17november1999 8:11pmwow. i am such a slacker. i am in college now. i'm not quite sure why yet. i haven't seen any of my friends except rachel since july 23. i've made new friends, and am moving on.. sort of. but i still cry a lot. i have a much more positive view on life now. and my mom ic civil to me. its odd, but i am not complaining. i haven't been to any shows. i'm managing though. i'm failing classes, but whats new. i'm changing my major from computer information systems to fashion design. i'm just too bored. i need something to keep my creativity flowing. and plus i change my mind a lot. at least thats the objective if i am designing things for people to wear. my hair is short and choppy. rachel cut it. i am getting use to it. i got rid of the black hair. it was so morbid. i'm at my natural color. for now anyway. i'm biting my nails. ugh. i'm stopping now. i have to go hug my roomate. i haven't done that today.

AURAL STIMULATION: promise ring:very emergency, hot water music:no division, joan of arc:live in chicago, 1999, and various casket lottery and soophie nuh squad songs. thanks laszlo

FUEL: nothing right now. cigarettes.

BODY:a little tired. nothing major.

JULY 5 4:56amfirst off.. its way too late.. or early for me to be up. i dunno. i'm awake and extremely tired. or my body is, but my mind is wide awake. or maybe i am past the piont of being tired. moms at the beach again. go figure. i'm here alone with my dog and my computer. i went and watched the fireworks tonight.. err.. i guess technically it was last night, but i haven't slept yet, so its hard to decipher. anyway.. 6 going on 7 was on saturday. man oh man those guys are good. seriously. wow. it was so cute when i was buying their record, cause one of the guys is from denton, and his mom was there, and she was like "yeah. thats the best one! you should get that one!" and she was so cute. other peoples moms rule. especially cute ones.

my life is officially lame as of earlier.. my friend leslea and i were watching late inght infomercials.. and this one came on for this hair removal system called "NAD'S".. yes i am completely serious. thats what its called.. so we dial the 1-800 number.. and leslea is like "umm hello..is this where you get nads" of course she was talking in a completely fake voice, because thats like a rule when making a prank call... and the guy, the operator, terry starts to laugh.. and he goes "heh.. yeah.. wanna order a pair". i swear we laughed for like 15 minutes. maybe this isn't that funny to you.. but oh god.. i was in stiches.

avail is playing tonight. yeah. the 5th. i can't wait to get smashed into by all the little fucking punk rock kids who think its cool to smash people in the face to show they like a band. i want to see the jazz june though, so i'm not going to complain.

i am going to go to bed though. fuck i am tired.

AURAL STIMULATION: modest mouse[the fruit that ate itself]

FUEL:nothing. i had some water but its gone now.

EARS: ringing

JUNE 28 8:40pm i've come to the conclusion that my hormones are getting the best of me. no, i don't mean i want to get laid [although this waiting 18 years business can get a bit disheartening from time to time..] but i mean.. my moodiness during that "time of the month" makes me seem like a pretty big bitch. and yes. i cry a lot. i can't help it. i am a seventeen year old girl who is growing up. sorry for losing it for a couple days every month. i can't love myself everyday.
i got my SAT scores back today. i got a 1010. i don't know if thats good or bad. i just know i had to take it cause my mom made me. if you caught on to the fact that i am immiture. good job.
my dad called me today... the conversation went something like this:
dad: kathleen.. its nearly the end of june.
me: yes i know dad.
dad: you have been out of school for nearly a month, i got you a car, and yet you still don't have a job. why, may i ask is that?
me: oh, thats becasue i am lazy.
dad: KATHLEEN! listen to me.. your mother and i can't support you forever. you need to assume some responsibility. when i hang up this phone i want to hear that you got a job, or i am going to give your car to your sister bla bla bla.. you hear me?? katie?
me: yes. dad. fine. i'll tell you i have a job, ok?
dad: you're missing the point! [*tension builds in his voice] you need to assume some responsibility in your life...

i dropped the phone. my mom picked it up and finished the conversation for me.

i think the problems i have with my family are mainly a gigantic lack of communication on my part. i get annoyed. i need some motivation. this exercise thing is slowing down. if you, by some weird stroke of luck read this. email me and tell me i'm fat and to go jog around the block. don't worry about hurting my feelings. i just need a kick in the ass.

this guy is putting the pictures i took of joan of arc in his zine. yay. i'm happy!


a follower of hare krshna[or however you spell it] found me at the warped tour yesterday. sigh. told me all about the "quest for enlightenment" and gave me a book. turned out he wanted money. i gave it to him. i am such a sucker. i started to read it. but its too bible-y for me. i'll have to be really bored to become "happy with myself". that'll beone exciting rainy day. i'll get to chant stuff. woah.. i ramble sometimes.. yeeooww. warped tour was fun. i got really dirty and a little pink. ICE T and eminem rocked me like a hurricane. those rapper boys are so fun, and people danced at the show!! i hate it when kids think they are too cool to dance. thats what sucks about emo. you have to just stand there.. thats fine after a 1.5 hour drive.. but once in a while its nice to jump up and down like a total fool and listen to some good rap. i said once in a while.. not every day. oh yeah.. leatherface adn jimmy eat world were great too!

