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The Trial By Gede Parma
Doubt. The very
word knows us. The very word is reminiscence to all who walk
the Wild Path. Doubt is our common trial and sometimes the
end of our path. It destroys and cripples those who are weakened
to it and fall to its shadow. Doubt can prevail if we are
not strong and I assure you each and everyone of us will be
exposed to its tyranny. The challenge from the Gods to test
our strength, our magick and our power and will of our own
mind. I have experienced this Doubt, I almost let it overwhelm
me and at times I did. At times I sobbed and my sides heaved.
At times the Doubt would consume my thoughts, I was sick and
depressed and it continued to stop me on my path.
I started to Doubt after Yule,
the Winter Solstice. After the coven I am involved with celebrated
the rebirth of the God, the Sun Child and comforted the tired
Goddess. It was the beginning of Winter in the Southern Hemisphere
and I returned home after the Shortest Night and I shared
a prayer with the Goddess. I asked her to bring me my obstacle
if I was ready and I guess she heard me loud and clear and
thought I was ready. Two weeks later I discovered an entity
had found its way into my home so I did a ritual to dispel
it. At the end of this Ritual I opened the Circle and asked
the Mother to take me to bed and bid me goodnight. She was
holding a golden child in her arms and she kissed my forehead
and smiled mysteriously as I switched off the light and went
to sleep. The next morning I felt something stir within me,
I felt a power that I was yet to discover would be a great
enemy.
Through the days, the weeks
and the months that followed I prayed, I self-sacrificed,
made offerings, cast spells, performed rituals to try to take
this Doubt away from me. I consulted both my cowan friends
and pagan friends, but nothing did the trick. I felt as if
I was at the foot of a large tower in the middle of a desert.
That there was no one with me, I was forsaken in a land I
did not know - abandoned. I wept and plead to the God and
Goddess that they would take it away, but the Tower was ever-standing.
However some days I thought it had finally disappeared and
some days I thought it would never end, it waxed and waned
in its power over me. One afternoon I found myself on my bed
next to my altar crying and dowsing for an answer, asking
the pendulum if it would ever end. It always said yes, but
I was always unsure. This Doubt gives you internal scars.
Brands that will stay with you, almost like a war wound. However,
in this period it was odd that I still performed at my peak.
I was great in my power and energy, sometimes I would ignore
the Doubt and tell it to go away in obscene tongue. This is
how I got rid of it, one way or another.
A good friend of mine, a Wiccan
from Sydney told me to ignore the Doubt. I took that advice
but I guess I misinterpreted it. I began to use my inner-voice
and shout at it, screaming at, revealing my pain. It began
to wax in power and I discovered this was not the right thing
to do and so I reassessed my friend's wisdom. I was to absolutely
ignore it, pretend as if it never existed and it began to
work. I felt the Doubt begin to disperse within me, receding
to the Universe from whence it came. I pushed it further and
soon enough I discovered that I was over it, it returned in
strokes and still haunts me in seconds but ultimately it has
gone. It would go to haunt another, wreak its pain and suffering
on another of the Wild Path. Take them and strike them down
as their trial and this is my adivce to you.
However much you cry, however
much you wish to leave your path, however much you are set
on the idea the world has turned its back on you. This is
not true. It is you who has turned you back on the world if
you allow the Doubt to take you. Your path will support you,
the Gods will hold you when you weep as their child. Do not
depend on their help. They are ruthless and disappointing
as a family and as such you are created in their own image.
Use this knowledge to defeat the power that hinders you. Take
of my words and seek the Doubt before it seeks you. Be done
with it so and hold you head high. You are a God, you govern
your own fate. Use your divine hand to chase the Doubt away.
Never let it be your God, for that is fake. It assumes the
identity. Know this however my friends.
"As Darkness consumes the Land and the Sea
Hold to your friends and family
Hold to the Goddess, the Mother of All
Hold to the God, Pan's wild call
Seek unto other, the pain that is shared
To know, to keep silent, to will and to dare!"
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