS, yet everyone in the room was staring at them in silence. As the Doctor, Tegan, and Nyssa looked about the canteen and stared back at those staring at them, a loud clomping was heard from the hallway. The door opened and a UNIT sergeant entered the room. The sergeant wore a much dressier uniform than UNIT soldiers of just 10 years ago when fatigues where worn about their headquarters. They still carried automatic weapons. The sergeant walked briskly up to the Doctor. Unsure for a moment he then saluted.
Extending his hand, the Doctor said, "I'm the Doctor, how are you?"
The soldier then dropped his salute. "May I escort you to the commanding officer's office sir?" said the soldier, and quite well thought the Doctor, considering what a tongue twister that was.
After the obligatory introductions, tea, and a quick tour of the newer UNIT headquarters, the CO, a Colonel Franklin, then took the Doctor, Tegan, and Nyssa to an older wooden barracks on the grounds. Once inside the barracks, they saw a large well-furnished holding cell, surrounded by thick metal bars. The tables, chairs, and other furniture within were all robustly made or oversized. A television was on. A cartoon program was in progress. As they approached the metal door of the cell, a very large creature got up from an easy chair, turned off the television set, and turned to face them. Both Tegan and Nyssa took a deep breath in shock. Tegan then spoke first, "That’s the ugliest black man I have ever seen". The black "man" was probably seven feet tall with broad shoulders and thick hands. He was nearly bald with just a few hairs sticking out here and there on his head. Just a touch of gray was showing on those few hairs. He had a pronounced ridge across his eyebrows. He was wearing a T-shirt with sweat pants and sandals. He looked very relaxed.
"I'd like you both to meet an Ogron," said the Doctor.
Colonel Franklin then explained how agents of the Department of Immigration had picked up the Ogron. Working as a chef at a Chinese restaurant in Yeovil, the "man" had no papers and spoke little English. No one knew how long the Ogron had been there. Rumor was he predated the Rude Man in Cerne Abbas. One thing had led to another and before long UNIT ended up housing the fellow, awaiting his ultimate deportation. The problem for UNIT was just how to deport an Ogron.
"I see your problem, colonel," said the Doctor as he thought about the difficulties of returning the Ogron back to his home planet. Ogrons were a usually peaceful people. For millennia they had been forcefully conscripted by nearly all of the galaxy's evil empires as a form of cheap labor that didn't ask questions. Living a nearly stone-age existence and communicating with each other by grunts and belly rumbles, the Ogrons had changed little since the Timelords' first visit to their planet eons ago.
* * * * *
Several of the officers had been anxious to take Nyssa and Tegan out on the town for a good time. Perhaps to hear of their exploits off world, or perhaps just because they were good looking women. There was no compelling reason for them to accompany the Doctor to the Ogron home world. The Doctor knew they would be all right on Earth. Nyssa could take care of herself and the UNIT officers had surely encountered Australian women before.
The Ogron was let out of its cage. It followed the Doctor peacefully to the TARDIS. It didn't even blink at the size difference between the inside and the outside, found a chair and sat down. The creaking and groaning sound the Doctor heard after shutting the TARDIS doors was not that of the TARDIS dematerializing. It was the sound of a large Ogron easing into an old wooden chair. The chair thankfully didn't break, but it would most likely never be the same again. As the center of the console began to float the TARDIS was underway. The Doctor looked at the Ogron and smiled. There was nothing to be said.
After a short trip the TARDIS materialized. There was no way to know which area of Ogron this fellow came from. The Doctor hoped this Ogron would be welcome here. The TARDIS was pretty good at figuring these things out. The Doctor opened the TARDIS doors and motioned the Ogron outside. Taking his first few tentative steps back onto its own world the Ogron must have remembered his human manners, for he turned around to look back at the Doctor and waved. The Doctor then took one step out of the TARDIS to wave back. As he did something heavy hit him across the back of his shoulders.