AURAL STIMULATION: the Make*Up [in mass mind]

FUEL:sunny D

BACK OF NECK:sunburned.

JUNE 22 5:58pm so here i go again. master procrastinator. i should be packing, but after i got screamed at for not cleaning good enough while mom was at the fucking beach for a week, i feel like just laying around and feeling sorry for myself. its been a while since i did that. yeah. joyce came in my room at 6am. telling me how worthless i was. i finally cried myself back to sleep after she left for the day. thanks. go away now. i don't want to hear it. just go ahead leave me here and move. i'll survive. fuck you. i should go work out today. that always makes me feel good about myself. but its raining. and i'm sick. but that shouldn't be an excuse. i looked in the mirror today, long and hard. and i like started freaking out crying. why do i have to be so lazy? i really am too fat. i repulse myself. no wonder noone loves me. no wonder everyone in my family hates me. nothing i do is ever good enough. lately it seems that my friends are all i have left. and i just hope i can fight through all this bullshit without having too many emotional scars. yeah. pity party. woo hoo. i'm sure my mom reads this. she has this burning need to find out everything in my personal life. well, mom. thanks for making me feel so great. i hope you gain some sort of self confidence by belittling me every chance you get. i try, really i do. but it's never good enough is it? so now you're leaving town, taking the twins, and leaving me here. atta way to be a parent. you've never told me you love me. fuck off.

AURAL STIMULATION: elliott smith [either/or]

FUEL: water

EYES: wet
NOSE: runny

JUNE 9 2:31pmi know.. i stopped writing in here. bad girl. whatever. i'm not at home. i'm at my sisters. the starter in my car went out. i'm stuck in stephenville texas. this place is a weird town. no, really it is. the scary guy in the apartment across the hall leaves his door open and blasts korn and limp bizkut(or however you spell it). it is really really really annoying. and he wears cut off metal t shirts and tries to talk to me. he is so gross. go away scary boy. i went and worked out a little while ago. gotta get buff. i don't have any of my records. i've been listening to this tape of boys life, sunny day(the pink album), and pavement all week long. its starting to get to me. but overall its really bettert than being at home. thats the weird part. no matter how lame it is, it will never suck as much as it does at home. wooo. ok library time is running out, so i'm gonna have to cut this short. next time it won't take 2 weeks for me to update... i don't think.

AURAL STIMULATION: 1 tape containing boys life, sunny day, and pavement.

FUEL: sprite. obey your thirst.

FEET: covered with a pair of snazzy new balance tennis shoes. they are so comfy. thanks mom.

MAY 29 11:42am wow. talk about procrastination! i haven't even thought about this thing for like two weeks. yikes. sorry. i was really stressed out for a while there(see below) and so if i did write anything in here, it would have sounded completely ridiculous. i was on the brink of cracking up. seriously. public school in conjunction with the normal teenage saga can be detromental to ones health. so i'm happy today. unusually happy. i graduate tonight, and i am thrilled. its been 13 years. i am ready to end this chapter of the book. after graduation, i get to go see rainer maria, which is going to be awesome.. and i am stoked. i cut my bangs again. they are too short this time. they sort of stick STRAIGHT OUT.. so i am gonna have to find a way to fix them. i don't even care though. its one of those things that proves that i'm not gonna grow up. i don't necessairily think thats a bad thing. i mean sure, i'm gonna mature.. but there will always be that part of me that cuts her hair with the safety scissors and it turns out looking bad. and everyone else will seem to care more than i do. but thats just me. take it or leave it. i'm katie. and for now, i'm happy. yee haw.

AURAL STIMULATION: i'm listening to a little somethin' somethin' i call jimmy eat world today.

FUEL: there isn't any food or beverages in our house right now. i think moms at the grocery store. so i'm runnin' on fumes.

BANGS: sticking straight out.. i'm glad there is a thing called hairspray.. yikes.

MAY 15 1:04pm ever get the feeling like no matter what you do, you fall further behind? i am feeling extremely lazy lately, but yet i am doing more productively than ever. school... i don't even want to talk about school. its almost over. i'm doing my work. so far this week i spent 12 hours after school hours there trying to regain credit. ugh. another wee and a half.. thats all, kate. i think my bad attitude is rubbing off, and i am so sorry to all my friends who have to deal with this shit. i'm just starting to realize things about my life that i was too lazy to see before and i am getting really scared of growing up. as much as i'd like to say that i'm independant... i'm not. i would be nothing without my parents. they give me everything. i think they call it middle child syndrome. lately i'm feeling really selfish. like it seems like i'm acting like everything has to be for me. i know i'm bullshitting again. i tend to do that a lot. i've been going to bed really early. if i don't, then i can't make it through the day. i have really awful sleep habits. i need to find a hobby. maybe i need to find someone to love. maybe i should shut up.

FUEL: water. i wish i had a snapple peach iced tea right now...

AURAL STIMULATION: post marked stamps. mmmm. ethel meserve and ida.

FINGERNAILS: bitten and abused

MAY 10 6:31am it has been a long weekend. a really long weekend. the fact that i havent slept tonight adds to the number. my heart feels like it just went on a really rigid rollercoaster, and it threw up the cotton candy it ate for lunch. theres this burning in my chest that i could swear was heartbreak. but what do i know. its late. err. early. i dunno. an hour and a half till school. fuck. i hate monday. i really do. you have 5 days of shit ahead of you, and in return, you get two days off. hows that for fairness. why am i complaining again? because i can. and its up to you wether or not you want to read this. because no matter what i am going to keep complaining until something good happens. uh. 6:35am. could the time pass any slower? caffenine makes me edgy.

FUEL: apple juice.

AURAL STIMULATION: belle&sebastian [boy with the arab strap]
"is it wicked not to care when they say that you're mistaken thinking hopes and lots of dreams that aren't there?"

EARS: burning

MAY 7 8:15pm there wasn't school today. so all the pretty pretty princesses could get ready for prom. not my idea of fun. i slept until 3:30 this afternoon. then i worked on the new first page of my site. i made a flash animation. i think you can only see it if you have Internet Explorer though. sorry if you can't see it. i'm working on an alternative. my principal excused every one of my absences for the first semester. i was really stressed out about that. now i realize that i am in 4 classes that i don't even need to graduate. i say fuck em. i'm bored. woo hoo.

FUEL: coca cola classic. in the can.

AURAL STIMULATION:this tape lester made me with alice coltrain, bob dylan, bedhead, lowbrow, my dad is dead, sonic youth, leonard cohen, baboon, the trashmen, and i forgot the rest. that kid rules.

TEETH: brushed.

MAY 6 12:35am"I wish I could claim that all the people whom I have loved have always loved me back, that my needs and those of the people closest to me have always dovetailed perfectly, but friendship doesn't work that way, and people's needs aren't always the same, so it is only fair to say that I have often wished for more, or wished for something no one had to give, and in that I know I am not alone." - Merel Shain
it's been a long day. i'm going to sleep.

FUEL: nothing

AURAL STIMULATION: silence

ME: exhausted

MAY 5 1:26am i am getting so wrapped up in so many different things, i don't know where to begin. I have friends who need me for support, i am attending evening school religiously to regain credit, i have a half done zine sitting here staring at me. i need some motivation. nuuuuhhhh. rawr. lazy person. yes. i'm bitching. at myself. i get so frusterated. i really should be in bed.

FUEL: mushroom ramen.

AURAL STIMULATION: jets to brazil [orange rhyming dictionary]
"i will tell you i am fine.. i got some news friend.. feels like i'm dying"

MIND: cluttered. i hate junk mail.

MAY 2 11:13pm ok.. so i lied. this already has turned into the every few days journal.. if thats even what it is. i see it more of like a captains log. i saw the gloria record last night, and they were even more amazing than last time i saw them. i hate feeling lazy and impatient all at once. like you want to have things done, but you don't want to do them.
my horoscope today said that others see me as an agent of transformation, and asked how i see myself. i couldn't anwser the question. i missed 11:11 again. great. sunday night always sucks because its followed by monday morning.

FUEL: i'm running on empty tonight.

AURAL STIMULATION: burning airlines [mission control] elliott smith [xo]

HAIR: cut myself.

APRIL 29 10:55pmi feel overworked. no nap today. had to cart the sumo twins around up until about 20 minutes ago. i love being their newly aquired mother. they are really embarrasing. but i guess i was that way at 13 too. oh well. i had to go to evening school tonight. that was no good. me and this rapper girl drew cartoons of us laughing at the people in there, and made up rhymes about the teacher having a squirrel on his face shooting up the place. but i'll stop there. every once in a while i like to have good solid fun like that. oh yeah.. she wrote a rap about me. i couldn't help but laugh.

... K8T loves potatoes wid the white gravy
the white rappa slim shady,
her favorite color is navy
shes a freaky kinda lady
the kind that don't make babies..

thanks lori. you made me feel special.
my head is pounding. i need some ibuprophen.

FUEL: whats left of my water from taco bell. ooh. livin dangerous.

AURAL STIMULATION: seBADoh [smash your head on th punk rock]

EYES: twitching. they have been all day.

APRIL 28 10:38pm overall, i've been up to spirits lately. i'm a lot less tired and thats cool. after getting the closest thing i've ever seen to a suicide note i've ever seen in my inbox the other day, i learned really quick that life isn't about self pity. its about being compassionate and loving the people who are close to you, and letitng them know that you care because you never know when it will be too late and all those things you wanted to say won't ever have a chance to be heard, and then you'll feel guilty for holding back. why am i writing in here when i really ought to be doing homework? oh well. figures.

FUEL: 24 ounces of sams choice cola

AURAL STIMULATION:belle&sebastian[boy with the arab strap] little grizzly[please let me go it wasn't meant to be]

FEET: bare