* * * * *
It was dark when the Doctor awoke to the loud sounds of chanting and belly rumbling. Several score of Ogrons were about, dancing near a fire, beating cadence on wooden logs, and thumping each other in a way that would incapacitate most human beings. Several other Ogrons were off to the side of these events picking small green leaves off the branches of a large shrub, chewing them for several moments, and then spitting them into a crude wooden bowl. As the Doctor became more awake he slowly began to rise. Seeing this, many of the Ogrons ran toward him and violently embraced him. He could feel their tummies rumbling as the air was crushed out of his lungs.
The Doctor didn't pass out this time but found he was barely able to stand when they finally let him go. The Ogron he had brought here then approached him, picked him up, and put him onto a blanket. This Ogron then gave a speech, worthy of Shakespeare judging by the crowd's reactions, which lasted for all of 30 seconds. He gave the same speech over and over about 20 times. At the end of the speech, the Ogrons nearest the blanket the Doctor was sitting on rushed up to it and grabbed the edges. They all stood up and leaned back as quickly as possible, sending the Doctor up into the air. The Doctor then continued to be bounced up and down on the blanket for some period of time. When this part of the festivities ended, finally, the Doctor was lead to a position of honor, a stool cut out of a log, near the fire.
As the drumming on the wooden logs slowed and became less noisy and offensive, a young Ogron then brought the Doctor the crude wooden bowl that he had seen earlier. The Ogron then motioned that the Doctor should drink the green foamy liquid inside of it. In the past the Doctor had had numerous accounts of hospitality inflicted upon him and knew just how the game was to be played. So with a big smile, the Doctor raised the bowl up above his head, then brought it down to his lips and took just a small sip. How bad can it be, thought the Doctor, I've been bitten by snakes. The bowl was then taken from his hands and passed all around.
The Doctor was no stranger to hallucinogens but this stuff was really special. He was the sun. He was the moon. He was the sky. He was the green leaf on the shrub. He was the blue crystal from Metabilis. He was Sarah Jane Smith. He was the Master - bad trip, time to get things back under control - He was the sun. He was the moon. He was the sky. The Doctor leaned back and smiled as the Ogrons danced and chanted around him. The world, the universe, its cares and responsibilities drifted away behind him, into some other time.
* * * * *
The Doctor woke up naked. His head was in the lap of an Ogron woman with very large breasts. She was looking down and smiling at him. Oh, no, thought the Doctor. Putting on his bravest face, the Doctor smiled at the Ogron woman (hoping with all his might that it wasn't an amorous come on in this culture). The Ogron then helped the Doctor to his feet and sent him on his way. As the Doctor picked up his clothes, scattered about the area, it was obvious that the party was now over. Someone had eaten his celery.
* * * * *
Back at UNIT HQ the Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS. It was nighttime now and no one was in the canteen. The Doctor heard footsteps approaching. As the door to the canteen opened a UNIT sergeant stepped into the room with his flashlight shining brightly at the Doctor and then turned on the light switch to the room. There was a prolonged silence as they both looked at each other. Eventually they both ended up speaking at the same time with the words "may" and "I'm" coming out together. The sergeant won the contest and went first. "May I help you sir?" he said. "I'm the Doctor" came wearily and slowly from the Doctor's lips. "I'll bet that you need the ready room sir", said the sergeant as he started to lead the Doctor out of the canteen and down the hallway.
The Doctor just shuffled along quietly, not sure what was going on. He eventually ended up in a small room behind the previous guard station, now reception desk. In it were a stove, a counter, some cupboards, a small refrigerator, a table and chairs, and most importantly a cot with a blanket and pillow.
"When Sergeant Benton was here, he used to tell us about the Doctor, or rather you sir," said the sergeant. "He told us how you saved the world many times, but how sometimes you need a little help yourself too, sir."
As the Doctor eased himself onto the cot and the sergeant turned out the lights, the Doctor thought to himself, those UNIT sergeants, good chaps, all of them.